Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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Near the knuckle

Social distancing gone wrong

Mr Sensitivity

By dabull - 27/4/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By missseloit3 - 9/12/2017 01:30

Et tu, Brute?

Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML

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By jadehin - 8/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

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By buymeflavoredlube - 5/6/2018 05:00

Spit or Swallow?

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

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By VladyBoi - 1/11/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By pissedoff - 28/6/2016 11:53 - United States - Benton

Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML

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By NevertheKool - 7/5/2015 21:43 - United States - Union City

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

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By witt75 - 23/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By latenightbite - 16/3/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

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By Aw522 - 30/5/2012 23:07 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By Scaryman - 21/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

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By MissIsabel - 3/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

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By creepermagnet - 10/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I replied "no" that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

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By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 04:44 - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

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By obsceene - 18/10/2010 10:49 - United States

Today, it was wacky tacky day at my school. I did not participate, however, I did get voted the tackiest outfit in my school. FML

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By g'day cunt - 26/8/2012 18:27 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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By bymyself - 7/2/2011 02:05

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 11:40

Today, my soon to be ex-wife told her friends that we're getting a divorce because I'm physically abusive. I guess that sounded better than the truth: that she waited 8 months into her pregnancy to tell me that the child probably isn't even mine. FML

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By candy man - 4/9/2014 19:32 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By 'creep' - 22/4/2013 05:01 - United States - Littleton

Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML

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By Kittykatkrunch - 12/11/2009 05:09 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out I asked him about it. He replied. "Don't worry babe, she is perfect and way too good for me". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 16:53 - United States - Concord

Today, I was at Walmart. A guy in a mobility scooter bumped into me, then told me to "get the fuck out of the way." When I told him to watch his mouth, he got up and shoved me into a shelf. Just a few minutes prior, he'd yelled that he was paralyzed from the waist down. FML

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By Chicagoillinois - 3/1/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 16:52 - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By Ruby Lore - 20/7/2017 00:31

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By poorlyparented - 16/6/2015 12:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

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By Fought The Law - 29/10/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

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By frozenpoo - 21/1/2015 02:05 - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

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By Seriouslynow - 22/5/2016 17:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

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By new name - 6/11/2012 22:03 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

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By sadkid - 25/9/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

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By jace17 - 24/8/2010 08:34 - United States

Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML

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By Jordan - 30/4/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2019 00:00

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By Flicker - 14/5/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By Kira - 24/4/2015 17:09 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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By graphite01 - 1/11/2016 04:08 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

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Top comments

By D_R_A_M_A | 0

#610898 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:34

Wow, I think my mom works with you...

By brinky09 | 0

#610856 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:14

Oh you're a smart one, aren't you?

YDI for not noticing the button jammed in your back.

COMMENTS

By untoldfame | 3

#610842 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:10

sorry, this isnt an FML. this is an MLIA.

Reply

youaresofucked | 0

#613721 - Saturday 10 October 2009 19:53

this isnt an FML - this is HOT

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#995192 - Sunday 16 May 2010 5:51

Brilliant. Also were there cameras inside said office perhaps? Giggity giggity

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1191132 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:21

Wonder what the cowerkers were thinking

By brinky09 | 0

#610856 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:14

Oh you're a smart one, aren't you?

YDI for not noticing the button jammed in your back.

Reply

kevick93 | 0

#864411 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 5:09

I call fake

Reply

JetLiFanFTW | 0

#973326 - Saturday 3 April 2010 1:47

what's ydi

Reply

omgiitsme03 | 0

#1082919 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 5:20

yeah I think this fml is a fake

Reply

VenomxD | 0

#1112272 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:59

YDI for bein a nasty bitch that's just gross Dx

Reply

luke1998 | 0

#2148778 - Friday 4 March 2011 7:30

you dumb idiot

Reply

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2171684 - Friday 11 March 2011 6:20

or you deserved it.

By D_R_A_M_A | 0

#610898 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:34

Wow, I think my mom works with you...

Reply

powerslave117 | 0

#2342215 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 6:30

that's hot...

Reply

OutlawISaBEAST | 0

#3089459 - Friday 12 August 2011 1:52

It's a small world after all!

By arnold38 | 1

#610905 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:37

nice celebration!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#5554714 - Thursday 27 June 2013 8:58

This is an FML and a YDI.. you should be happy that you can always find a new job but not always have a happy marriage with a husband that brings you flowers on your anniversary.

By Crunchy08 | 0

#610925 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:46

Sounds like the makings of a new office scandal. Fun stuff.

By uchihasasuke | 0

#610965 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:10

wowww slutttty

Reply

blackrose01 | 6

#3055951 - Sunday 7 August 2011 6:32

Yes cuz having sex with your husband is slutty.

By wrigglezeus | 0

#610984 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:26

it's not really slutty if it's her husband. it would be slutty if she cheated

I believe it's an fml

By jack185868 | 0

#611015 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:45

that's hilarious.

By doggie3 | 0

#611020 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:47

It's definstley not slutty if it was her husband. But, yes, FML.

Reply

clayton18 | 0

#734175 - Thursday 24 December 2009 8:19

Agreed its not sluty. It is a little kinky. but thats always fun! People need to opene their minds a little more to sex. Next time get on the floor or in the chair or something.

By darkmis1 | 17

#611140 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rockstar44 | 0

#4286777 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 0:58

Ur a buzz kill

Reply

makynen86 | 9

#6242099 - Tuesday 24 March 2015 14:47

Who says you can only have sex at home? What if your on vacation. Is it banned at hotels? This is a fml not ydi