Intimacy: Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By Unloved. - New Zealand

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

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By SLAB_GIRL15 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML

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By kprince - United States - Northridge

Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML

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By JustLeaveThem

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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By mymidlifecrisis - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

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By Dom

Today, I proposed to the girl I have known for a while, since our Dads have worked together for 40 years. After I rang my Dad to tell him the good news, he told me that there was a position open at work, which had belonged to her Dad. My Dad had to fire him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

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By wipeoffincircles - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

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By kykynevs - United States

Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML

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By MegahnDN - United States

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By fxck

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

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By Shelling Ford - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

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By heartbroken - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

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By Stupid

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

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By mybfpeedonme

Gross!

Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML

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By FlipYoC - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By jadalaheart - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

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By Florida Girl

It wasn't me

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By get me out of this house! - United States

Today, my grandma begins her second week of unemployment. So far, she has paced outside my door, randomly comes into my room, and I woke up this morning to find a bible on my bed. I now look forward to going to work every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Gosport

It wasn't me

Today, my partner thought I was having an affair because I received a video call but declined it. It was from my daughter, and I declined it because I was already on a video call with my sister. FML

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By SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! - United States - Gurnee

Today, my Breaking Bad obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks." during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

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By MimiFufu

I am what I am

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

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By bad luck? - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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By ... - France

Today, the really hot guy that works in the same building as me came to work after being away for the past two days. I said "Look who finally decided to come to work." His response: "I had a death in the family, thanks." FML

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By gimmeasalad - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

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By dude, where's my balls? :( - United States - Anchorage

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

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By WhyDoINeedAName - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 14:00

Food porn

Today, I made my boyfriend a vanilla cake for our anniversary. We sat down to eat it and one bite in, my boyfriend gets a weird look on his face. I take a bite and notice that it tastes like corn. I found out later my dad had replaced all the flour with cornmeal without telling anyone. FML

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By AnonymousLoser - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend invited me over for the first time. I pulled up to her house just to be denied at the front door by her mum. She'd invited me over to break up with me, but had her mum do it for her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By BadDad - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By D_R_A_M_A | 0

#610898 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:34

Wow, I think my mom works with you...

By brinky09 | 0

#610856 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:14

Oh you're a smart one, aren't you?

YDI for not noticing the button jammed in your back.

COMMENTS

By untoldfame | 3

#610842 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:10

sorry, this isnt an FML. this is an MLIA.

Reply

youaresofucked | 0

#613721 - Saturday 10 October 2009 19:53

this isnt an FML - this is HOT

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#995192 - Sunday 16 May 2010 5:51

Brilliant. Also were there cameras inside said office perhaps? Giggity giggity

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1191132 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:21

Wonder what the cowerkers were thinking

By brinky09 | 0

#610856 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:14

Oh you're a smart one, aren't you?

YDI for not noticing the button jammed in your back.

Reply

kevick93 | 0

#864411 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 5:09

I call fake

Reply

JetLiFanFTW | 0

#973326 - Saturday 3 April 2010 1:47

what's ydi

Reply

omgiitsme03 | 0

#1082919 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 5:20

yeah I think this fml is a fake

Reply

VenomxD | 0

#1112272 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:59

YDI for bein a nasty bitch that's just gross Dx

Reply

luke1998 | 0

#2148778 - Friday 4 March 2011 7:30

you dumb idiot

Reply

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2171684 - Friday 11 March 2011 6:20

or you deserved it.

By D_R_A_M_A | 0

#610898 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:34

Wow, I think my mom works with you...

Reply

powerslave117 | 0

#2342215 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 6:30

that's hot...

Reply

OutlawISaBEAST | 0

#3089459 - Friday 12 August 2011 1:52

It's a small world after all!

By arnold38 | 1

#610905 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:37

nice celebration!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#5554714 - Thursday 27 June 2013 8:58

This is an FML and a YDI.. you should be happy that you can always find a new job but not always have a happy marriage with a husband that brings you flowers on your anniversary.

By Crunchy08 | 0

#610925 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:46

Sounds like the makings of a new office scandal. Fun stuff.

By uchihasasuke | 0

#610965 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:10

wowww slutttty

Reply

blackrose01 | 6

#3055951 - Sunday 7 August 2011 6:32

Yes cuz having sex with your husband is slutty.

By wrigglezeus | 0

#610984 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:26

it's not really slutty if it's her husband. it would be slutty if she cheated

I believe it's an fml

By jack185868 | 0

#611015 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:45

that's hilarious.

By doggie3 | 0

#611020 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:47

It's definstley not slutty if it was her husband. But, yes, FML.

Reply

clayton18 | 0

#734175 - Thursday 24 December 2009 8:19

Agreed its not sluty. It is a little kinky. but thats always fun! People need to opene their minds a little more to sex. Next time get on the floor or in the chair or something.

By darkmis1 | 17

#611140 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

rockstar44 | 0

#4286777 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 0:58

Ur a buzz kill

Reply

makynen86 | 9

#6242099 - Tuesday 24 March 2015 14:47

Who says you can only have sex at home? What if your on vacation. Is it banned at hotels? This is a fml not ydi