Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
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Top comments
buck33 14
Well I'd scream too.
dragonstrike94 8
What the he'll is wrong with her
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Comments (469)
jesinuevo 3
Break up now!!!! She's insane in the membrane!!! Unless your into that sort of s&m.
shannonjnae2706 0
So, your girlfriend is clinically insane? FYL, indeed.
MDTeddy 13
That isn't funny at all. Normal people would live it down because that is messed up.
GothicAngel95 16
1. Break-up with her 2. Run as far as you can away from her OP!
Skittles_Rawr 8
The **** is wrong with her?!?!
HairyPunisher 27
YDI for using the word "crotch-sausage."
THE_A_TEEN 28
You just used the word "crotch sausage". Ethos, you deserve to get your crotch-sausage to be chopped off. Hypocrite...
THE_A_TEEN 28
*Ergo
HairyPunisher 27
Yeah but I put it in quotes. I'm not a grammar Basically but according to the rules of English, writing, and proper citations, putting something in quotes when being addressed as not the same as using it in context yourself.
HairyPunisher 27
Oh very funny. Someone edited my sentence above to make me look like an idiot that can't make a coherent sentence. And I said Grammar Nazi. Eh whatever. Happy posting everyone.
iamsickbro32 2
Bro that's not natural if she was a good girlfriend shed be licking it up not tryin to cut it off. Sorry dude thats a huge dilemma.. Craziest FML I've ever seen.
shaynafaye 3
that's not cool... this is coming from a girl. is that seriously how she needs to get her kicks and then makes fun of you for it? sounds pretty unhealthy.
gingerarmyboy12 0
I've never hit a women but if I woke up to that I prob would have as I was screaming
zach8771 3
That's freaky omg good thing you didn't startle her enough to squeez the scissors