Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was...

By Mr_poole - 18/5/2013 20:06 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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Love

Tense

This is fine

QAnon weirdoes

By Liar Liar - 12/2/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By loveless - 24/9/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

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By Username - 21/1/2011 01:41

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". FML

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By BestBF - 23/4/2013 23:22 - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

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By guessnot - 4/2/2013 02:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 00:17 - United States

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

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By This Guy - 26/9/2011 17:18 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. When I came out, the front end of my car was crushed in. On the window was a note only saying "Sorry I bumped into your car." FML

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By creeper-status - 5/5/2016 17:37 - United States - Irvine

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 02:41 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

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By Kimmiko - 4/6/2009 12:17 - Germany

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 02:25 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

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By i have failed so very badly - 7/4/2017 18:51 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

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By GeoKid - 18/3/2013 03:09 - Canada

Today, after six months of writing a 40 page paper criticizing a famous method, I found out the professor who conceived it has transferred to my favorite college to head the department I'm applying to study in. They require I submit the paper with my application. FML

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By Not Gay - 9/6/2015 03:04 - United States - Williamston

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

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By customerservicesucks - 26/5/2010 04:26 - Canada

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

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By Sara246 - 19/8/2010 23:11 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

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By Wanaaa - 25/11/2016 07:08 - France - Toulouse

Today, I was watching TV with my husband and my 5-year-old son. Everything was going fine until my son asked his father, “Why can’t mom know that you have another sweetheart?” FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 22:01

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By Felicityfrank - 1/5/2014 14:17 - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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By { o } - 22/3/2015 17:41 - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 06:39 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

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By meach - 6/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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By Lena - 27/3/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I got a small scar on my faced removed at a plastic surgeon's. Afterward, I told my mom that losing the scar felt weird, like I lost something that gave me character. My mom replied, "Don't worry, you have plenty of other flaws to give you character." FML

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By mackenzie_cain - 14/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

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By uhhggggg - 2/1/2010 17:16 - France

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

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By It's a foot long - 3/9/2018 03:30

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

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By badbowel - 31/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I was sick from both ends at work. My boss wouldn't let me go home, and told me to borrow a pair of spare pants to change into. I suffered another bout of gastroenteritis and shit someone else's pants. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - 22/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 14:00

Dumb question

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

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By Alisterine - 24/8/2014 17:31 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

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By anon - 20/8/2012 05:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend got a hotel room with a jacuzzi, drinks, and tickets to Six Flags for my birthday. He is currently passed out drunk on the other side of the bed, cursing me out in his sleep. FML

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By burnedboy - 18/1/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

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By justsomesummer - 26/1/2016 18:09 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML

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By anonymous - 12/12/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

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By okay17 - 29/12/2015 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2013 20:49 - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML

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By LovelessNewlywed - 14/12/2016 22:41

Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML

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By cakekiller - 29/9/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, there was a big cake at the office. I thought it was funny to pretend to push the cute girl in the office into it. She laughed, but then lost her balance and fell forward. Everyone saw. Turns out she’s allergic to coconut, even just the shavings on a cake, and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

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By FinanciallyF*ked - 21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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Top comments

By wlddog | 14

#5497427 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:02

Well you see... First the house was attacked by pirates. Thankfully the mom managed to get her hands on the family wooden sword and defend their dwelling. But then they found out there was actually a spy in the house and it was a clone of the sister. Of course everyone knows that clones can only be defeated by getting put in the dryer, so dad was defeating the evil clone while mom defended against any future pirate attacks.

It was a good thing Op brought his girlfriend to his house for safety, because who knows which house the pirates would attack next!

By Jelbeztok | 17

#5497408 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

sounds like you have a very interesting family. what was their reason for this?

COMMENTS

By Jelbeztok | 17

#5497408 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

sounds like you have a very interesting family. what was their reason for this?

wlddog | 14

#5497427 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:02

Meettitan | 14

#5497505 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:45

I spiked the milk with bath salts.

BadApple88 | 29

#5497625 - Sunday 19 May 2013 4:52

I love this lol

ironichalibut | 24

#5497658 - Sunday 19 May 2013 5:48

Everyone knows a clone can only be defeated by the original after a lengthy symmetrical fight, in which the original learns to master their own weaknesses to defeat the clone.
The clone must have hid in the dryer, so they had to send her in after them

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5497866 - Sunday 19 May 2013 10:45

wlddog, your story brought a tear to my eye. Just beautiful. :')

By evilraider | 5

#5497409 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:56

So that means your gf doesn't have to try very hard to not be awkward or embarrassing. Your parents got that part covered

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5497585 - Sunday 19 May 2013 3:22

I wonder if it's the same family who argued about toilet paper and sensitive anus?

By SimplyAmazingx | 11

#5497410 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:57

Sounds like an awesome family to me!

OliveCx | 10

#5497636 - Sunday 19 May 2013 5:10

Sounds more like an MLIA, right? ^_^

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5497413 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:58

Your family seems amazing!

By jipster | 11

#5497415 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:59

Why the hell would your father want to shove your sister in de dryer?

rg350dx | 29

#5497418 - Sunday 19 May 2013 0:59

To save money on towels.

Welshite | 39

#5497443 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:07

#6: That's what I do. Not only does it save money, but I don't have to worry about doing the laundry later.

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5497445 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:08

No, that would take more money than buying reuseable towels.

He did it because it's cheaper than taking her to a waterpark for the rotating tunnel experience.

VeganVampyre | 26

#5497509 - Sunday 19 May 2013 1:47

They were playing "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters". The sister was the evil witch being shoved into the oven, and the mom had her crossbow ready to shoot any other witches who showed up to fight.