Miscellaneous: Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man...

By fugly - United States - Landenberg

Today, as I was putting stuff into the back of my car, a man walked by and said I looked "super fine." When I looked up to look him in the face, he immediately looked disgusted and basically ran away. Apparently, my face does that. FML

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Miscellaneous

Misheard

Cake is everything

Some winners…

By rimjob - United States

Today, my dog barked for 30 minutes with me yelling for him to shut up. Guess that's how long it takes someone to steal the rims from my truck. Good dog. FML

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By pooperscooper - Australia - Hunters Hill

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

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By Michael - Australia

Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wheatland

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

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By dev - United States

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

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By Quiteannoyed - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I found my mom throwing my very expensive and important medication down the toilet. She thought I was doing drugs. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By jen - United States

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 20:00

More issues than Vogue

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

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By eleonor - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

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By hdgyfjdzdfg - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

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By bird problems - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By Bacon0426 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

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By amazinghermit - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By butch - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I needed to buy a new helmet. When I got to the sport shop, there was only one left in my size and preferred color. 30 minutes after buying it, my head starts itching. Turns out I paid $40 for lice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML

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By Devotedmom - Belgium - Li?ge

Today, I got up at 5 am to bake a surprise birthday cake for my 16-year-old son. I put the cake on the table and went to call my son. "Surprise!" When I came back 30 seconds later, the cake was all gone and the dog was licking his lips. My son won't even believe I made a cake. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

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By apparently inexperienced - United States - Brockton

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

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By CrazedGunMan - 2/9/2020 19:01 - Panama - Panama

Go anyway, see the sights

Today, I could finally get a plane ticket to go see the girl I have been talking to for the past 5 months. Just as I told her the exciting news, she told me that she was no longer interested in me. Guess that's 800 dollars down the toilet. FML

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By salope - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

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By maharaja

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By Kiimmy - United States

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

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By crackie - Korea, Republic of

Today, my job as a supervisor has become increasingly ridiculous because one employee doesn't want to do the tasks I give her. My supervisor tells me to keep working with her and giving her work. When she goes directly to him, he tells her she doesn't have to do them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started doodling a big muscly arm on my notepad, including bulging veins. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into his office. Apparently the mail clerk saw and was offended. I was asked to explain why I was drawing a person's 'private area'. FML

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Top comments

By WavRace | 14

#6312340 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:20

Or maybe intimidation, if I said something like behind a woman's back and she turned around me, I'd be on the other side of town real fast.

By IndicaPaincakes | 28

#6312329 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:18

What a jerk! I'm sorry that happened, just ignore things like that. :(

COMMENTS

By IndicaPaincakes | 28

#6312329 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:18

What a jerk! I'm sorry that happened, just ignore things like that. :(

By Marshmallowjello | 22

#6312331 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:18

Maybe he was just too nervous to speak to you?

mmmxr | 11

#6312514 - Saturday 6 June 2015 19:47

If he was nervous he wouldn't of said "super fine" in the first place. He sounds like a player not a shy guy.

By superwh00 | 10

#6312332 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:18

Sorry OP! He wasn't worth your time anyways

By Pleonasm | 34

#6312333 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:19

Maybe it's just your breath, like in that episode "Something Smells" of Spongebob.

IndicaPaincakes | 28

#6312344 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:23

"Once there was an ugly barnacle. he was so ugly that everyone died."

Pleonasm | 34

#6312345 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:24

"DEUUEAUGH"

nana_star | 27

#6312380 - Saturday 6 June 2015 17:14

Be ugly and PROUD!

By Markovski | 18

#6312334 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:19

He can go fuck himself. Ignore that OP.

By The_Avatar | 22

#6312335 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:19

Probably just caught sight of his own reflection! Haha come on im sure your face is awesome!

By windyal0115 | 15

#6312339 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:20

Every person has their own definition of what beauty is.

By WavRace | 14

#6312340 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:20

Or maybe intimidation, if I said something like behind a woman's back and she turned around me, I'd be on the other side of town real fast.

By bluebell707 | 13

#6312341 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:21

That audacity.

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6312342 - Saturday 6 June 2015 16:21

Bet ur dad was walking about behind u and he ran because he was frightened of your dad

BergerL | 13

#6312403 - Saturday 6 June 2015 18:03

You have a strong imagination

cheeeksss | 29

#6313148 - Sunday 7 June 2015 9:34

Totally irrelevant, but I've always wondered how people have managed to switch between "ur" and "your" in the same sentence. I thought if one doesn't like spelling out the whole word, they would be consistent with "ur" ...idk sorry my side OCD is talking.