Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
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Top comments
buck33 14
Well I'd scream too.
dragonstrike94 8
What the he'll is wrong with her
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Comments (469)
MrSassypants 34
So OP is Ezio. I can't believe one of the awesomest assassins in the world compared his scream to a "little bitch". This is the craziest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life.
stoth06 1
I'd be done with her ASAP
ma77 9
Drop that bitch like a bad habit!
xXBOOBOOXx69 3
Da fuq did I just read??
bronxkam 4
And you're still with her because...?
fenixtorador1 11
That would be interesting trying to explain to the ER that your GF cut off your dick as a joke..
acidfoxxx 0
Unless u got the most amazing, mind blowing bj afterwards I'd be dumping the nutbar!! By the way no one screams like a bitch when their manhood is in trouble! That is the proper reaction.
pengin 13
even with a bj-- i cant imagine how staying with her would do anything but further future instances like this... crazy bitch be stayin' crazy... any girl who isn't crazy could certainly give a guy a bj... idk how you think taking such a risk would be worth it lol ..ohguyssss XD
pengin 13
Seriously.. W-T-F. Get the **** out of there!! obviously she's crazy/ unstable... just think, if you really piss her off and you're trying to sleep.. she may actually try to cut it off... o__o holy ****... yahhhh if you stay with this gf, you're gonna have a bad time..
emstar828 4
I'm sorry; normally, I wouldn't say this but you truly need to dump that psycho bitch.
indigosunflowerr 5
ah, so youre dating megan fox?
1094568 1
U jelly she is hotter than u :O