Miscellaneous: Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 06:38 - Australia - Boondall

Spicy

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 107

You deserved it 6 205

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Same thing different taste

He's still got it

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 00:01

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 699

You deserved it 141

By fuck you, dad - 27/09/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 691

You deserved it 6 306

By nick - 06/03/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 433

You deserved it 3 813

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 23/08/2019 14:00

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 135

By Anonymous - 21/03/2014 22:35 - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 882

You deserved it 6 743

By Anonymous - 23/04/2012 05:50 - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 140

You deserved it 2 100

By idontevencareanymore - 23/05/2014 21:25 - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 183

You deserved it 4 681

Roll with it

By jonasister - 15/04/2012 18:43 - Sweden - Lund

Spicy

Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 338

You deserved it 3 331

By Anonymous - 15/05/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 729

You deserved it 2 377

Dad jokes!

By Chels - 11/05/2011 05:17 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 457

You deserved it 5 315

Next

Top comments

Dre27 20

Sunday 12 January 2014 12:21

What's that old saying, honestly is the best policy

annie_nk 22

Sunday 12 January 2014 12:23

Yeah because you totally did that on purpose. Shame on you for being born.

Comments

AustinDenton 22

Sunday 12 January 2014 14:12

That is awesome! That is probably the best FML I have ever read.

rockhead1270 5

Sunday 12 January 2014 14:16

That's funny shit right there. #Burn

ThatFancyPenn 18

Sunday 12 January 2014 20:05

#whyareyouhashtaggingonfml

MidnaLink 33

Sunday 12 January 2014 20:41

Better yet, why hashtag period?

chosha_fml 26

Sunday 12 January 2014 14:20

He put you there.

ahsanmasood 4

Sunday 12 January 2014 14:23

oh honey, he was drunk, cut the poor guy some slack!

dawood_k 27

Sunday 12 January 2014 14:25

Are you the kid that has such a big head, that your passport can't close. Damn you wrecked momma!

PattonGilette2 18

Sunday 12 January 2014 15:08

aa

Dark_Stream 29

Sunday 12 January 2014 15:13

I know exactly what the dad means, although I would never suggest it was my step-son's fault. He will have marks on his forehead from the forceps all his life. If anyone is to blame, it is the doctor who waited too long to do a caesarian section and did the tear repair job.

perdix 29

Sunday 12 January 2014 15:45

Tell him if he wants a nice tight hole, he can always try anal. Of course, your mum won't appreciate how you've contributed to ruining both her holes down under.

emily_in_reverse 6

Sunday 12 January 2014 16:21

and who's fault is it that he was born? cx

Ksweety_fml 27

Sunday 12 January 2014 17:52

You must have a big head.

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The Top

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 940

You deserved it 46 021

Today, I brought my daughter to work with me. When we walked in, a client was blowing up at my boss, all because as my boss was walking past his storage unit, he glanced in and was about to compliment how neat it was. After my boss left, I had to deal with the aftermath, which left my daughter terrified of this man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 337

You deserved it 86

The Top

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 134

You deserved it 2 004

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 473

You deserved it 3 221

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 804

You deserved it 3 302

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 226

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 629

You deserved it 164

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 807

You deserved it 15 423