Intimacy: Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and...

By IHateDumbExs - 21/01/2011 17:15 - United States

Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 309

You deserved it 5 626

IHateDumbExs tells us more.

IHateDumbExs 0

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Saturday 22 January 2011 1:52

Haha he didn't come to see me, he came to where I was volunteering to pick up his little sister. He just saw me in passing and asked. And no, his apology was definitely not worth a blowjob.

Intimacy

Good kid

Is that even legal?

Leave spiders alone

By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 734

You deserved it 6 785

All dressed up

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 23:00

Today, an elderly man came into my place of work wearing a nice suit. I commented, saying said he looked nice and asked what the special occasion was. He was going to a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 154

By Today - 07/09/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 248

You deserved it 6 575

By lilsis - 31/01/2010 05:38 - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 3 768

By Loveless - 09/04/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 157

You deserved it 411

By Broly171 - 01/10/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 5 621

USA! FUCK YEAH!

By dinkley7 - 20/03/2021 21:30

Today, at work, I had to tell someone to put out a cigarette. He yelled at me saying it’s a free country. I work at a gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 57

By RadYoHeaD - 04/12/2008 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I went running to the gym on the way to work and I forgot to bring a spare shirt. All I have to wear is a wet white tshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 195

You deserved it 21 644

By NorwegianMadman - 22/12/2016 11:55

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 631

You deserved it 468

By tooembarassed - 03/02/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 481

You deserved it 3 587

By waxer150 - 22/03/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 237

You deserved it 8 606

By themildthings - 21/09/2010 07:10 - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 479

You deserved it 23 932

By assante2010 - 24/07/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 288

You deserved it 6 864

By wdunn69733 - 11/10/2012 14:30 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 206

You deserved it 10 118

By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 10:58 - United States

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 391

You deserved it 2 669

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 02:00

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 213

You deserved it 1 985

By hold your horses pony boy - 18/04/2014 18:24 - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 151

You deserved it 13 663

By Anonymous - 02/06/2019 22:00

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 1 554

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 534

You deserved it 4 964

By Anonymous - 11/08/2013 00:04 - United States - Reno

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 272

You deserved it 4 379

By Teacher - 16/12/2015 09:10 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 517

You deserved it 2 026

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 22:52 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 201

You deserved it 3 900

By scorned_jacketless_lady - 26/08/2013 04:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 258

You deserved it 16 545

By Wow - 11/04/2013 12:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 194

You deserved it 19 277

By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 294

You deserved it 3 690

We're all that one person

By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 150

By xerrika - 03/06/2014 11:56 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 695

You deserved it 8 907

By TCRII - 11/10/2017 22:30 - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 315

You deserved it 620

By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 360

You deserved it 7 965

Racing rats

By Anonymous - 04/10/2019 20:00

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 114

By pizzagurl - 09/05/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 161

You deserved it 273 951

By penny-dropping - 16/04/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 343

You deserved it 3 112

By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 4 974

By unknown951 - 29/11/2010 07:11

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 581

You deserved it 4 747

By StellarSapience - 22/05/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 581

You deserved it 8 422

By Fuzy - 15/12/2008 03:24 - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 428

You deserved it 2 342

By sadman - 07/05/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 369

You deserved it 11 669

By Adrian16 - 18/01/2010 11:01 - Norway

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 388

You deserved it 65 564

By startingover - 18/07/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 266

You deserved it 3 582

By Bliss - 09/02/2009 18:24 - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 934

You deserved it 5 877

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Top comments

comegetme63 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:22

hes just using you

zargon 1

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:28

This comment earns me enough points for a blowjob. I expect you at my house in an hour. Don't be late.

comegetme63 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:22

hes just using you

MradamLulz 0

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Saturday 22 January 2011 1:30

no? really? you are the first dog that I have ever seen that points out the obvious...

LouieLZ 5

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Saturday 22 January 2011 10:33

FTW

crystalxa 35

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Thursday 1 May 2014 15:19

I agree! He is using you! They always say make up sex is the best!

heyygurl 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:24

at least you know he "loves" you

XxKyttixX 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:26

"75 more points....at least!"

cbranflakes 1

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Saturday 22 January 2011 3:10

hah exactly!

babyyninjas 1

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Saturday 22 January 2011 3:39

:( well my girl asks for 180

XxKyttixX 0

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Saturday 22 January 2011 8:48

aww poor 48 haha you better do things worth double points then

Sgt_Minty 0

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Friday 22 July 2011 17:55

lol i live in vancouver too we didnt get a summer :(

43trauts 14

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Monday 16 January 2012 17:20

How about 69 points? ;)

wertheworld 3

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Tuesday 10 April 2012 23:01

Ng??Umm I don't get the Vancouver thing.... Can u explain it??

zargon 1

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:28

This comment earns me enough points for a blowjob. I expect you at my house in an hour. Don't be late.

bizarre_ftw 21

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Friday 7 October 2011 21:44

Was she late?

Doortje 29

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:28

You work with a points system? That's genius! Please, tell me more. How many points are needed for tossing the salad, for instance?

natas_fml 13

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Saturday 22 January 2011 0:19

That requires a lot of "brainstorming".

guitarluc1234 0

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Saturday 22 January 2011 4:08

Nice cross-FML reference. 20 points to you.

mintcar 9

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:28

Hahahaha. I mean er....er... DUMP HIM, he's an ass. DUMP HIM!

guckylynn 19

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:54

Notice OP said 'ex' boyfriend. I take it the dumping already occurred.

kingfin88 0

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Saturday 22 January 2011 1:29

she better have given him head i woulda broke up with her if she didn't

antonplayer02 0

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Monday 24 January 2011 16:37

dats fuked 29.

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:31

I assume that you broke up with home after he asked that question, or it wouldn't be "ex" boyfriend. So, did it earn him enough points for a blowjob?

shacoria 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:31

why are you still associating with him if he's your ex boyfriend and he's a jerk? Just cut him out of your life, problem solved.

Knock_Out 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 23:35

He is a total ASSHOLE. Dump his pathetic little idiot self and move on past him. He is using you like no other, and he only wants to pleasure himself one way or another. If you don't do it for him, someone else will. He doesn't need you for anything other than a toy. Dump him. Now.