Intimacy: Take a chill pill

Take a chill pill

By failed - 23/02/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 097

You deserved it 46 276

May Day: Lily of the Valley and Misunderstandings
When lilies of the valley bring good luck... or not! Discover the stories behind every little bell! More…

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 14/04/2014 20:12 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 652

You deserved it 8 159

By loldick - 15/11/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 926

You deserved it 23 795

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 644

You deserved it 14 007

By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 112

You deserved it 6 244

By bad in the sack - 05/07/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 158

You deserved it 11 461

By salad - 28/04/2014 15:38 - United States - North Charleston

Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 927

You deserved it 5 320

Nice outing

By Anonymous - 07/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 372

You deserved it 746

Smooth talker

By ugh - 31/01/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 952

You deserved it 5 600

By gutted - 07/05/2012 02:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 930

You deserved it 2 874

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 08:45 - Canada - Richmond

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 510

You deserved it 16 754

loveyouall81 2

Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:04

noob

mintcar 9

Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

Ew, be gentle. You're not supposed to go at it like that.

Comments

Dr_Sara 0

Thursday 24 February 2011 8:33

L2 foreplay probably.

Jimboom 11

Thursday 24 February 2011 10:03

Lol. Think of it more of filleting a fish with your tongue. ;-)

Peacewind 0

Thursday 24 February 2011 14:31

that made my day. FYI tho mate

truthinlies 1

Thursday 24 February 2011 15:28

wish my ex tasted like that

bulldawg2468 0

Thursday 24 February 2011 17:11

haha

emjay09 0

Thursday 24 February 2011 17:23

WTF??

LittleMagicWolf 7

Thursday 24 February 2011 17:28

...why didn't she help you figure out wtf you were doin? I can't even imagine what you doing to her. seriously, how/WHAT WERE YOU DOIN?! lol

itsbrookebixch 0

Thursday 24 February 2011 18:16

hahahahahahahaha

ironhead_fml 20

Thursday 24 February 2011 19:19

LMAO!!!!!

Ozborne2011 0

Thursday 24 February 2011 20:25

Wow, really? Tongue my man, not teeth. Would u like it if she bit you?

B3CC4 0

Friday 25 March 2011 23:38

lmfaooo!'

Keywords

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The Top

Today, a person I've never met called me a whore and spat on me. Why? Because I was babysitting for my neighbors and answered the door for two well dressed women passing out religious pamphlets. I politely declined to take any. Apparently being a 15 year-old girl caring for a toddler makes me a sex worker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 62

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 982

You deserved it 6 342

The Top

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 948

You deserved it 7 527

Today, I’m trying to figure out how to spend Christmas with my wife and kids… and my girlfriend. I’m planning to divorce my wife in January, because doing it on Christmas would hurt them all, but I don’t want my girlfriend to know I’m married or else she’ll leave me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 2 369

Today, I bought weed for the first time. The dealer was an undercover cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 407

You deserved it 86 244

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 532

You deserved it 5 700

Today, I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. I wanted to keep my old files on the current hard drive, I clicked on the keep old files option. Thanks to Windows, I lost everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 774

You deserved it 5 701

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 442

You deserved it 1 721