Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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Constant flow

Bye then!

Two states of matter

By stpddog - United States

Today, while trying to get my attention, my dog got her nail stuck in a usb port in my laptop. She freaked out and ran off, dragging it off my lap and through the house before if came off. Her nail was only slightly chipped- my laptop now has a cracked screen. FML

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By ihateithere

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By Bamamomma01 - United States

Today, I went to get my midterm essay grade thinking I couldn't have made lower than a B. Got to class and my douchebag professor gave me an F. He wrote "Best essay I read, would've been an A if it was the right topic." I wrote on the Industrial Revolution, instead of the Scientific Revolution. FML

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By Ugh - United States - Washington

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I've just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents' place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML

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By StephiLynn - United States - Hibbing

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

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By leeceetaylor99 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

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By Kylie - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By Creeped_out_n_stuck - United States

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

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By Bellagirl - United States

Sex talk

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was walking the boardwalk when I felt a strange sensation between my legs as I sneezed. My tampon shot out like a cork and rolled to the side of my granny panties. I had to waddle like Yosemite Sam to the nearest potty. I was on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend's female best friend that they have been dating for the last month. This was the week of our one year anniversary, and my birthday. We just moved into a duplex with my name on the lease. FML

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By fuck you, kid - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

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By madib33 - United States

Today, after much debate I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 20:58 - Philippines

Life imitates art

Today, my hypochondria is getting worse. I think it's because of watching too much Grey's Anatomy. FML

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By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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By fatass - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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By GOT not for me - 15/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

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By MrMagicMan000 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By shook - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

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By DumbFish

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By disgruntled

Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML

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By owmyhead - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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By laxguy23 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

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By pranksonpranks - 14/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Dicks aplenty!

Today, my sister and I have been in a prank war. She spammed my phone with dozens of random dick pics from the internet. My boyfriend saw and accused me of cheating. Now he won’t talk to me, and my sister won’t help me explain things. Guess she won. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By pissedoffexgirlfriend

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

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By Girl - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

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By KDM - Australia

Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML

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By anotherdayfml - 4/3/2020 21:00

Strong incel vibes

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was "So does yours." FML

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By clop clop clopping all the way - United States

Today, a guy's car broke down in my street, so I helped him push it into my driveway, checked his car out, and gave it a jump start. He thanked me, then as he went to pull out, he instead smashed straight into my car. FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7802145 - Sunday 12 May 2019 2:33

You make bad decisions.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7802158 - Sunday 12 May 2019 4:18

You will sit her down instead?

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7802145 - Sunday 12 May 2019 2:33

You make bad decisions.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7802152 - Sunday 12 May 2019 3:36

Life hack: Hooking up with his dad is pretty much the next best thing.

By STFU01 | 14

#7802154 - Sunday 12 May 2019 3:55

Call me, I won't stand you up.

Reply

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7802158 - Sunday 12 May 2019 4:18

You will sit her down instead?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7802231 - Sunday 12 May 2019 10:52

You snooze you loose

By bobsanction | 16

#7802876 - Tuesday 14 May 2019 14:34

Melissa? Is that you?