Love: Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after...

By SatelliteUser - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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Love

Out of it

Late term

Chuds

By Jim

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By rxcrs3 - United States

Today, as I was cashing a customer out, he stopped me in the middle of the transaction just to tell me that the condoms he was buying are too big for him. FML

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By pixkalexi - United States - North Easton

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

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By WolfieJL - United States

Today, my two year old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

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By Colin Jr. - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

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By gudmarjoh - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

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By ants9omarching - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

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By Cate - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By unemployed-dude - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

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By 3rdWheel1stBorn

Today, I saw that my biological father took his 2 favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

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By aftermath1991 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit for an hour listening to my girlfriend talk to her ex about his testicles. She laughed more during that conversation than she ever has with me. FML

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By Adam Jensen - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML

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By Single Again

Cunning

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By SunshineX7 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I had two minutes to get to the bus stop which usually takes me eight minutes. I had to catch that bus to be at work at the hospital in time. I was in such a hurry, I didn't have the time to tie my shoe laces. I ran with untied shoe laces. I did end up in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

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By jakewr - United States

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

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By Cass - Australia

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

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By buggingout - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

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By devinchi - United States

Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

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By Anonymous - Maldives - Male

Today, at a family dinner, my mom announced that my newborn brother was named after his father. His name is Kevin. My dad's name is Michael. FML

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By bojangles - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Inga44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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By howtobesingle - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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Top comments

By hotpockets92 | 0

#703220 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:38

hey at least your wife is cheating on you with an extreamly idiotic person who thinks cable men answer other ppl's phones for them. fyl

By GeekLogic | 0

#703210 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

damn you Jim Carey

COMMENTS

By Suekoff16 | 3

#703207 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

That kinda sucks

Reyo | 2

#703883 - Friday 4 December 2009 9:45

All you had to do is ask why the Cable guy was answering your phone to get him caught in his own lie.

thedaish | 0

#2983894 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:25

Rule 1 of cheating: When at the house of the person you're affair is with DO NOT, under any circumstances, answer the phone. Because it's not yours.

By GeekLogic | 0

#703210 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

damn you Jim Carey

alexandraa_fml | 0

#703215 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:36

He's only mounting your wife.. i mean,. dish.
Edit: I didn't click reply on yours! :( But anyway.. nice reference.

By hotpockets92 | 0

#703220 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:38

hey at least your wife is cheating on you with an extreamly idiotic person who thinks cable men answer other ppl's phones for them. fyl

oopsiess | 0

#703358 - Friday 4 December 2009 3:30

Since when do people working on your house answer your phone? What a retard. And if he was sleeping with her, wouldn't he be smart enough to not answer her phone?

jazzy2588 | 0

#1061123 - Sunday 4 July 2010 2:48

lmaoo!!

iMP0W3R | 0

#1138604 - Sunday 25 July 2010 19:09

you are very sexy.

By rebel_yell_tiny | 0

#703226 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:40

q hijueputa!!

dudeitsdanny | 9

#703526 - Friday 4 December 2009 4:53

I'm really curious as to what this says...

glorbnakcs | 0

#703550 - Friday 4 December 2009 5:06

It means: "what a sonofabitch!", referring to the cable guy.

"q" is short for "que", which translates to "what"

"hijueputa" is an informal conjugation of "hijo" "de" and "puta", which translate to "son", "of", and "bitch".

357oboh | 0

#703590 - Friday 4 December 2009 5:25

wow.
thanks for the translation :D
wondering what that meant too.

dudeitsdanny | 9

#703593 - Friday 4 December 2009 5:27

I speak fluent Spanish, but I never would have guessed that's what it was, lmao

eduardo2k | 0

#703692 - Friday 4 December 2009 6:39

if ur spanish teacher is white then FYL

dudeitsdanny | 9

#703786 - Friday 4 December 2009 8:00

Actually, I'm Hispanic.
I was just.. raised in America for the most part..
So.. Other ways of typing/spelling/saying bad words.. and even some bad words...
I'm oblivious to. You don't learn a lot fo bad words when you live in Mexico from ages 3-9 ;D