Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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Understandable

Emergency haircut

Assumptions

By Shino - 26/6/2018 19:00

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

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By youredisgusting - 3/10/2014 07:00 - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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By faglypoog - 23/12/2016 02:31

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

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By Thesuz - 6/9/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - 6/2/2009 23:54 - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

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By screwed - 8/2/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By Aleena Rashid - 20/6/2019 06:19

Today, I bought a flatpack, easy to assemble cot-bed for my baby. I spent 5 hours building it, but when it was done, I realised I couldn't reach into it because I'm 5ft and my arms can't reach and lift the baby. I'd have to throw him in. I'm suffering from back spasms as a result, and I now need to disassemble and return it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

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By heather - 20/6/2011 22:25 - Canada

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

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By Lookalike - 12/5/2014 14:38 - United States - Nitro

Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and asked if I was Brad Pitt. Either there's some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm the world's ugliest woman. FML

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By Courtney - 28/6/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

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By Sue Ellen - 21/4/2014 15:43 - United States - Providence

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

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By missy - 9/3/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

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By praise the prenup - 3/10/2012 00:04 - United States - Delaware

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 21:05 - Israel

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

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By pool party - 29/5/2013 00:48 - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was alone in the car with my grandma for five hours while she told me all about the multiple bladder infections she's had in the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:56 - United States - Hermiston

Today, my brother thought jumping out and punching me in the stomach would cure my hiccups. Yeah. Didn't work. FML

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By hc11bmd - 19/6/2012 17:20 - United States - Bethel

Today, I asked a coworker what she'd bought her dad for father's day. She said that she got him some flowers, and I laughed because I thought it was a rather feminine gift for a man. I later found out that the flowers were for his grave. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

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By whyme - 13/7/2011 05:40 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

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By imabadperson - 6/3/2010 12:24 - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 21:58 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

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By higagram - 10/9/2010 03:15 - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - 13/7/2012 07:37 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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By SimpleSadie - 22/4/2017 16:00

Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML

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By c.hip - 19/8/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2016 18:02

Today, my boss tried to fire me for not emailing him a screenshot to prove my email wasn't working. FML

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By picklet - 12/5/2012 14:36 - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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By holy - 21/10/2009 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

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By ITalkGood - 28/12/2010 00:37 - France

Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 14:47 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 17:39 - Qatar - Doha

Today, my boss' incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By romantic84 - 31/5/2011 04:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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Top comments

By D_R_A_M_A | 0

#610898 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:34

Wow, I think my mom works with you...

By brinky09 | 0

#610856 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:14

Oh you're a smart one, aren't you?

YDI for not noticing the button jammed in your back.

Comments

By untoldfame | 3

#610842 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:10

sorry, this isnt an FML. this is an MLIA.

Reply

youaresofucked | 0

#613721 - Saturday 10 October 2009 19:53

this isnt an FML - this is HOT

Reply

#995192 - Sunday 16 May 2010 5:51

Brilliant. Also were there cameras inside said office perhaps? Giggity giggity

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1191132 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:21

Wonder what the cowerkers were thinking

By brinky09 | 0

#610856 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:14

Oh you're a smart one, aren't you?

YDI for not noticing the button jammed in your back.

Reply

kevick93 | 0

#864411 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 5:09

I call fake

Reply

JetLiFanFTW | 0

#973326 - Saturday 3 April 2010 1:47

what's ydi

Reply

omgiitsme03 | 0

#1082919 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 5:20

yeah I think this fml is a fake

Reply

VenomxD | 0

#1112272 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:59

YDI for bein a nasty bitch that's just gross Dx

Reply

luke1998 | 0

#2148778 - Friday 4 March 2011 7:30

you dumb idiot

Reply

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2171684 - Friday 11 March 2011 6:20

or you deserved it.

By D_R_A_M_A | 0

#610898 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:34

Wow, I think my mom works with you...

Reply

powerslave117 | 0

#2342215 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 6:30

that's hot...

Reply

OutlawISaBEAST | 0

#3089459 - Friday 12 August 2011 1:52

It's a small world after all!

By arnold38 | 1

#610905 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:37

nice celebration!

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#5554714 - Thursday 27 June 2013 8:58

This is an FML and a YDI.. you should be happy that you can always find a new job but not always have a happy marriage with a husband that brings you flowers on your anniversary.

By Crunchy08 | 0

#610925 - Thursday 8 October 2009 23:46

Sounds like the makings of a new office scandal. Fun stuff.

By uchihasasuke | 0

#610965 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:10

wowww slutttty

Reply

blackrose01 | 6

#3055951 - Sunday 7 August 2011 6:32

Yes cuz having sex with your husband is slutty.

By wrigglezeus | 0

#610984 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:26

it's not really slutty if it's her husband. it would be slutty if she cheated

I believe it's an fml

By jack185868 | 0

#611015 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:45

that's hilarious.

By doggie3 | 0

#611020 - Friday 9 October 2009 0:47

It's definstley not slutty if it was her husband. But, yes, FML.

Reply

clayton18 | 0

#734175 - Thursday 24 December 2009 8:19

Agreed its not sluty. It is a little kinky. but thats always fun! People need to opene their minds a little more to sex. Next time get on the floor or in the chair or something.

By darkmis1 | 17

#611140 - Friday 9 October 2009 2:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rockstar44 | 0

#4286777 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 0:58

Ur a buzz kill

Reply

makynen86 | 9

#6242099 - Tuesday 24 March 2015 14:47

Who says you can only have sex at home? What if your on vacation. Is it banned at hotels? This is a fml not ydi