Intimacy: Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous...

By pleasedie - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

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Intimacy

Taking stock

Time don't heal nothing

Catching up

By thesporkhop - United States

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

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By Forgotten - Canada

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 05:01

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

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By marriedtoatool - Australia - Sydney

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

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By Amandajean32 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By transfer - United States

Today, I asked to change my major at the college I'm transferring to in the fall. Instead of letting me change my major, they withdrew my acceptance. FML

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By Jen

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

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By puzzled - United Kingdom

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

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By polkadotpinup - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got a call from my employers wanting to ask why I had a no call, no show for today. My supervisor reported me for not showing up to work. It's my day off, and also my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

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By Toroka

Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML

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By Anonymous

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

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By dmachin - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

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By Unwanted - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By Rari - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

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By Kate - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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By meg the mighty

Today, it's been 3 days since my husband decided he really wanted to try the surstromming challenge. I can still smell that shit all through my house even with all the doors and windows open after the stupid bastard took one smell, vomited, and dropped the can on the carpet. FML

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By chynna - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

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By robbyrabbit - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By ceedee - United States

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 17:01

Seagull on wheels

Today, I found out the hard way what it feels like to have a seagull poo on your face while cycling. FML

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By SaggyBoy135 - United States

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By Anonymous

Almost done

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

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By WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM - United States - Endicott

Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML

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By shocked - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By sparky83000 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

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By kalamar5 - Norway - Sarpsborg

Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML

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By Lockedinroom - United States

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 04:53

You sure it was your birthday?

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By -_- - Australia - Elwood

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6284685 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:10

Definitely not the type of head he was expecting.

By Krwman | 8

#6284688 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:11

Well, your heart is in the right place; even if the rest of you wasn't.

COMMENTS

By marigoldcobain | 21

#6284682 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:09

Oh, god. F his life, lord almighty.

dont_touch_my_ca | 8

#6284982 - Friday 8 May 2015 7:12

I think the guy has a had enough F-ing for today. Thanks though.

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6285034 - Friday 8 May 2015 8:57

I think all the men just went >.

By irishmaiden78 | 23

#6284683 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:09

Ouch! That's kind of a sucky thing to have happen. :(

coldasfire | 23

#6284778 - Friday 8 May 2015 1:29

Not sure if pun or not

khaoticpanda | 28

#6284869 - Friday 8 May 2015 3:55

Subtle. I like it.

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6284976 - Friday 8 May 2015 6:44

at least he got head right?

sonasonic | 34

#6285069 - Friday 8 May 2015 10:16

Unfortunately, the type where he won't ever celebrate Father's Day.

By Welshite | 39

#6284685 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:10

Definitely not the type of head he was expecting.

vreid | 20

#6284706 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:15

You win

kaitlynjane | 28

#6284848 - Friday 8 May 2015 3:26

Plot twist: OP's boyfriend is a masochist and it was exactly the type of head he was expecting... o.o

TheGatekeeper43 | 8

#6284853 - Friday 8 May 2015 3:35

Lolz nice

Jay0501 | 21

#6284882 - Friday 8 May 2015 4:12

OP gave him blue balls

TommyG493 | 11

#6284938 - Friday 8 May 2015 5:39

Black and blue balls

kayj905 | 15

#6284940 - Friday 8 May 2015 5:42

I was just about to say that same thing. GJ m8

RedPillSucks | 31

#6285194 - Friday 8 May 2015 14:46

head and butt in the same move. its every guys dream, right?

Attacksloth | 33

#6285200 - Friday 8 May 2015 14:50

I was definitely anticipating this being top comment.

By Sael_fml | 19

#6284687 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:10

wow, that really...blows.

soulcrusher11 | 16

#6284824 - Friday 8 May 2015 2:39

hhahahahahahaha

CaptainSmith28 | 19

#6284855 - Friday 8 May 2015 3:41

There's always someone...

TheIronFez | 13

#6284864 - Friday 8 May 2015 3:53

If I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I'd be able to buy a house.

LeashaJoy5595 | 28

#6284994 - Friday 8 May 2015 7:55

Hey hey! Surprise, there is a pun that didn't get down voted!

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6284999 - Friday 8 May 2015 8:12

Puns deserve to live and not get buried if they actually fit the fml.

By Krwman | 8

#6284688 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:11

Well, your heart is in the right place; even if the rest of you wasn't.

By cactusprick | 19

#6284689 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:11

At least you didn't headbutt the floor and bleed internally eternally :-)

By MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6284690 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:11

I'm sorry to hear that OP, but that sounds hilarious! XD
But I also hope your boyfriends balls are better now.

By Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6284691 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:11

I wish him good health

By bethyc4 | 26

#6284694 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:11

Oh poor merciful blue balls!

By lyricalservant | 21

#6284698 - Friday 8 May 2015 0:12

That was not expected