Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was...

By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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Transportation

Understandable

Who's a good boy?

Compassion

By lauren - 21/6/2016 19:06 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

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By cgold - 30/4/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

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By blank - 21/1/2013 21:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

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By panickygrl - 6/11/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - 28/8/2014 10:31 - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2012 04:09 - United States - Aston

Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 15:58 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

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By pandapantsMD - 18/4/2015 03:12 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

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By ItHurtsLIkeHell - 1/3/2010 09:13 - Malaysia

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex - 26/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By NotASpiderMan - 11/10/2015 04:10 - United States - Seattle

Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML

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By sydsophnova - 2/7/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was on the roof of his house. I climbed the ladder but I am kind of scared of heights so when I got up there I just sat on the edge. The gutter broke and fell down and I fell along with it. My boyfriend said, "I've been trying to tell you to go on a diet". FML

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By Holls - 12/4/2012 13:47 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2015 15:37 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

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By Niles - 20/3/2012 17:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

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By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By nonameLiz - 3/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By scorned_jacketless_lady - 26/8/2013 04:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

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By dumbfounded - 8/5/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 22:04 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

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By bshoemaker45601 - 8/6/2016 20:57 - United States - Circleville

Today, I got a job at a casino where I was actually planning on spending my 21st birthday next month. After they hired me, they told me no employees are allowed to play or gamble on or off the clock, for as long as they are employed there, or termination will immediately follow. FML

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By outsmartedbykids - 28/5/2014 16:28 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 00:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By Beaten - 31/7/2010 23:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML

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By ET - 21/12/2015 23:30 - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By gorgeousgirl - 12/3/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I was called gorgeous for the first time in 4 years. By a robot. A female robot. Who was trying to sell me cosmetics. FML

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By Jeff - 25/8/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By milkshake - 23/1/2013 00:29 - United States - Pasadena

Today, at work at a car dealership, a seemingly overzealous customer shook my hand vigorously after we finalized a deal. I didn't think anything of it until a coworker pointed out that he was just trying to make my breasts jiggle. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 23:03

Grossed out

Today, I found out that the reason I have unbearable pain in my stomach when I sit down is because I have 2 horrifyingly large boils on my waist. My mother nearly fainted when I showed them to her. FML

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By momma6126 - 25/8/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - 5/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

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By Cupcakes - 15/4/2013 05:11 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

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By LiveGuard - 28/3/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

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By dak-rod423 - 15/10/2011 04:33 - United States

Today, my balls were stepped on while I was taking a nap in the park. The man said he didn't see me lying there. I was wearing a neon orange jacket. FML

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By blindsparrow - 18/11/2014 05:35 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By Zebidee | 8

#2158125 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:53

In Australia, crashing your car because of a spider is far from the weirdest thing in the world. Our house spiders (Google 'Huntsman spider') are about the size of your hand, and love to hide under sunvisors or in car bodywork. Their natural defence mechanism is to run up the nearest tree to hide, which in the case of one that falls in your lap at 100 km/h, means it's going straight up your face, or maybe inside your shirt. Oh, and they also have a 'cling reflex' which makes them hard to shake off.

Keeping calm while that happens is a pretty big test of your Zen skills.

By dragonaair | 5

#2158404 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

A fear of spiders is more rational and irrational. Spiders are poisonous and creepy. An irrational fear is like a fear of showering, for example.

Comments

By thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#2157779 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:22

Another spider one. How original. lol

JonaDona | 2

#2158702 - Monday 7 March 2011 14:06

yeah i almost believed it, but then i saw op is a girl...so she is just blaming a poor spider for her less than poor driving skills

thesunsetglow_fml | 8

#2158904 - Monday 7 March 2011 15:28

I compleately believe it! This happened to my
mom.. lucky enough the guy she hit wasn't a total ass and there was no damage... why the hell did the OP have to call the police though??

lovelyllama3 | 0

#2160172 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 1:06

OP may not have called the police. it could have been the person they hit. And this sounds like something that would happen to me. ugh

By afdude87 | 6

#2157786 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:25

swipe it away and keep driving. I would have laughed at you too.

By nanotide | 0

#2157791 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:26

I bet I can fin this exact same fml. how do they let these get posted? lame.

By brycereid | 0

#2157798 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:27

stupid how one of the first things you do after the cops show up is go on FML and post this

By Ryonix | 0

#2157834 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:35

ydi for having a bro

GreatGeak | 8

#2157854 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:38

wrong FML mate.
you wanted the one below.

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2157943 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:54

No I'm pretty sure he wanted this website...

BahahahLOL | 0

#2157998 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:16

YDI for being overweight

By kingtz | 6

#2157850 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:37

YDI for having an irrational fear...

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2158235 - Monday 7 March 2011 10:57

Some people really hate spiders. Everybody has imperfections. Don't hate, spiders are horrid, disgusting, and evil creatures. Sorry, but they are.

dragonaair | 5

#2158404 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:18

A fear of spiders is more rational and irrational. Spiders are poisonous and creepy. An irrational fear is like a fear of showering, for example.

dragonaair | 5

#2158445 - Monday 7 March 2011 12:28

than* not and.

docscientist | 9

#2158578 - Monday 7 March 2011 13:23

No, it's more irrational as most spiders are not poisonous and will not aggressively bite you.

mfjkr | 10

#2159138 - Monday 7 March 2011 16:58

it's not irrational if your H2O intolerant.......*waves hands* BOOSH

swordyx | 5

#6526261 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 1:05

Oh since when did we need logic for fear?

And please squeezing out reasons to argue w him.. Fear is irrational and that's the way it is.

By quasispecies | 0

#2157856 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:38

if that happened to me but with cockroaches I'll probably end up in a car crash as well.

I_R_Genius | 3

#2158029 - Monday 7 March 2011 9:21

I eat cockroaches for snacks. They are so good with honey.

By perdix | 29

#2157862 - Monday 7 March 2011 8:39

F the other driver's L because he/she has to call the insurance company, get the damaged car towed to the body shop, rent a car and wait to get theirs back all because some dumb bitch couldn't control her vehicle because of the filth that accumulated in it.

My car is messy, but it's never been so disgusting that I get assaulted by insects (arachnids, really) that infested it.