Work: Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly... - FML

By weirded out - 11/08/2014 02:22 - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 035

You deserved it 3 707

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Preventive measures

By zzdug - 08/02/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 019

You deserved it 5 865

Empathy

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 17:00

Today, at a funeral, I'd told my autistic son it would be over at 11:30. By 11:33 he was loudly complaining the funeral should be over, and could we leave because he was bored. I had to drag him out, still loudly complaining about the time, while 50 relatives glared absolute daggers at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 300

By idontunderstand - 07/05/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 669

You deserved it 305

By lhazel - 17/09/2015 02:36 - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. He said he wanted to be a bartender, and single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 180

You deserved it 2 065

By Unlucky - 15/11/2014 02:18 - Australia - Cairns

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 879

You deserved it 3 008

Actor's Studio

By darthmilfious - 31/03/2010 07:56 - France

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was making a list of things to do tomorrow while faking an orgasm when I realize my boyfriend had finished about two minutes ago. He's pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 637

You deserved it 68 826

By Nicholas Laughton - 16/06/2017 14:00

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 475

You deserved it 764

By wtf - 16/05/2014 22:25 - Australia - Narangba

Spicy

Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 491

You deserved it 14 917

By Anonymous - 25/09/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 069

You deserved it 2 802

By mark - 06/06/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 726

You deserved it 2 576

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 5 600

By Anonymous - 08/10/2015 02:31 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 556

You deserved it 2 274

By CaseyFpC85 - 11/09/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 194

You deserved it 7 904

By Ugh - 27/02/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 418

You deserved it 7 719

Great work, son

By firestar772 - 12/06/2013 06:21 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 739

You deserved it 5 452

Gotcha good

By fuck you, dad - 08/02/2014 20:54 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 781

You deserved it 18 612

By christian9294 - 08/02/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 894

You deserved it 55 554

By The Dishwasher - 07/06/2017 15:00 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 636

You deserved it 1 081

By catlover - 13/12/2012 11:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 193

You deserved it 32 226

By dana - 16/12/2013 22:43 - United States - Montrose

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 272

You deserved it 11 859

By shelookslikemiley - 23/09/2014 12:48 - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 039

You deserved it 19 743

By ohemgee23 - 19/02/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, my little sister walked in on me and my boyfriend. I told her I would give her 10$ if she just pretended it never happened. She agreed, walked out and shut the door. Later, when my parents arrived, she yells: "Nicole and Joe were naked upstairs!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 490

You deserved it 20 703

By locked out - 27/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 774

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 14/02/2014 01:31 - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 920

You deserved it 7 230

By DatAss - 15/01/2016 10:56

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 939

You deserved it 2 449

By immovingout - 04/05/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 067

You deserved it 4 728

HealthCare for all

By oopsbaby - 11/03/2020 18:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend stopped getting her birth control weeks ago so she could afford a new Nintendo Switch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 646

You deserved it 302

By Rachael - 01/07/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 000

You deserved it 2 898

By nerdygirl101 - 13/03/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 595

You deserved it 4 286

By shwasted - 22/02/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 473

You deserved it 3 762

By AzrielB - 18/10/2018 15:30

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 469

By notmyday - 25/02/2009 23:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 921

You deserved it 8 928

By hornyloser - 02/05/2011 18:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 855

You deserved it 70 134

By Randiluck - 30/11/2012 01:00 - Canada

Today, I met up with a few old friends for some wine and munchies. The main topics of conversation were colonoscopies, lactose intolerance and specific symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. I'm sleeping over at one of their houses. Only 20 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 015

You deserved it 2 687

By GingerJ - 02/01/2012 01:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 956

You deserved it 8 340

By Fangirl#1 - 29/10/2018 22:10

Today, students were permitted to wear costumes at my school, but only about half of us did. In 4th period a guy asked me, "What are you supposed to be?" I wasn’t wearing a costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 452

You deserved it 305

By disappointedjamaican - 31/08/2014 18:44 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 725

You deserved it 4 334

By BigLove - 05/02/2014 02:25 - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 412

You deserved it 5 285

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 04:55 - United States

Today, my dad taught me how to swim. I had to keep doing a lot of strange movements to keep my body floating. While doing that, two 8-year-old girls came and asked me if i needed help getting out of the water. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 597

You deserved it 8 616

By Nikki - 15/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 163

You deserved it 6 695

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Top comments

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:00

He's lovin' it.

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:02

Sweet promises? What, like "I promise it'll be over soon, you just look so tasty I could eat you up."

Comments

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:00

He's lovin' it.

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:20

Just wait 'til he takes it to bed

jellybeens_fml 16

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Monday 11 August 2014 13:04

Customer be like "I can eat you all day"

cryssycakesx3 22

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Monday 11 August 2014 16:35

gettin' that big Mac special sauce...

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Monday 11 August 2014 17:08

I want to know if he named it Patty and sang a catchy musical number to it.

kyu_Q 19

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Monday 11 August 2014 20:19

pada pa pa paaaa

Brandi_Faith 33

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Monday 11 August 2014 21:47

I can just picture him whispering "I shall call you squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my squishy."

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Monday 11 August 2014 23:08

#44 that was the first thing that came to mind after reading this! :)

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Tuesday 12 August 2014 4:15

He wanted it his way

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:01

Somebody needs help

tanekdrachonae 19

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Monday 11 August 2014 13:36

Shhh, just be quiet and let it happen. I promise you'll like it.

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Tuesday 12 August 2014 1:25

I'd have passed by and "mistakenly" stuck a toothpick in the burger. Or mistakenly thrown a knife at it. Homicide!

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Tuesday 12 August 2014 12:21

Shame on you for wanting to crush a good relationship between man and burger.

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Wednesday 13 August 2014 5:15

Nah, seems like he had the situation under control.

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:02

Someone forgot to take their meds ...or took the wrong one

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 11 August 2014 16:55

...or doesn't have any. yet.

silvercamaro 22

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Monday 11 August 2014 17:11

Or he just has an intense love for burgers, I know I do.

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Tuesday 12 August 2014 0:56

or he probably forgot about pizza and ramen...

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:02

Sweet promises? What, like "I promise it'll be over soon, you just look so tasty I could eat you up."

Send a private message

Monday 11 August 2014 12:50

I swear you're going to a better place!

markcallanan_ 20

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:03

Oh god, run for it while you still can.

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Monday 11 August 2014 19:39

Run for the burger? No way. He's having a romantic date with it.

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:03

the love between a man and his food is special.

crazytwinsmom 25

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Monday 11 August 2014 16:34

Cheeseburger in paradise

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:04

OP just be careful where you pet it, it might not like to be touched there ;)

BreathingClover 19

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Monday 11 August 2014 18:42

sounds delicious

jsp16 24

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:06

Any cheesy quotes made to the burger?

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Tuesday 12 August 2014 1:30

Burger lover: Lettuce run away together! You mayo may not want to but we were made for each other. I want to ketchup with your heart.... OK I'm done now.

PiinkVanilla 15

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:06

He's gonna be the one laughing when one of those things comes alive and enslaves the human race and he is the only one spared because of his loyalty.

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Monday 11 August 2014 12:09

I've heard of food sex but this is ridiculous.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 170

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 744