Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of...

By wheresthelove - 30/12/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

True hero

Please like me

By youfuckingdumbassmum - 27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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By jokersgirl - 21/5/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

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By Heartbroken - 20/1/2009 15:16 - Australia

Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole that dumped me last week. FML

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By Mudge - 25/2/2016 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2017 20:00

Seems fair

Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML

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By Max - 9/4/2014 18:32 - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

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By Aether - 3/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By Blah - 2/8/2018 05:00

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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By Cuntlette - 11/4/2014 16:38 - Australia - Brighton

Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML

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By smellynelly - 17/5/2015 16:13 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

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By technical - 31/3/2015 02:50 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

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By 21ShitCleaner - 21/4/2015 12:51 - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

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By only 10 more hours to go - 6/1/2012 11:40 - United States

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

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By Anon. - 5/5/2016 21:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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By NiquetChrome - 14/4/2013 23:18 - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML

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By Dana - 29/1/2010 18:59 - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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By novapine - 1/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

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By stargirl - 19/7/2011 00:36 - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

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By Drafrica - 13/10/2014 10:20 - South Africa

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

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By laury - 9/5/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

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By frustrated - 30/10/2009 04:17 - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

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By Pierced - 30/5/2017 18:00

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By ... - 20/1/2019 02:00

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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By "burnuptowndow" - 30/9/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By PetitPrincePerdu - 8/5/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 16:00 - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By Christopher - 13/12/2010 09:16 - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML

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By incendiaaa - 24/2/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

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By doubleCoupon - 24/6/2014 18:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

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By Guy - 28/9/2015 18:49 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML

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By tingleballs - 28/4/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By anidiotskeeper - 12/7/2012 06:03 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML

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By Alex Knight - 7/11/2017 19:00

The cake was not a lie.

Today, I bought a cake. I then immediately forgot what I was carrying, opened the door to my car, and tossed the bag into the back seat. FML

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By Jane - 28/4/2016 03:58 - United States - Beaver Falls

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

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Top comments

By sparkey0127 | 0

#744965 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:17

dude that really sucks I'm sorry to hear it

By NatzSwifey | 0

#744979 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:23

that's screwed, sorry to hear that. Confront ur parents, they loved each other once maybe they still have feelings for one another...
Go to councelling so you don't end up screwed in the head

COMMENTS

By sparkey0127 | 0

#744965 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:17

dude that really sucks I'm sorry to hear it

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1298366 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 7:01

Both happy and pissed

tigerlily33212 | 0

#2306257 - Thursday 7 April 2011 1:21

how about being happy their both whores?

krad204 | 21

#3914696 - Friday 20 January 2012 17:04

... 4-some? Op you should stay far away, or blackmail them, money takes away most problems...

uhhSavage | 22

#5335469 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 0:08

Sell your love to the one who will spend the most money on you.

By NatzSwifey | 0

#744979 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:23

that's screwed, sorry to hear that. Confront ur parents, they loved each other once maybe they still have feelings for one another...
Go to councelling so you don't end up screwed in the head

chaos753159 | 4

#803318 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:02

y wouldnt she want to get screwed in the head??

wertan10 | 0

#949237 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:51

a man can't be a whore.

cooluc | 0

#972986 - Friday 2 April 2010 10:27

only a playa

redpump | 0

#973914 - Sunday 4 April 2010 8:46

yer they can. its called man-whore. watch gigolo

writergirl69 | 0

#1155514 - Thursday 29 July 2010 6:46

just so you know, op, sex=/= love

pplprsn | 0

#1989898 - Thursday 20 January 2011 20:22

men can be whores; their man-whores.

By jf7609 | 0

#744980 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:23

that's a toss up

By grimace_fml | 0

#744986 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:27

Sounds like a new movie that just came out..."It's Complicated". Seen it?

iheartjustinsane | 0

#749308 - Friday 1 January 2010 22:27

Exactly my first thought! That's a good movie, btw...

daniisme | 0

#949261 - Monday 15 March 2010 9:57

it's complicated...
my parents were married the same length of time
had 3 kids (girl boy girl) same as the movie
got divorced and my dad has a younger wife trying to get preggaz. again, same in movie.

I bs u not.

it was creepy..

By mannysaidwhat | 0

#744996 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 12:33

that's natures way of showing them that they love each other... i guess.

iEnvade | 2

#2403025 - Monday 25 April 2011 16:13

Sex doesn't equal love..sorry.

By xdrumkid101x | 0

#745040 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 13:24

I don't know what to say to this FML except for one thing:FYL

By me5 | 0

#745041 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 13:24

Just concentrate on YOUR life!

By itouchguy360 | 3

#745043 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 13:29

That sucks. If you don't like the new wife/ boyfriend that they are in love with, then this is a win because you can take a video and show it to the new ones. They are back to square one!

By fobchick | 0

#745083 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 14:34

I am agreeing with #4 on this one.

By undrum | 0

#745093 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 14:51

hahaha