Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
buck33 14
Well I'd scream too.
dragonstrike94 8
What the he'll is wrong with her
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (469)
nathantcash 0
Break up with her
lianneg 0
Actually she wont live this down. Think about it...ur physco girlfriend tried to chop ur nuts off in ur sleep.
SouthernPride95 19
Actually it was his penis
legend570 1
I'd defiantly break up with her for that
AceArctic 4
You'd defiantly break up with her? You rebel!
bitch_pleez 10
Isn't breaking up already kind of an act of defiance? "bitch I will defiantly perform a defiant act because youre a psycho"
williamcarter93 13
Yes! Defiantly tell her, "YOU SHALL IMPERIL MY PENIS NO LONGER!!!"
russfml 31
I think he means definitely for some reason, just makes more sense lol
ShelbyGray 8
Sounds kind of kinky.
phatdaddy62 23
I've done hella kinky, but this is kinky I think I could live without!
ShelbyGray 8
Haha
MidnaLink 35
You a freak, aint'cha
ShelbyGray 8
Nahhhh
julien672 0
In a sick, twisted, potentially genital-removing way? Just a bit.
GroovyGravy 7
Nothing like waking up in the morning with fresh cut sausage for breakfast.
theevilduchess 12
She's a keeper! *sarcasm*
sweetpea41800 0
You don't say?!?!?
theevilduchess 12
Too many people have to ask if someone is being sarcastic. So I tagged that on there for those who didn't quite understand. Not everyone is as awesome as you.... Once again, sarcasm.
LadyJoker21 0
In the closet
Nolander 0
Dump that bitch NNOOWW!!! Next thing you know, you're gonna wake too late!
itscuzimshort 0
Two words...the suck? Sharp metal objects and crotch sausages are not a good combo..
fuckmebutdontfml 16
OMG she has problems if she thinks that's a joke, she could have cut by mistake when you woke up
pinkcrayola 0
Who is this FMLer? I don't recognize them!