Money: Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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Instadrama

There's no helping some people

Don't do favors for strangers

By nicklesg - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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By semi-depressed - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

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By pimdala_major - United States

Today, I found a small bottle of chocolate milk in the fridge from McDonald's. I've been living with my grandparents while going to college and figuring they'd never drink it themselves, I took a sip. It had expired two years ago. FML

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By nomail - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Control freak

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

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By buttcrack - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By Devon - United States

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 14:00

Scarred

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By manhood fading away - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

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By ehcanadianeh - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

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By yeah why not - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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By Lisa - 24/4/2020 05:00

Confinement must be great

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

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By Shnur - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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By Yuuucky - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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By ugh - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

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By benji - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rohnert Park

Almost there

Today, I took a very expensive flight to New York City for a job interview. I waited in my hotel room all day for the phone call to go to my once in a lifetime interview. By noon, I was nervous; eight, I was pissed. Around ten, I realized my phone was still in airplane mode. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife slapped me for touching her boobs during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

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By HeatedHeat - 29/3/2021 11:00

Erm, thanks, I guess

Today, I went to a store to buy a 43-inch TV that was on sale. The sale was so good that they sold out on the floor. I went to guest services and asked the employee if they had any in the back. She literally went to the back of the room, let out this god awful fart, came back out and said, “Sorry, we don’t.” FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Unmatched

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By omgwhyme - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

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By looz - France

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

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By epiiphany - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

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By legotron - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

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By noosher0990

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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By what sex life? - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML

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By friendlessatwork - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I got a coworker at my new job in trouble, because he kept harassing me and asking me out, even after I clearly told him I wasn't interested. Turns out he's very popular around here, and everyone now hates me for being a trouble-maker and not "taking a compliment." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Huddinge

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By well then - United States - Forest Park

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

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Top comments

By Kuroftw | 0

#260534 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:05

Your family are assholes.

By Raceta | 5

#260519 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:02

You should have climbed out of the bathroom window and bailed :) hehe.

COMMENTS

By Raceta | 5

#260519 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:02

You should have climbed out of the bathroom window and bailed :) hehe.

Reply

HackerD00d | 0

#1168202 - Saturday 31 July 2010 21:34

i agree, shulda just bailed and ran for it!!! i dont see wut else u could possibly do :|

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1492064 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

akeller3298 | 1

#2619825 - Saturday 4 June 2011 21:11

#331 - It's relevant because steak is quite expensive .

Reply

ahti546 | 11

#2716434 - Sunday 19 June 2011 17:14

#331- fail

By a_lamp | 0

#260522 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:03

what a nice family you have...
ahaha you truely must feel loved by them

By curlyqt | 0

#260533 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:04

That sucks ur parents must hate u

Reply

WillDaBeast83 | 0

#3080680 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 21:20

Maybe if he had graduated high school the first time he wouldn't have this problem.

By Kuroftw | 0

#260534 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:05

Your family are assholes.

By ilikeboys | 0

#260549 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:08

wow. that sucks. i'm sorry

By CLINTRONxD | 0

#260552 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:09

Well, congrats on gettin your GED atleast. It's funny, te first thing you get out of high school is debt.

By alokg95 | 0

#260554 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:09

Haha sucks for you

By oldmickeyd | 0

#260555 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:09

Happy graduation

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#260556 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:09

Well, that's what you get for a GED. If you had actually managed to pass high school, maybe you would have gotten more.

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#6010494 - Thursday 17 July 2014 7:08

Shut up

Reply

sylvienoir | 18

#6401681 - Friday 4 September 2015 5:11

Sometimes people don't have any other choice for any number of reasons. It doesn't really matter unless you want to get into Harvard.

By gaby904 | 0

#260557 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 16:10

I agree with #1, you should've totally bailed..