Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML
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Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML
Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML
Today, I was drinking too much and I had to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I'd pissed the bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML
Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML
Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML
Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML
Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML
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Top comments
shadowfighter10 9
*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know
Pleonasm 35
The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"
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Comments (89)
weveallbeenthere 30
sounds like she was trying to make an excuse to spare your drunk ass. maybe she doesn't want to have sex when you are drunk.
superdeej 4
Is she 12 years old??? That's really a stupid excuse not to have sex!! How do sperm raise hell?
kirrra 11
so 12 years old is the cut off point for needing a "good" reason to refuse sex now.. you must have some crazy 13 year olds where you're from.
EvilLittleMan 23
Yank it, Crank it, Wank it and Thank it. Then go to bed with a smile on your face.
noreia 14
yeah that pretty sure should sum it up... if both are drunk it's fine but if only the guy is? sex tends to be bad and most guys (tho not all) fall asleep instantly - no matter which the position - once they shot their load... including on top of her heavy as he is while drooling over her or worse depending on how drunk he is... thanks - but no thanks man... ^^
profligatesoul 18
In other words, don't go out and get shit-faced then expect her to be your waiting cum bucket
vikky538 28
drunk sperm lol.. which alcohol can make the sperms drunk...
xerbrus 14
It's called Seaman Johnson its the son of Captain Morgan
commandercolbert 6
maybe you shouldnt drink with other women eapecially
yerawizardlizzy 27
Where are you getting that he was drinking with other women?
awesomeamandas 37
Lads does not mean ladies. He was drinking with his guy friends.
olpally 32
A simple "no, not tonight" would have sufficed. Lol. Geeze.
xerbrus 14
she needs to get her point across that she doesn't want to sleep with his drunk ass. I like drinking as much as the next guy but i know my limits and my guess he was drunk enough to have a hard time finding her pussy let alone being coordinated enough to hit her g-spot
kurodansei 16
Apparently when drunk your junk will spawn the child of Satan. FYL indeed sir. Your wife is funny though.
sickerthanyou 13
But it's a long way from the throat to the uterus.