Today, at work, a regular started talking to me. Subject of choice? His overwhelming amount of earwax. Apparently he'd like to make a candle out of it once he goes to the doctor to get it removed. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I went to a doctor's appointment to figure out why I've suddenly started going deaf. As it turns out, for some reason my ears now produce wax at an alarmingly fast rate. "Enough to make an entire candle before long if you save it up," the doctor said when she cleared them out. I guess this is my life now. FML
Today, I found out that my waking up every morning with my ear being ridiculously plugged is actually an ear infection. How did I not know? It's simple: my ears generate enough wax to make an entire fucking candle, so I assumed they were just building up again. FML
Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML
Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML
Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML
Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML
Today, I was cleaning wax out my ears when my wife came barrelling into the bathroom, desperate to pee. The door slammed right into the side of my head and the cotton swab I was using was pushed all the way in and ruptured my eardrum. FML
Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML
Today, I was getting my chest waxed. The woman dipped the stick into the wax and hit her elbow, making wax fall into my eyes. FML
Today, I had to endure a long face-to-face conversation with a coworker who had fierce BO. He had his fingers interlaced around the back of his head the whole time. FML
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Top comments
clownman 0
you work in the same office as Shrek??
aardvarks 0
Won't that be a lovely scent?
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Comments (82)
NeverShoutDana 13
Everyone has a dream... Don't crush their's.
creedaddict 9
shrek?
F0xyTurtle 8
that's gross...
raphanne_fml 33
How lovely...
amsgirl11 0
Thaats Reaalllyy Naasty . Lmfaao. -Amsgirl (:
commietaco 0
really? your name is amsgirl? I'm so glad you put it at the bottom of your comment because I would have never known that otherwise.
ygdrassil 17
You know, it changes a word if you throw in duplicate letters randomly. You can't go about lengthening words at will. And, while I can see the potential benefit of skipping capitals, why would you capitalize every word as though your comment were a title? Case of letters has meaning and thisis English, where we only capitalize the first word of a sentence and proper nouns. Your whole comment was anything but proper.
ygdrassil 17
"thisis" That was a minor typo; I'm writing on my iPod touch. I thought I should point out that I meant "this is" before anyone jumps on me for being a hypocrite.
blinksmilewink 23
Good save man.
MrXerxes5 6
Is he Shrek?
Rainbow_dumpster 28
Now that's Just awful. He should clean his ears out more often. >>;
mintcar 10
Pumpkin Spice, Fresh Linen or Vanilla Cupcake?
Arch27 27
I'm not quite so sure that earwax can work like that.
StartFromTheDark 6
I have ear candles at my job that you stick in your ear and light on fire to remove ear wax. They're pretty effective.
VeganVampyre 27
For some reason I thought you were going to say you made them from your own earwax, so it does work. :/ That sounds... not very safe, though. How does lighting a candle in your ear help anything? (Seriously wondering here...)
mackop 0
umm wouldn't that burn your ears??