Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I am completely mortified. At my father-in-law's funeral, my husband put a bottle of beer on the coffin and announced to the room his dad was such a tight-fisted sod, it was the first drink he’d ever had on him. FML
Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML
Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
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Top comments
Dre27 20
What's that old saying, honestly is the best policy
annie_nk 23
Yeah because you totally did that on purpose. Shame on you for being born.
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Comments (116)
AustinDenton 22
That is awesome! That is probably the best FML I have ever read.
rockhead1270 5
That's funny shit right there. #Burn
ThatFancyPenn 18
#whyareyouhashtaggingonfml
MidnaLink 35
Better yet, why hashtag period?
chosha_fml 27
He put you there.
ahsanmasood 4
oh honey, he was drunk, cut the poor guy some slack!
dawood_k 27
Are you the kid that has such a big head, that your passport can't close. Damn you wrecked momma!
PattonGilette2 18
aa
Dark_Stream 29
I know exactly what the dad means, although I would never suggest it was my step-son's fault. He will have marks on his forehead from the forceps all his life. If anyone is to blame, it is the doctor who waited too long to do a caesarian section and did the tear repair job.
perdix 31
Tell him if he wants a nice tight hole, he can always try anal. Of course, your mum won't appreciate how you've contributed to ruining both her holes down under.
emily_in_reverse 6
and who's fault is it that he was born? cx
Ksweety_fml 27
You must have a big head.