By karmaplz - 23/02/2011 14:26 - United States
I agree, your life sucks
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You deserved it
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karmaplz tells us more.
I feel the need to clear up some of this discussion! First of all--thanks to all these anon. people for defending me. I honestly submitted this immediately after getting the phone call @ 8:30 am, never thinking it'd be posted. Secondly-- is he a bad guy? No. I'm sure if being a cop is what he wants to do, and has his heart in it, he'll do great at his job. As far as the disrespect: it got to a point where I wasn't valued as a person, and some very vulgar, vile, rude and hurtful things were said/done to me, that wouldn't have been done if I was respected for who I am. If I was seen as a human with a heart and feelings, these things wouldn't have been done. Can I say that this will never happen to another female? No. Do I think he's pure evil? No. Saying bad things would have been purely vengeful and ruined a potential career. Also, I wasn't listed a reference, they required names and phone numbers of "significant relationships"--- I was asked if there was ever an assault between us, and about his moral character. That's it. I've had a seriously great laugh over realizing this was actually posted, and loved reading all the comments. Thanks!
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Guys, you fail to understand something important. When the police calls to ask info for an in-depth background check-up of potential candidates, they don't care whether he's a Don Juan or whether he breaks hearts. This sort of petty stuff won't prevent him from being hired. For her to get back at him like some of you are saying she should, she would have to lie and make up something like domestic violence. Now that's something that will get the police to put an applicant in their absolute No-hire list forever. Wife/girlfriend beaters and other such offenses are something you don't ever come back from, on their lists. It would mean she would have to commit a crime to get back at him. Something completely unwarranted and stupid, not to mention also full of bad consequences. What OP did was the right thing, and she is a honorable person. It was unpleasant, but she did the adult thing.
#53 I don't see how simply saying that she doesn't want to be a reference and then stating that she's an ex (leaving out the heartbreaker bit) would harm his chances of getting a job. I'm not saying she should say bad things about him, but rather just simply politely decline to be a reference. It sounds like OP might not have known that her ex put her down as a reference, and you should always contact people before doing so no matter what the circumstances.
They can find whoever they want, it's called word of mouth. Also, she shouldn't have lied. Notice she said he disrespected her, not just that he broke her heart. Now, provided whatever she said may not have been a big enough deal to put him on a no-hire list, it still is relevant. She should have just told the truth. She could have said that she was an ex and he didn't treat her well. If they asked, she may have provided specific instances. Lying is never okay. It does make you honorable and good to lie and say good things about someone. It makes you a liar.
Well there is a difference. She could have told him "In general he is a ..... (insert something, semi, postive truthfully) person, though he could sometimes be disrespectful". Than she's not lying nor is she making him look more worse than he might be. He was disrespectful, that is what she thought, and I don't think you want a cop like that against you, right? And mind your annoying words, they are not honourable
just because he wronged her in a relationship doesn't mean he's a horrible person. Breakups happen. Shit happens. So saying good things about him is not lying. He may very well be a good person, but just happened to make a horrible impression on her. I don't like beetoven's music. Does that make it bad music? no.
Sorry, #93, a lot of people ask really stupid questions and are actually serious :P #123, Okay you don't like Beethoven's music, but you say that that doesn't make it bad music. You told the truth there. That's what she should have done. She didn't say maybe he's good at this or good with that, but she doesn't like him. She just straight up said a bunch of good things about him. Like I said, it might not have been notable, whatever he did to her, but just straight up lying is wrong.
#127 - nowhere does it say that. It says that she had to say a bunch of nice things about a guy she had a bad relationship with, not that what she said was untrue. If I got a call about one of my ex's for a background check some would get 'Dear god she's a psyco run the hell away!' but most of them would get fairly positive comments, regardless of how it ended between us. Why do people assume someone bad with relationships = bad period?
I never said that what she said was untrue, just that she didn't tell the whole truth. Withholding information is still lying. And sure, maybe he just has a traditional view of gender roles. Maybe he cheated on her. Maybe he's misogynist. Like I said, maybe however he disrespected her wasn't a big deal, but maybe it was. It's not right for her to not tell everything. That's lying. Now please, seriously, don't post a response unless you actually read what I said. I really hate repeating myself. I'll totally just start copying and pasting.
