Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was...

By Mr_poole - 18/5/2013 20:06 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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Love

Understandable

Call CPS!

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By NickC - 29/11/2009 00:40 - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By UhOh - 8/7/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 14:47 - United Kingdom

Today, we finally got our first electricity bill for our new flat. I was shocked to see that we had used £60 worth of electricity in 6 weeks. Then I noticed that it was only an estimate, and that we could read the meter ourselves to correct the amount. We now have to pay nearly £400. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By embareassed - 20/1/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

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By AppState - 1/3/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

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By Ohgodhelpme - 25/10/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By :( - 27/7/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

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By UglyApparently - 5/10/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

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By kagan - 8/8/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

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By LoveMyNewBro - 4/1/2011 10:56

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

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By ilovemom - 1/12/2009 06:20 - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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By kai - 27/1/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

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By E or - 13/7/2010 13:41 - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

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By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By well then... - 21/2/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

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By lonely - 21/3/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

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By Calimero0 - 24/3/2020 16:00

All-natural, Facebook-sourced, Mother-in-law

Today, my mother-in-law thinks she's the only person in the world who can stop the coronavirus crisis. So far, she has brought thyme, honey, lemons, parsley, ridiculously expensive and poisonous silver water and, of course, the cure-all: berry juice. You'd wonder how I have managed to keep my family alive until now. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2012 10:38 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymouss - 25/6/2015 03:54 - United States

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

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By immature - 18/9/2014 19:20 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, in astronomy class, a kid used Uranus in a hilarious innuendo. I was the only one who laughed. I also happen to be the teacher. FML

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By twintowers - 4/7/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

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By smidge - 2/6/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

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By piemasterzim - 22/11/2012 01:20 - Canada

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 13:17 - United States - Gadsden

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

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By Sola - 11/5/2011 04:10

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

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By idated a moron - 10/6/2019 16:07

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

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By BookBabe - 25/3/2012 15:34 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 00:01

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 06:00 - United States

Beat It

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

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By Jack - 1/2/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 07:03 - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By Optimus_Prime97 - 3/5/2012 02:39 - United States

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

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By asshalf15 - 25/7/2014 20:19 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

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By space_cadet90818 - 8/3/2010 00:16 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

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By RingRing - 11/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

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By anon - 25/10/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

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By Shocked - 17/7/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

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Top comments

By wlddog | 14

#5497427 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:02

Well you see... First the house was attacked by pirates. Thankfully the mom managed to get her hands on the family wooden sword and defend their dwelling. But then they found out there was actually a spy in the house and it was a clone of the sister. Of course everyone knows that clones can only be defeated by getting put in the dryer, so dad was defeating the evil clone while mom defended against any future pirate attacks.

It was a good thing Op brought his girlfriend to his house for safety, because who knows which house the pirates would attack next!

By Jelbeztok | 17

#5497408 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

sounds like you have a very interesting family. what was their reason for this?

Comments

By Jelbeztok | 17

#5497408 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

sounds like you have a very interesting family. what was their reason for this?

wlddog | 14

#5497427 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:02

Meettitan | 14

#5497505 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:45

I spiked the milk with bath salts.

BadApple88 | 29

#5497625 - Sunday 19 May 2013 4:52

I love this lol

ironichalibut | 24

#5497658 - Sunday 19 May 2013 5:48

Everyone knows a clone can only be defeated by the original after a lengthy symmetrical fight, in which the original learns to master their own weaknesses to defeat the clone.
The clone must have hid in the dryer, so they had to send her in after them

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5497866 - Sunday 19 May 2013 10:45

wlddog, your story brought a tear to my eye. Just beautiful. :')

By evilraider | 5

#5497409 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

So that means your gf doesn't have to try very hard to not be awkward or embarrassing. Your parents got that part covered

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5497585 - Sunday 19 May 2013 3:22

I wonder if it's the same family who argued about toilet paper and sensitive anus?

By SimplyAmazingx | 11

#5497410 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:57

Sounds like an awesome family to me!

OliveCx | 10

#5497636 - Sunday 19 May 2013 5:10

Sounds more like an MLIA, right? ^_^

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5497413 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:58

Your family seems amazing!

By jipster | 11

#5497415 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:59

Why the hell would your father want to shove your sister in de dryer?

rg350dx | 29

#5497418 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:59

To save money on towels.

Welshite | 39

#5497443 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:07

#6: That's what I do. Not only does it save money, but I don't have to worry about doing the laundry later.

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5497445 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:08

No, that would take more money than buying reuseable towels.

He did it because it's cheaper than taking her to a waterpark for the rotating tunnel experience.

VeganVampyre | 26

#5497509 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:47

They were playing "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters". The sister was the evil witch being shoved into the oven, and the mom had her crossbow ready to shoot any other witches who showed up to fight.