Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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Transportation

Property law

Billy no-mates

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By thissinglelife - 6/9/2013 06:42 - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

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By notrocketscience - 7/5/2012 15:57 - United States - West Monroe

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By imalwaystired - 21/1/2010 20:20 - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2011 19:35 - United States

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - 20/6/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 21:40 - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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By BigMouth McRedface - 14/5/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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By TrappedInSchool - 28/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Moving on

Today, I saw yet another dear friend from uni get married, living the good life in their new home. Here am I in my 30s, with no love life, and feeling like that's never going to be for me. FML

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By grossuncle - 25/2/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 19:00

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - 18/5/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By superb12345 - 12/5/2016 02:50 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2019 20:00

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

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By gimmeasalad - 21/4/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

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By GreatBlakWarior - 7/9/2020 08:03 - South Africa - Pretoria

Serious times

Today, after several unsuccessful job interviews, I'm starting to feel emotionally down as both my mum and myself are out of work due to Covid. I even applied as a call centre agent with a friend that offered training. He got accepted and I didn't. FML

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By Dandy - 23/12/2016 17:25

Today, after having given up video games for two weeks to focus on school, I finished my last exam of the semester and finally became free. I got home to find that Steam is down worldwide. I just received an email saying every game on my wish list is on sale, but I can't log in. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 23:36 - United States - San Antonio

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By NaKreen - 30/7/2012 22:21 - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

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By cookiecrust - 7/12/2009 14:44 - Singapore

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi. I've been using it for a week now. The chocolate drops I ate yesterday are also hers. Tammi is our pet Chihuahua. FML

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By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Alexandra - 20/9/2011 08:25 - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

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By fattymcbutterpants - 19/6/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

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By nolinguist - 22/11/2009 17:39 - Austria

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

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By dJ21 - 15/12/2009 09:23 - Guam

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2016 09:21 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

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By daisyann - 15/7/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

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By imobesejk - 17/7/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 02:35 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I fell off my boyfriend's motorcycle. I had a few scrapes and bruises, and my boyfriend called for an ambulance as a precaution. The paramedics managed to drop me on my head. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - 9/6/2009 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

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By Soaked - 20/5/2010 15:20 - United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

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Top comments

By Zebidee | 8

#2158125 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:53

In Australia, crashing your car because of a spider is far from the weirdest thing in the world. Our house spiders (Google 'Huntsman spider') are about the size of your hand, and love to hide under sunvisors or in car bodywork. Their natural defence mechanism is to run up the nearest tree to hide, which in the case of one that falls in your lap at 100 km/h, means it's going straight up your face, or maybe inside your shirt. Oh, and they also have a 'cling reflex' which makes them hard to shake off.

Keeping calm while that happens is a pretty big test of your Zen skills.

By dragonaair | 5

#2158404 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

A fear of spiders is more rational and irrational. Spiders are poisonous and creepy. An irrational fear is like a fear of showering, for example.

COMMENTS

By thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#2157779 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:22

Another spider one. How original. lol

JonaDona | 2

#2158702 - Monday 7 March 2011 14:06

yeah i almost believed it, but then i saw op is a girl...so she is just blaming a poor spider for her less than poor driving skills

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#2158904 - Monday 7 March 2011 15:28

I compleately believe it! This happened to my
mom.. lucky enough the guy she hit wasn't a total ass and there was no damage... why the hell did the OP have to call the police though??

lovelyllama3 | 0

#2160172 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 1:06

OP may not have called the police. it could have been the person they hit. And this sounds like something that would happen to me. ugh

By afdude87 | 6

#2157786 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:25

swipe it away and keep driving. I would have laughed at you too.

By nanotide | 0

#2157791 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:26

I bet I can fin this exact same fml. how do they let these get posted? lame.

By brycereid | 0

#2157798 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:27

stupid how one of the first things you do after the cops show up is go on FML and post this

By Ryonix | 0

#2157834 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:35

ydi for having a bro

GreatGeak | 8

#2157854 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:38

wrong FML mate.
you wanted the one below.

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2157943 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:54

No I'm pretty sure he wanted this website...

BahahahLOL | 0

#2157998 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:16

YDI for being overweight

By kingtz | 6

#2157850 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:37

YDI for having an irrational fear...

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2158235 - Monday 7 March 2011 10:57

Some people really hate spiders. Everybody has imperfections. Don't hate, spiders are horrid, disgusting, and evil creatures. Sorry, but they are.

dragonaair | 5

#2158404 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

A fear of spiders is more rational and irrational. Spiders are poisonous and creepy. An irrational fear is like a fear of showering, for example.

dragonaair | 5

#2158445 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:28

than* not and.

docscientist | 9

#2158578 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:23

No, it's more irrational as most spiders are not poisonous and will not aggressively bite you.

mfjkr | 10

#2159138 - Monday 7 March 2011 16:58

it's not irrational if your H2O intolerant.......*waves hands* BOOSH

swordyx | 5

#6526261 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 1:05

Oh since when did we need logic for fear?

And please squeezing out reasons to argue w him.. Fear is irrational and that's the way it is.

By quasispecies | 0

#2157856 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:38

if that happened to me but with cockroaches I'll probably end up in a car crash as well.

I_R_Genius | 3

#2158029 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:21

I eat cockroaches for snacks. They are so good with honey.

By perdix | 29

#2157862 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:39

F the other driver's L because he/she has to call the insurance company, get the damaged car towed to the body shop, rent a car and wait to get theirs back all because some dumb bitch couldn't control her vehicle because of the filth that accumulated in it.

My car is messy, but it's never been so disgusting that I get assaulted by insects (arachnids, really) that infested it.