Oh, so by your logic, unless she were to give a minute by minute account of every second they had together she was lying? After all, leaving out anything means you're lying! Try learning how these kind of references work before you comment. They call you up and they ask specific questions about the other person - they don't go 'hey should we let this guy be a cop?' - how the hell would the OP know what makes a good cop? Oh and lets not forget the fact that any employer is forbidden to ask about the relationship status of applicants. The police Like anyone, I have had friends with who I've had arguments and disagreements with - if the police rang to do a check on them a day or so after I'd had that argument should I base my answers off what I'm feeling that second, ie, anger and resentment etc, or should I base it off the years I've known them and as the person I actually know them to be? Clearly the OP dated this person for a period of time and thus had to have thought of them as a good person - the fact that they didn't work as a couple obviously didn't change that.
Wow, really? I did not say she had to tell them every little thing. She felt it important enough to mention on an damn FML post that the person she said good things about wasn't very awesome to her, but not to the people she was talking about him to? If it was worth mentioning at all, then it should have been said. I've had exes that I had bad relationships with that I'd say some good qualities they have and leave it at that because it just simply didn't work between us. I have other exes that might need a different approach. "He's very smart and generally trustworthy, but he's very self-centered." That's totally warranted. She left something out that she thought was relevant. That's lying. To lie is an act with the intent to deceive. To deviate from the truth. She lied.
154 - I can kind of see both sides of this. On the one side, OP should not be telling the life story between herself and her ex-boyfriend, because quite frankly the cop calling won't care. Most of what would be said in that situation would not apply to what he's asking, so it's pointless to include it. It's not lying if you don't mention it simply because it doesn't apply. If there was something that was evident in their relationship, such as he's a pathological liar or he's very unreliable, that should most certainly be mentioned because it could impact his quality of work. The cop was asking for any details that might make the ex-boyfriend a great cop, and any that might make him a poor cop. They need to know both sides so they can properly examine whether he's good enough or not.
Sigh. How about learning how these things work before you tell me I'm not reading what you're saying? I have read it - it's just wrong. Hence my reply. She was not on trial. She can choose to not answer anything she wants and she can choose not to reveal anything she wants. The questions are based on HER OPINION of the guy in question. Her opinion can be anything she damn well wants it to be. If I have a girlfriend who I lie to, cheat on, steal from, scream at and then leave for someone else - there is no rule saying this girl has to hate me. She'd be an idiot not to, but if she decides she still trusts me completely, that I'm a lovely, responsible person and everything that happened was her fault then she is completely entitled to think that. She would also be insane, but if the police rang and asked her about me and she told them how wonderful I was she would not be lying. She would be judging my be HER standards instead of yours - something you seem unable to understand that people do. Clearly the OP has put aside the bitterness of the breakup - of which we have no information - and answered the questions based on how she actually thinks of this person.
It's not irrelevant if SHE felt like she was disrespected! In your example, your hypothetical ex would still think you're a good person because she probably has no self respect and therefore wouldn't feel like you had done anything wrong. OP obviously thinks he was wrong or she wouldn't be complaining about saying good things about him. I agree that it depends on the person's perspective. I'm with you on that. You just are refusing to see that OP has said that her perspective is that he was wrong.
HOLY SH*T ppl calm down, seriously. we don't even know the full story so it's hard for us to say what she should've done, we don't know what the police asked or how he "disrespected" her. if he did disrespect her at all, for all we know he may not have disrespected her and she's just saying that . for all we know this may not have even happened and could be completely fake.(no offense OP, just trying to prove a point).
sure she said he was wrong, but OP obviously saw some good in him to tell the positive things she saw in him. it makes sense what she did. and I'm sure they referred to other people. if he truly is an asshole, another reference woulda mentioned it and he possibly wouldn't had gotten the badge. Disrespected her might even mean simply swearing at her. but then again, we don't know what exactly happened.
when you apply to be a police officer you don't put references they ask everyone you have had contact with for the past ten years including but not limited to family, friends, former employers and so on. then depending on the department you you might have to take a polygraph test and a mandatory psych evaluation. this is how it's done in NY state its different depending on which state you live.
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Spicy
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Why didn't you just tell them bad things?
As someone who knows a fair amount about the hiring process, you should have told them he was disrespectful. It is NOT grounds for disqualification, but it would give them a realistic idea about who he was. They would talk to him about it, but that doesn't mean they would DQ him. You should have been honest.