Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught...

By rUs7up1d - 8/4/2015 14:43 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML

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Transportation

Thanks, I'm cured!

Clocked

Basic Instinct

By IamHM - 24/10/2015 18:04 - United States

Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries, and got to the cashier only to find I had forgotten my wallet. I tried to explain but got the nastiest stank-eye from the cashier, the manager and everyone in line behind me. I walked 2 miles home, hungry and embarrassed. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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By nothealthy - 29/3/2016 04:51 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

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By Lifeless - 1/6/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - 28/8/2014 10:31 - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - 12/11/2014 03:16 - United States - Spotswood

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

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By Bitch its me - 17/1/2009 11:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 06:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

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By Confuseddad - 16/2/2016 22:17 - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By wtf fml - 20/3/2018 17:30 - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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By cc10 - 19/10/2009 11:50 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

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By stairmaster - 5/4/2011 07:47

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By Rolax - 6/11/2008 09:38 - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

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By Baustigt - 6/8/2014 13:34 - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

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By Buzz - 29/11/2008 16:11 - France

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By jcesom - 1/8/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By kdeeeceee - 9/11/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML

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By lostmyfaithinblowjobs - 12/1/2013 02:16 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, during an hour-long drive, my sister told me she's lost her "faith in humanity", because one of her friends bought his 8-year-old son an iPad. She uses this stupid expression all the time, and I got so pissed off that I forgot to brake at a red light, rear-ending the car in front of us. FML

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By TaffyMichele - 13/9/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 17:44 - United Kingdom - Saint Leonards

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

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By Blah - 10/10/2019 06:01

Unloveable

Today, it was my second day of house-sitting. I was so out of my mind from not seeing people that I invited a bunch of friends over for dinner. I said I would pay for pizza and we could all hang out in the house. Even with an unsupervised house and free food, no one showed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2009 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

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By torny>horny - 10/4/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By blehhh - 4/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I went to see my gynecologist. She was writing my symptoms up in my chart on her computer. After a little while, I noticed that she had a confused look on her face and was reading something instead. When I took a peek at the computer screen, I saw that she was Googling my symptoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 11:52 - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 18:01 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

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By Traffickills - 22/4/2016 00:30 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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By HYRTE - 6/9/2017 04:30

Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML

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By awesomekidsmum - 18/9/2011 01:20 - Canada

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

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By zarko - 14/2/2017 14:00 - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

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By grossed out mom - 8/7/2015 13:29 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, when I visited my daughter's apartment that she moved into about 3 months ago, I found out that she buys new underwear every time she runs out instead of washing her dirty ones. Her dirty ones have their own special hamper. FML

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By gRRRrr - 1/4/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

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By worksux - 5/1/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By skitzobiatch69 - 13/9/2011 17:07 - Australia

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 10:17 - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By scared and alone - 13/3/2015 18:47 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML

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By BassGuy - 18/5/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

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By kaitylait - 19/8/2011 00:59 - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

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By peachass - 29/12/2016 04:59 - Australia - Melbourne

Today at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

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Top comments

By BI4ze | 17

#6256892 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:12

Surely that is excuse enough to be given a second chance...

By biasedshooter | 24

#6256893 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:12

Professors usually are understanding when things like that happen and let you have other exams count for double

COMMENTS

By xXCIPHERXx | 8

#6256885 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:11

YDI

AnyaS | 19

#6256895 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:13

There's a button for that.

By BI4ze | 17

#6256892 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:12

Surely that is excuse enough to be given a second chance...

slingerslasher | 24

#6257002 - Thursday 9 April 2015 1:11

Plot twist: professor also wanted to make sweet love to the taxi. He fails OP out of jealousy.

By biasedshooter | 24

#6256893 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:12

Professors usually are understanding when things like that happen and let you have other exams count for double

Shadowvoid | 33

#6257161 - Thursday 9 April 2015 4:10

What professors do you have? I had to go to two separate funerals and brought one of the information pamphlets as proof. Not a single day was excused

Kramer1998 | 20

#6257196 - Thursday 9 April 2015 5:03

Humans most likely, my school will give you exemptions on shit like that, like In the case of a kid this year, had to go to spain for his moms funeral missed a week of school, had no makeup work

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6257336 - Thursday 9 April 2015 8:25

#38 that's a little retarded, he needs to catch up on the work for the tests, so I think that school needs to reevaluate their system.
It's also normal to need evidence, in case you're just bunking off.

By venomousflower | 24

#6256897 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:13

If you explain to the professor what happened, you should be able to make it up

By CoGhostRider | 31

#6256898 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:14

I wonder if the taxi will have a fiat?

LittleRed79 | 39

#6257137 - Thursday 9 April 2015 3:44

Don't you know that this is actually how minivans are made?

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6256899 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:15

Those crazy bus drivers .
Hopefully your prof. allowed you to write it afterwards .

Octwo | 16

#6256959 - Thursday 9 April 2015 0:43

I'm more inclined to assume the taxi was at fault, I'm constantly amazed most taxi drivers here still have licenses. But hell, probably different where the OP lives.