Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger...

By Bailey - 5/4/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36328

You deserved it

6681

Favorite

Kids

Boozehound

Oh, hai!

Everyone's an expert

By Scarred for life - 4/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I went on a blind date. The first words that came out of his mouth were, "Rape isn't bad if you think about it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11630

You deserved it

1315

Favorite

By Bethany - 28/8/2012 21:22 - United States - Cable

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19301

You deserved it

42932

Favorite

By MIG2204 - 15/4/2019 20:00 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1893

You deserved it

171

Favorite

By nhanley1 - 2/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

65536

You deserved it

6211

Favorite

By AlwaysAwkward - 3/3/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39277

You deserved it

8976

Favorite

By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23513

You deserved it

1625

Favorite

By je suis christy - 9/1/2015 19:04 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46725

You deserved it

3093

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/8/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4035

You deserved it

1019

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 20:30

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1621

You deserved it

3150

Favorite

By iGotSkill - 31/10/2009 01:32 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago told her that I was cheating on her, telepathically. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39169

You deserved it

2885

Favorite

By Ulysse - 1/1/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7205

You deserved it

37316

Favorite

By cakefete2 - 4/7/2014 17:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41138

You deserved it

3907

Favorite

By friskeyk14 - 4/10/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28586

You deserved it

19000

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2014 03:30 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43469

You deserved it

11990

Favorite

By rykelmb - 27/5/2016 23:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13673

You deserved it

783

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/3/2012 22:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I started my research project on horror stories and people's fascination with them. I did some research and wound up reading H.P. Lovecraft. On the upside, I can now pee more easily. On the downside, it's likely to be in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19889

You deserved it

4477

Favorite

By Marco - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

81038

You deserved it

12049

Favorite

By Jamestown of Vagina - 13/9/2014 14:36 - United States - Houston

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40534

You deserved it

3700

Favorite

By birgz - 25/10/2011 12:42

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28811

You deserved it

21219

Favorite

By Feema - 9/1/2020 14:00 - United States

I am his girlfriend

Today, right after sex, my boyfriend told me that I was as good as a man, and all that I was missing was a strap-on penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2355

You deserved it

319

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to my deodorant. My armpits wouldn't stop itching, and by the time my shift was over, they were raw and bloody. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34348

You deserved it

3693

Favorite

By mlove - 6/9/2010 08:35 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39271

You deserved it

2882

Favorite

By Fmycar - 26/9/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21325

You deserved it

37944

Favorite

By Mad - 27/6/2011 01:14 - Australia

Today, after a weekend of helping my sister-in-law move out of our house, vacuuming and mopping her bedroom and bathroom for her, scrubbing her walls and cleaning her shower, transporting her furniture and getting her carpet professionally cleaned, to cover costs she offered me $14. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34524

You deserved it

5242

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/6/2016 10:00 - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

I agree, your life sucks

14150

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2124

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

494

You deserved it

2483

Favorite

By Heartbroken - 20/1/2009 15:16 - Australia

Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole that dumped me last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25197

You deserved it

5578

Favorite

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11345

You deserved it

744

Favorite

By Fiona the Deceived - 30/5/2018 19:00

Baby New Year?

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4200

You deserved it

234

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 20:16 - United States

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46574

You deserved it

3844

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

I agree, your life sucks

21111

You deserved it

38066

Favorite

By BoBandy - 15/8/2018 14:30

Today, I finally went to the hospital for a week-long migraine. A few Saturdays ago I went to the park to play frisbee with my friends and coworkers. While climbing a fence, I fell and hit my head twice. Turns out I have a severe concussion and a swollen brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2586

You deserved it

852

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 04:44 - United States - Mahwah

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34537

You deserved it

3531

Favorite

By thisentiretime... - 18/3/2013 20:30 - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37227

You deserved it

7561

Favorite

By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1606

You deserved it

157

Favorite

By none - 22/8/2013 04:27 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

59124

You deserved it

8761

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/6/2014 02:45 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26778

You deserved it

47565

Favorite

By AndyAnonymous - 27/4/2012 00:04 - United States

Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12743

You deserved it

22331

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 03:09 - Canada

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9471

You deserved it

71207

Favorite

By Jessie - 5/7/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46516

You deserved it

4589

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By enonymous | 8

#2298345 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 12:11

You're lucky she didn't charge you for that meal. sautéed baby earwax is usually served with a hot caramelized snot ball and a side of full half baked diaper.

By denvan | 0

#2298333 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 12:06

Get those earwax cooking lessons started

Comments

By denvan | 0

#2298333 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 12:06

Get those earwax cooking lessons started

khaya | 9

#2298359 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 12:22

It is a subtle hint, meaning your food taste like shit.

neo9421 | 0

#2298474 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 13:19

obviously..

just_lol | 0

#2298661 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 14:47

No, it means that you can't understand sarcasm, which means that you must have a shitty humour...

dre_bro11 | 12

#2298671 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 14:51

Einstein, I find it rude that you should stick your tongue out at me.

just_lol | 0

#2298685 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 14:54

damn, where is that edit button??
Sorry, I thought you were talking to #1

ballwiz23 | 0

#2299165 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 18:51

this isn't fml worthy

just_lol | 0

#2299314 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 19:56

Well it's not personnal, I've discovered that it is the only universal langage....

ballwiz23 | 0

#2299898 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:51

not sure why my comment got moded. I just said this isn't really fml worthy. it's really not that bad

atthegates | 0

#2301679 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 5:00

0/2 wiz....not doin too good are we champ

ballwiz24 | 0

#2301866 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 5:45

Still not fml worthy

Angi95 | 3

#2760190 - Sunday 26 June 2011 3:02

well it's not really that big of a secret if they've eaten dinner.

T9FTW | 20

#5126784 - Thursday 8 November 2012 4:45

LOL, Wizards fail... again.

By TomFeltonFan | 0

#2298343 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 12:09

mmmm, sounds like some delicious earwax.

By enonymous | 8

#2298345 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 12:11

You're lucky she didn't charge you for that meal. sautéed baby earwax is usually served with a hot caramelized snot ball and a side of full half baked diaper.