By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom

Life is unfair…

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

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By anyoi - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

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By Big bootay

Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year old son pointed to a lady and exclaimed “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML.

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By anonymous - Switzerland - Unterageri

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

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By madafgf

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

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By AmNot - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

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By team hit bella with a car - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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By Rellies

Today, my husband is finally fully recovered from getting decompression sickness during our scuba diving vacation. Today is also the day I snapped my femur in half while skiing. FML

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By dank meme - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

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By Where is it coming from?! - United States - Brightwood

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

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By N1ch0la1 - South Africa

Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

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By cachow - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By SadisticSatire - United States

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

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By Apissedoffguy - United States - Brockton

Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

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By KPKallery - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a teenager knock over a woman, so I rushed over to help her up. Turns out, she had a knife and thanked me by stealing my wallet and phone. FML

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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By blueberry_hill - United States

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

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By Jessy - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML

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By wtfdreams - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By Fatality - Canada

Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML

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By Partyofthree

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By missmcfarty - Australia - Townsville

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

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By JustplainSad - 15/8/2020 23:01

People are strange

Today, I found out my friend of 15 years, who cut off our weekly gaming group during Covid after a fight, is speaking to everyone but me. I wasn't even in the fight, I just checked in to see if he was OK after. FML

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By alejita - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

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By sweet_stufz - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

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By jdsksoapy - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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By ditzen - United States

Today, I went to pick up my paycheck at the convenience store I work at. While there, two frat boys came in and bought seventeen 30 packs of beer. That comes to about $300. They spent more at the store in one day than I get paid in two weeks. FML

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By FlyAwayPlease - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

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By mstar - United States

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

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By captain patch beard

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

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By InDisbelief - United States - Racine

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By maryfaithh - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

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By ssenmodnaR

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7949035 - Sunday 1 November 2020 8:42

You should have sided up with the robbers and plundered more booty than your measly pay. And you could've made your stingy boss walk the plank!

By voltroz | 16

#7949046 - Sunday 1 November 2020 10:09

Sometimes being nice isn't the best option

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7949035 - Sunday 1 November 2020 8:42

You should have sided up with the robbers and plundered more booty than your measly pay. And you could've made your stingy boss walk the plank!

Reply

voltroz | 16

#7949046 - Sunday 1 November 2020 10:09

Sometimes being nice isn't the best option

By tounces7 | 27

#7949168 - Sunday 1 November 2020 21:19

The first part is believable, the second less so.

By hugtrees13 | 16

#7949187 - Sunday 1 November 2020 23:00

Umm legally they can’t cut your pay for being late

Reply

mickymoose1 | 11

#7949202 - Monday 2 November 2020 1:12

In most businesses, time worked = time paid, however any decent boss would have allowed op to stay late to make up for missed hours in that situation so their pay would remain the same. Sounds like op has a dick boss if they didn't allow for them to stay late.