Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I am completely mortified. At my father-in-law's funeral, my husband put a bottle of beer on the coffin and announced to the room his dad was such a tight-fisted sod, it was the first drink he’d ever had on him. FML
Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML
Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
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Top comments
Dre27 20
What's that old saying, honestly is the best policy
annie_nk 23
Yeah because you totally did that on purpose. Shame on you for being born.
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Comments (116)
shaytards_fml 9
I like honest people
Obacooba 14
Wait what would he rather, a child or more pleasure
KingreX32 21
pleasure who wants kids?
shaytards_fml 9
a child. not one, eight
JMichael 26
Should of came back and said "well you're the dumbass that knocked her up."
Wizardo 34
"And mom has never forgiven for what you never done to her ******..."
little_one1 14
Well OP's dad obviously did SOMETHING to it. Otherwise OP would not be able to give us this FML to enjoy.
RaptorMARAUDER 9
You should've told him he started it.
TheImaginarySong 16
I love the stuff people say when they're drunk. Tell him it was his fault OP.
worldclassrager 41
The natural birth is normal...I take it we would have preferred you to be a centurion section...
Spark_Slicker 19
A Centurion was an officer in the Roman army. I believe the word you're looking for is Cesarean.
d4m4s74 12
Who was a Roman emperor
WellThatSucked89 13
He was called... "the last centurion" :)
worldclassrager 41
Damn autocorrect...
xxshukakuxx 9
You could've just said C-section. That's a valid medical term to use.
Harpy20 24
But then he probably would have never learned that it's cesarean and not centurion.
ZY1431 24
well I hope he knows he truly to blame
Epikouros 32
Plot twist: he wasn't talking about you being born.
DorklyComicFan 8
Touché.
aut5413 10
It isn't your fault that your dad didn't know how to pull out
saidoh_fml 26
Yes, because pulling out is the way to go.