Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after...

By SatelliteUser - 3/12/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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Love

Compassion

Live dumping

Rich people problems

By Awie - 20/10/2011 08:26 - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

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By Hurtingincanada - 17/10/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

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By BoredRunner42 - 7/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

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By anonymous - 26/3/2015 03:43 - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

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By Clare - 21/2/2011 23:15 - Canada

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

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By forever alone - 30/8/2016 13:55 - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:35 - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2016 08:34 - United Kingdom - Bromsgrove

Today, I spent hours putting together a beautifully intricate jigsaw to give to my grandmother, who likes to frame them and hang them on her wall. Just as I was about to finish it, I discovered my dog chewing the last piece. FML

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By malebonding - 17/8/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By Bree - 22/10/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

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By BDSM4Jesus - 20/1/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

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By unemployed - 11/7/2016 19:09 - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

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By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00

Preemptive strike

Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

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By joanikens - 26/3/2016 19:02 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I'm a barista at Starbucks. When my crush walked in and asked how much his coffee would cost, I said a date. He said he'd rather pay for the coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

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By doubleCoupon - 24/6/2014 18:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

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By realnotimaginary - 15/12/2016 06:00

Today, my boss gave me a lecture accompanied with a formal warning because I failed to take notes during a client meeting. I was never at this client meeting, in fact, I had a call with another client at the same time. Regardless, he insists I was there and refuses to listen to reason. FML

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By Schmolly - 13/10/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I had a mental break down. Many things have been going completely wrong in my life, and I finally decided to let my boyfriend know about it. After about an hour of explaining and pouring my heart out, his response was "I think we were better off as friends." FML

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By jobless - 1/12/2015 04:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

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By BbyDelight - 27/4/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

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By froggylicious - 16/8/2011 18:18 - Canada

Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML

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By LaughingFML - 1/6/2016 21:33 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother found out that I'm three months pregnant. She told my boyfriend to put it up for adoption, and now wants a paternity test. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

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By jab43 - 23/7/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

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By tramrider - 7/3/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

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By TheLibrarian - 27/10/2018 05:00

Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2015 20:24

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 16:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

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By verydepressed - 21/8/2013 07:18 - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

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By supergirl7 - 27/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By stupid - 26/5/2015 06:54 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Global stinking

Today, my boyfriend told me he thinks brushing his teeth and doing anything basically hygienic is unnecessary now, because, "we're all going to die out around about 2050 anyway." FML

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By alynna007 - 2/1/2013 10:31 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

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Top comments

By hotpockets92 | 0

#703220 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:38

hey at least your wife is cheating on you with an extreamly idiotic person who thinks cable men answer other ppl's phones for them. fyl

By GeekLogic | 0

#703210 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

damn you Jim Carey

COMMENTS

By Suekoff16 | 3

#703207 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

That kinda sucks

Reyo | 2

#703883 - Friday 4 December 2009 9:45

All you had to do is ask why the Cable guy was answering your phone to get him caught in his own lie.

thedaish | 0

#2983894 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:25

Rule 1 of cheating: When at the house of the person you're affair is with DO NOT, under any circumstances, answer the phone. Because it's not yours.

By GeekLogic | 0

#703210 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:34

damn you Jim Carey

alexandraa_fml | 0

#703215 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:36

He's only mounting your wife.. i mean,. dish.
Edit: I didn't click reply on yours! :( But anyway.. nice reference.

By hotpockets92 | 0

#703220 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:38

hey at least your wife is cheating on you with an extreamly idiotic person who thinks cable men answer other ppl's phones for them. fyl

oopsiess | 0

#703358 - Friday 4 December 2009 3:30

Since when do people working on your house answer your phone? What a retard. And if he was sleeping with her, wouldn't he be smart enough to not answer her phone?

jazzy2588 | 0

#1061123 - Sunday 4 July 2010 2:48

lmaoo!!

iMP0W3R | 0

#1138604 - Sunday 25 July 2010 19:09

you are very sexy.

By rebel_yell_tiny | 0

#703226 - Friday 4 December 2009 2:40

q hijueputa!!

dudeitsdanny | 9

#703526 - Friday 4 December 2009 4:53

I'm really curious as to what this says...

glorbnakcs | 0

#703550 - Friday 4 December 2009 5:06

It means: "what a sonofabitch!", referring to the cable guy.

"q" is short for "que", which translates to "what"

"hijueputa" is an informal conjugation of "hijo" "de" and "puta", which translate to "son", "of", and "bitch".

357oboh | 0

#703590 - Friday 4 December 2009 5:25

wow.
thanks for the translation :D
wondering what that meant too.

dudeitsdanny | 9

#703593 - Friday 4 December 2009 5:27

I speak fluent Spanish, but I never would have guessed that's what it was, lmao

eduardo2k | 0

#703692 - Friday 4 December 2009 6:39

if ur spanish teacher is white then FYL

dudeitsdanny | 9

#703786 - Friday 4 December 2009 8:00

Actually, I'm Hispanic.
I was just.. raised in America for the most part..
So.. Other ways of typing/spelling/saying bad words.. and even some bad words...
I'm oblivious to. You don't learn a lot fo bad words when you live in Mexico from ages 3-9 ;D