Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
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Top comments
buck33 14
Well I'd scream too.
dragonstrike94 8
What the he'll is wrong with her
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Comments (469)
Birdie_Sage 0
You sure your girlfriend isn't 'Scream'? All of the right reasons to break up with her.
GroovyGravy 7
I think the OP would know not to date scream.
dragonstrike94 8
Wasnt the name ghostface or something stupid like that
Capt_Oblivious 10
Have some balls and just yell at her to cut it out.
phatdaddy62 23
Yeah, the balls could easily be next!
Zombiegirl420 1
He won't have any balls if he stays with a crazy bitch!
Zhjonin 4
If he says "cut it out" and she 'cuts it off'......ow...
Kiera Navis 5
he might not have any of he says that!
TheDrifter 24
Snip, snip as in post puberty circumcision or new necklace ornament? I thought you only did that to people you DIDN'T like.
I_heart_sex 1
Was her name ms L. bobbit?
lindsiemay 0
Lmao
DocBastard 40
Most of the time around here people scream "Dump her!" for no good reason. On this one, however, I have I thing to say: DUMP HER.
KawiRacer69 5
not dump her but dump that crazy bitch
1crabbygirl 10
Right, it has to do with a penis. Which is probably the most important thing in your life.
SlyTendencies 1
Shutup, ****.
ycrem0n 21
25- Noor is kinda famous here, but I didn't know this side of her until now...
llamafish 25
Live it down? Just be glad you lived at all.
lyssa_jean 7
Omg wow I laughed so hard at this one. Thats so messed up but the mental image is hilarious. FYL op, haha id rethink your relationship. Theres no telling what she might do if you pissed her off.......
pinkcrayola 0
36 Derp I know I was commenting on her new picture.
R3TROxLOV3 32
This is one of those FML's where it would be totally okay to break up with your significant other. She should probably seek psychiatric help...