Intimacy: Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being...

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 07:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 237

You deserved it 7 084

Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Age difference

Don't look back

By jsyn - 09/11/2013 23:27 - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 026

You deserved it 11 938

By AshleyP - 04/04/2014 14:17 - United Kingdom

Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark only to discover it was poo. After further investigation, I find out my younger sister had been wearing them and 'experimenting'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 251

You deserved it 4 516

By Anonymous - 15/06/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 575

You deserved it 7 303

By HoobidibooFox - 13/11/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom - Coseley

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 500

You deserved it 6 388

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 16:59

Today, my mom asked me what I did with the first paycheck from my first "big girl" job. I told her I paid down my credit debt like a responsible adult. She rolled her eyes and said she was disappointed in me for not treating myself. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 377

You deserved it 78

By Username - 19/05/2011 15:13

Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 961

You deserved it 80 478

By Mary - 30/07/2017 05:00

Today, my officemate used the telephone beside my desk again. I still can't think of a better way to tell him how awful bad his breath is without the having to do it personally. We've been workmates for a year now and he still hasn't gotten a clue, despite of me covering my nose every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 629

You deserved it 567

By Anonymous - 01/10/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I invited over 30 people to come to the park with me since the day was nice and cool. I sat there for three hours by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 321

You deserved it 5 082

By honeynuggetviolin - 01/05/2013 00:31

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 865

You deserved it 5 718

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 946

You deserved it 140 103

By me - 10/11/2012 19:49 - United States - Bend

Today, my dad agreed to let me borrow the car to go rock climbing with my friends. He'd just filled it up with gas, which is how I realized halfway back home that one of my "friends" had siphoned well over half the gas straight out of the tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 791

You deserved it 2 233

By random - 08/06/2013 04:42 - United States - El Paso

Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 759

You deserved it 16 807

Whoops

By introublenow - 18/09/2015 12:22 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 937

You deserved it 33 244

By lumi - 24/06/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 118

You deserved it 5 489

Strange flex, but OK

By Jpah - 24/06/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 827

You deserved it 3 896

By whatjusthappened - 20/12/2013 08:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 093

You deserved it 4 904

By college will be fun they said - 15/09/2017 19:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 551

You deserved it 406

By Anonymous - 08/01/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 568

You deserved it 2 639

By Braceyourself - 25/09/2016 05:44 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I went in for an audition. Since my wrist had been in a brace all week, I felt I would be fine without it for one day because I didn't want it to be a distraction. I tripped in the middle of the dance routine and crashed on top of my injured wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 463

You deserved it 4 654

By Anonymous - 12/08/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 709

You deserved it 3 268

By Brastro - 07/04/2009 11:46 - Ireland

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 966

You deserved it 178 884

By baebookboo - 04/08/2014 15:08 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 4 474

By Username - 29/07/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 886

You deserved it 6 283

Sorry dude

By EatYourGreens - 21/08/2021 06:01 - Australia - Augustine Heights

Today, my four year-old very loudly asked me if the little person she saw at the shops was like that because he didn't eat his vegetables. He definitely heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 105

By nice one - 30/08/2012 15:24

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 957

You deserved it 2 979

Thanks for the help

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 14:00

Today, both my mom and I are very ill, while her boyfriend is perfectly fine. Somehow, this means that I’m the one having to take care of my mom, myself, the household and 6 pets, while he does nothing, goes on trips and leaves dirt all over the house when he’s here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 102

By oops - 19/04/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 142

You deserved it 4 504

By xtammyle - 19/02/2013 07:01 - Australia - Lower Plenty

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 526

You deserved it 4 490

Harsh

By notonasoccertam - 06/09/2020 10:09 - United States

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 187

By EvilMother - 14/09/2012 00:57 - United States - Hinsdale

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about gays, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grand kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 966

You deserved it 5 215

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 2 541

By sydstreet - 09/04/2012 05:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 617

You deserved it 5 667

By GshDrnt - 21/04/2011 02:57 - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 097

You deserved it 6 577

By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 021

You deserved it 1 947

Moving day, grandma

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 14:05 - United States

Today, after my daughter fell in love with a city I didn't want to move to and I caved to make her happy, after a year of which she got engaged at the age of 18 and moved with her fiancé back to his hometown not far from where we moved from, she called to tell me she's pregnant and my first grandchild will be hundreds of miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 447

By EKG - 11/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 653

You deserved it 2 582

Bad timing, dude

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 07:59 - Australia

Today, in the middle of asking my girlfriend to marry me, I sneezed so hard that I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 116

Beat It

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 168

Running commentary

By lukey101 - 25/06/2020 17:02

Today, the Snapchat that I was taking of my car being washed, including my commentary like, "Oooh yeah, get into it baby," was replayed loudly through my car via Bluetooth while the workers were inside and all around washing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 1 828

By hiccups - 03/11/2012 15:52 - United States - New York

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 838

You deserved it 3 633

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Top comments

myoukei 31

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:56

Her: "I'll make you scream baby .... That was not what i intended"

Jowisee 29

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:53

Well that'll get her in the mood.

