Love: Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after... - FML

03/12/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 708

You deserved it 2 577

Leave us alone

Amazon Prime

Weird-ass kids

24/08/2019 04:00

Today, I saw a teenager knock over a woman, so I rushed over to help her up. Turns out, she had a knife and thanked me by stealing my wallet and phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 882

You deserved it 221

22/08/2015 12:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 605

You deserved it 6 627

07/04/2012 02:26 - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 494

You deserved it 10 712

08/01/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 563

You deserved it 2 639

You've got a friend

By no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 537

You deserved it 11 375

24/06/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 045

You deserved it 7 462

20/07/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 457

You deserved it 31 203

Kinky

By huskynick - 18/06/2020 05:05

Spicy

Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 579

01/12/2009 22:24 - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 481

You deserved it 11 628

That hurts, BTW

By phillij2 - 09/07/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 378

You deserved it 6 286

Bad liar

By Anonymous - 18/02/2020 14:00

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 630

You deserved it 231

No soup for you

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 17:00 - Germany

Today, our canteen served soup. I have Tourette's. It would have been fine, hadn't the only free seat been across from another person with Tourette's. When two people with Tourette's meet, their tics can increase tenfold. It was a splashing match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 73

16/09/2012 23:01 - United States - Stockton

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 359

You deserved it 2 073

28/04/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 768

You deserved it 5 212

16/04/2012 03:10 - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 207

You deserved it 3 575

07/07/2010 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked up the courage at lunch to sit next to the girl I've been in love with for 3 years. Everything was going great. That is, until I sneezed and my retainer shot out my mouth, and landed in her lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 185

You deserved it 8 005

30/11/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 726

You deserved it 5 066

16/12/2014 16:35 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 550

You deserved it 2 523

12/12/2011 03:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 799

You deserved it 6 846

01/05/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 802

You deserved it 7 413

Priorities

By elly - 08/04/2021 14:00

Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 144

04/09/2010 03:43

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 144

You deserved it 3 446

21/02/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 593

You deserved it 18 857

14/06/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 927

You deserved it 35 705

08/09/2011 06:34 - Reserved

Spicy

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 074

You deserved it 2 539

06/09/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 524

You deserved it 4 924

15/02/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 557

You deserved it 4 415

29/01/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I found a guy getting out of my car with my GPS. He started running and I chased him. We eventually reached a dead end and he gave it back to me. I took it back from him and said, "Sorry..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 537

You deserved it 6 857

30/09/2009 17:45 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend called me at work and offered to take me out to lunch. When he went to pay for the meal, his card was declined so I told him not to worry and that I would pay for the birthday meal. He looked at me and said "It's your birthday?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 177

You deserved it 3 580

22/02/2010 09:28 - United States

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 661

You deserved it 2 607

09/03/2018 19:00

Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 631

You deserved it 997

29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 076

You deserved it 2 905

25/09/2017 23:15

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 289

You deserved it 312

06/08/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 036

You deserved it 6 522

20/05/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 999

You deserved it 2 116

30/08/2018 06:00

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 425

You deserved it 314

Side piece

By sideGirl - 26/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Lancaster

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend when she walked into his bedroom while we were having sex. I didn't drive there, so I'm now sitting in his car while they fight. It's been two hours since she got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 174

01/05/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 954

You deserved it 3 549

22/08/2016 11:49 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 435

You deserved it 1 422

14/12/2013 05:52 - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 129

You deserved it 3 249

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:38

hey at least your wife is cheating on you with an extreamly idiotic person who thinks cable men answer other ppl's phones for them. fyl

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

damn you Jim Carey

Comments

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

That kinda sucks

Reyo 2

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Friday 4 December 2009 9:45

All you had to do is ask why the Cable guy was answering your phone to get him caught in his own lie.

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Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:25

Rule 1 of cheating: When at the house of the person you're affair is with DO NOT, under any circumstances, answer the phone. Because it's not yours.

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

damn you Jim Carey

alexandraa_fml 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:36

He's only mounting your wife.. i mean,. dish. Edit: I didn't click reply on yours! :( But anyway.. nice reference.

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:38

hey at least your wife is cheating on you with an extreamly idiotic person who thinks cable men answer other ppl's phones for them. fyl

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Friday 4 December 2009 3:30

Since when do people working on your house answer your phone? What a retard. And if he was sleeping with her, wouldn't he be smart enough to not answer her phone?

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Sunday 4 July 2010 2:48

lmaoo!!

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Sunday 25 July 2010 19:09

you are very sexy.

rebel_yell_tiny 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:40

q hijueputa!!

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Friday 4 December 2009 4:53

I'm really curious as to what this says...

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Friday 4 December 2009 5:06

It means: "what a sonofabitch!", referring to the cable guy. "q" is short for "que", which translates to "what" "hijueputa" is an informal conjugation of "hijo" "de" and "puta", which translate to "son", "of", and "bitch".

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Friday 4 December 2009 5:25

wow. thanks for the translation :D wondering what that meant too.

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Friday 4 December 2009 5:27

I speak fluent Spanish, but I never would have guessed that's what it was, lmao

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Friday 4 December 2009 6:39

if ur spanish teacher is white then FYL

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Friday 4 December 2009 8:00

Actually, I'm Hispanic. I was just.. raised in America for the most part.. So.. Other ways of typing/spelling/saying bad words.. and even some bad words... I'm oblivious to. You don't learn a lot fo bad words when you live in Mexico from ages 3-9 ;D

boredSOLDIER 33

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Tuesday 4 June 2013 5:02

Estas en lo cierto.

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:41

hahaha, wow that sucks. maybe you can ask for free cable now?

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:42

dont they usually call your home first anyways? maybe she found out and bought cable. aw, who am i kidding, cable guys dont answer your phone!

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Friday 4 December 2009 2:58

now that is a lame-ass excuse.

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Friday 4 December 2009 15:38

I commend your hyphenation, soldier!

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Tuesday 15 December 2009 7:08

More like a lame ass-excuse. (ty xkcd)

jayemdoubleyou 1

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Friday 4 December 2009 3:07

Sounds like he was laying down some cable, buh-zing! Seriously though, that sucks.

redbluegreen 40

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Friday 4 December 2009 3:12

Your wife does porn.

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Friday 4 December 2009 4:41

Tee-hee! She's in "Nalin the cable guy"... Ok that sounded funnier in my head in retrospect...

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Friday 4 December 2009 9:32

I laughed... hi 5. Sad situation tho...

Tequilamockngbrd 7

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Friday 4 December 2009 3:13

Maybe he was re-installing it! :D Be optimistic.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 36

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 105