Love: Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was...

By Mr_poole - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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Love

Proactive

Race against the clock

My body, my choice

By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulls away, and goes, 'OMNOMNOMNOM' then continues kissing me. FML

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By Jen

Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML

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By fmypaint - United States

Today, I was vigorously putting primer on my canvas for a beginning painting class. I accidentally sprayed specks of primer on the very dark painting to the right of mine. The painter is in an advanced class. She's been working on this one all semester. There's no one to her right. FML

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By fuckina - United States

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The "police car" I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

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By juliet - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

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By Emmz91

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

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By ParkingGuy - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, "give me a high five and I'll give you free parking since I already did the paper work." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sebastian

Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML

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By Deedee

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

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By Sarah-grace - United States - Benton

Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By 205 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

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By ChePow - Canada

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

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By momaaa1342 - United States - Elmwood

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

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By wearingshorts - United States

Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By 2nd best - 6/11/2020 11:01 - United States

Who the fuck asked you?

Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML

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By fatgirl - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By ZeroLuck - United States - Miami

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

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By superfiedman - United States

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my AC stopped working. It's currently 3:08AM and I have 2 fans running, a cold washcloth on my neck, and a window open. It's still hot as hell. Thanks, Florida. FML

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By xXEmmaLieXx - United States - Berkley

Today, my entire junior class took the ACT. On the last test, a classmate's phone went off, automatically invalidating the whole test. We all have to retake it. FML

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By unifail - Canada

Today, I drove to my university to pick up forms and books. When I parked at 2:58 there was 30 mins on the meter. I returned at 3:32 only to find a parking ticket issued at 3:31. The worst part is, the books were not available until next week and I could've got the forms online. FML

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By toiletgirl - United States

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML

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By unicorn_skies - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I bought a new, expensive dress for a date. I left the tag on and hidden in hopes of returning it later. Someone saw it and ripped it off for me to "save me from embarrassment." FML

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By nocostumeforme - Canada

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

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By DexiCola - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I asked my manager where the clearly-foreign customers were from. She said she didn't know, but she thought they were from ISIS. She wasn't trying to be funny, she thought ISIS was a country. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

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By seriously - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

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By minaaaaajftw - Norway - Jessheim

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

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By cfaul001 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why two of my friends race downstairs to each other to the cafeteria everyday at lunch; apparently there's only one free seat at the table with the rest of their friends, and the loser has to eat lunch with me. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

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By YouWish - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

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By Singleagain - Sint Maarten (Dutch part) - Philipsburg

Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML

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Top comments

By wlddog | 14

#5497427 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:02

Well you see... First the house was attacked by pirates. Thankfully the mom managed to get her hands on the family wooden sword and defend their dwelling. But then they found out there was actually a spy in the house and it was a clone of the sister. Of course everyone knows that clones can only be defeated by getting put in the dryer, so dad was defeating the evil clone while mom defended against any future pirate attacks.

It was a good thing Op brought his girlfriend to his house for safety, because who knows which house the pirates would attack next!

By Jelbeztok | 17

#5497408 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

sounds like you have a very interesting family. what was their reason for this?

COMMENTS

By Jelbeztok | 17

#5497408 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

sounds like you have a very interesting family. what was their reason for this?

wlddog | 14

#5497427 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:02

Meettitan | 14

#5497505 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:45

I spiked the milk with bath salts.

BadApple88 | 29

#5497625 - Sunday 19 May 2013 4:52

I love this lol

ironichalibut | 24

#5497658 - Sunday 19 May 2013 5:48

Everyone knows a clone can only be defeated by the original after a lengthy symmetrical fight, in which the original learns to master their own weaknesses to defeat the clone.
The clone must have hid in the dryer, so they had to send her in after them

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5497866 - Sunday 19 May 2013 10:45

wlddog, your story brought a tear to my eye. Just beautiful. :')

By evilraider | 5

#5497409 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

So that means your gf doesn't have to try very hard to not be awkward or embarrassing. Your parents got that part covered

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5497585 - Sunday 19 May 2013 3:22

I wonder if it's the same family who argued about toilet paper and sensitive anus?

By SimplyAmazingx | 11

#5497410 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:57

Sounds like an awesome family to me!

OliveCx | 10

#5497636 - Sunday 19 May 2013 5:10

Sounds more like an MLIA, right? ^_^

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5497413 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:58

Your family seems amazing!

By jipster | 11

#5497415 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:59

Why the hell would your father want to shove your sister in de dryer?

rg350dx | 29

#5497418 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:59

To save money on towels.

Welshite | 39

#5497443 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:07

#6: That's what I do. Not only does it save money, but I don't have to worry about doing the laundry later.

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5497445 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:08

No, that would take more money than buying reuseable towels.

He did it because it's cheaper than taking her to a waterpark for the rotating tunnel experience.

VeganVampyre | 26

#5497509 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:47

They were playing "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters". The sister was the evil witch being shoved into the oven, and the mom had her crossbow ready to shoot any other witches who showed up to fight.