Jowisee 29

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:53

Well that'll get her in the mood.

pajamajeans 18

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:55

That's how you seduce 'em

myoukei 31

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:56

Her: "I'll make you scream baby .... That was not what i intended"

MandieL 27

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:56

I'm sorry OP that sounds horrible. I will admit I chuckled a little bit though :/ I hope your girlfriend was able to kiss it better ;)

hellnosucka 27

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 21:58

showing her your sensitive side already?

Badkarma4u 17

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

iiTzNeeNerz 26

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:14

Sorry to disappoint you, but him accidentally sitting on his own testicles is not a valid reason to confiscate his man card.

chuchusheep 19

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:51

actually what i got from this post is it seems like he's got some decent sized balls and that entitles him to his man card.

MrSassypants 32

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:51

That's idiotic that you think getting hurt in one of the most sensitive body parts, that can be easily hurt by literally anything, is reason to take away his man card. Also, I never got the phrase "turn in your man card." Is is a card that just says "man" on it? Does my driver's license count? Why would I have to turn in my license? If my driver's license doesn't count, do I have to pay a membership to receive one? I never got one. If I pay membership and decide to cancel, do I become a woman? And if I do, do I become a pretty woman? All these questions are important to me. TL;DR? Getting hit in the balls hurt, and bunch of rackety nonsense.

onlychildFTW 33

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 23:43

To sit on his own balls they must be pretty big low hangers. I'd say that's manly. Better then having small balls that are always high and never hang low.

ashqualls 9

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Wednesday 26 August 2015 11:34

I don't really understand the appeal of low hanging balls but maybe that's just me

dwkarate 8

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Wednesday 26 August 2015 15:14

you try sitting on your balls and see what you do.

Badkarma4u 17

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Wednesday 26 August 2015 22:22

Being a man, I can attest, sitting on your balls happens. Yes its uncomfortable, most men quickly adust their position move on and don't start crying. I guarantee it's happened in right in front of you and you had no idea. Its a common occurrence. We just don't talk about it.

Feklfekl2222 32

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:03

Well, if I was her I would be offering to kiss it better

pjsr 32

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 23:19

Marry me!

trellz17 19

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:04

I understand how you feel OP, I'd cry too. Testicular pain is one of the most painful things a man can feel.

Vintage_Cola 29

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Wednesday 26 August 2015 0:01

I think that IS the worst pain a man can feel. Luckily, I haven't had the misfortune to be involuntarily castrated. :P

lexos 16

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Wednesday 26 August 2015 10:13

#37 I had a motorcycle accident a few years ago in which I almost lost a part of my finger luckily the doctor managed to save it. The next day the had to remove the bandage to put on a clean one but the bandage was stuck on my dried up blood. If I had to choose to get kicked in the nuts or experience that again I would rather get kicked in the nuts.

BoxFullOfLazy 25

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:07

I don't get this. I've experienced my fair share of nut shots and never have I not been able to shrug it off and go on with what I'm doing. Either I'm manly as fuck with a high pain tolerance, or everyone who complains about it is a wimp.

UH60 26

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 23:52

lol wow

H4IL2TH3V 8

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 23:53

your name says it all... your too lazy to do anything that could involve them being hurt! lol teasing you of course

nonsensical 26

Wednesday 26 August 2015 0:47

#9 Or maybe your balls are just really small.

Badkarma4u 17

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Wednesday 26 August 2015 22:31

Its a mind thing, some people have convinced themseves getting hit in the groin is the be all and and all of pain. Yes it hurts, but they exagerate the effect in TV and movies. .

yukahnn 10

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Friday 4 September 2015 21:16

for me its not bad but the after pain is what sucks it feels like a hardcore throbbing

brycemash 9

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:10

Is anyone wondering how the hell do you sit on your balls? Never has happened to me...

christge1beast 17

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:29

It does happen on occasion and I have no explanation, but I have experienced it. A few times too.

chuchusheep 19

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 22:52

answer: big balls. lol.

Keladrylady 24

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Tuesday 25 August 2015 23:31

Naw, doesn't have to have big balls, the sack just has to be relaxed or loose. And some guys just have long sacks and normal sized testicles. So they're likely to accidentally sit on their sack from time to time also.