Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to rush home from work to help my parents, who are both wheelchair users, because they were having sex and fell between the bed and the wall. With both of them unable to walk, they were stuck there, so the first thing I saw walking into their room was mom's bum hole staring at me. FML
Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML
Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML
Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML
Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML
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Top comments
Phillycheeze 20
Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..
Chewy1 18
Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.
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Comments (44)
mattyiscool123 26
Wait a minute, this is actually possible?
PenguinPal3017 19
Now that's what I call a sticky situation!
GUYMAINE 16
Thats what you get
interesting33 37
how did this pass moderation??? it clearly isn't true. You can't give yourself a ******** can you?
jkjorn 18
A lot people think it is possible, according to that thread up top. Me, I'll just take their word for it, not gonna look for the evidence online because I'm all out of brain bleach today.
PenguinPal3017 19
Some people can. Usually just the tip though. Look up videos online if you don't believe it.
TxKitten79 10
Some people can, and the proof is out there if you're curious enough.
Matthew Irmen 11
That sucks!
silentbabydeer 10
I would hope they didn’t take pictures or video you because they can use that as an blackmail against you.
ctraltdelmyself 4
I can only imagine that giving yourself a ******* feels a lot more like giving a *******, not so much like receiving a *******.
Sheepiebeepie 26
You’ve never masturbated? It’s not as good as someone else doing it but I’d imagine sucking yourself off would feel just as good as jacking off if not better.
ctraltdelmyself 4
Masturbation or not, you're still shoving a dick in your mouth.
Emma Marshall_738558922 12
I'm calling bullshit.
Takegami 22
I can’t even
Taurus_ChicKa 37
I don't know whether to be impressed or appalled. Congrats on being able to suck your own dick - a lot of guys would pay money to be able to do that - but seriously, wouldn't it be easier to just get a blow up doll with a built-in vibrating/suction feature?