Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I am completely mortified. At my father-in-law's funeral, my husband put a bottle of beer on the coffin and announced to the room his dad was such a tight-fisted sod, it was the first drink he’d ever had on him. FML
Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML
Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
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Top comments
Dre27 20
What's that old saying, honestly is the best policy
annie_nk 23
Yeah because you totally did that on purpose. Shame on you for being born.
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Comments (116)
nanjiii_fml 26
Lmao!!! best ever!!!
awilliams44 9
ow. that's why having kids scares me haha
israelnotjacob 20
Because you don't have the common sense to not drink excessively around your kids? Or do you mean ****** damage? Either way you sound like an idiot.
Xotoolyxo 16
The truth comes out when you're drunk
unhappycamperuk 12
am I the only person calculating how many beers I think I'd need before that sort of comment would fall out of my mouth?
casste 6
Having children doesn't make you loose... The mother can do kegel exercises if she feels that she is, but it's not like she has her ****** the size of a baby's head.
poisongirl708 11
I would have said "yeah but you should have just asked for some head asshole. So who's to blame now for sticking it in?"
chosha_fml 27
Oh, snap!! Perfect reply. :)
JohnTheLad 13
That is when you proceed to hold his favorite can of beer in-front of him and say "I'll never forgive you for what you do to my father."
jmann8811 15
Talk about a low blow
Ziggy122 15
Well, wouldn't that be his fault?