By ParkingGuy - United States

No free lunch

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant, I decided to be nice and give a woman free parking. I said, "Give me a high five and I'll give you free parking, since I already did the paperwork." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paperwork. FML

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Late term

Triage

Make it work

By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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By reisz618

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

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By Maria39018 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockville

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

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By catlady - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

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By amanda_ae_erin - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

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By 4yrldkicker - United States

Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML

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By theyreallydosmell

Today, I came home from a vacation. It had snowed, so I decided to shovel the front walk. While shoveling, I found a dead skunk frozen solid on the sidewalk. I tried to pick it up with my shovel, but it stuck. It won't move 'til the ice melts. FML

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By fmlgrl - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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By killjoyx - United States - Suffolk

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

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By doblex - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

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By julia - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By mama75 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

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By B.B - United States - New York

Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML

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By adc2502

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

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By --- - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 10:59 - United States - Farmingdale

What a tit

Today, I stabbed myself in the nipple with scissors trying to cut an opening in the supposedly hands-free pumping bra I just bought. I breastfeed my 5-day-old. FML

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By Pisser - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

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By PerpetuallyHappy - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 08:01

Miss me yet?

Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went running for the first time in a few months. I had what I thought was an asthma attack. When I got home, I realized that it was not asthma, but instead I have gained so much weight that my running bra restricted my breathing. FML

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By astocks - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 05:01 - United States

Everyone's a critic

Today, I finally left a one-star review for my doctor’s office. I mentioned my doctor was epic, but called them out on their poor billing practices. I got a call saying my awesome doctor actually owns the clinic. My next appointment is going to be so awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my mother posted a video of me giving birth, on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

TMI FML

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By creepedouthostess - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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By FrozenAnonymus - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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By girlshavepenises - New Zealand

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

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By UN4 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

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By

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By konacoffee17 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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Top comments

By GreenDaysGeekGrl | 0

#488063 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:28

Aww. My friend gives free parking at her job all the time. What an ungrateful lady... jeeez.

By ehon82 | 3

#488076 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:33

F the wench, if she can't be cool about free parking she'll get hers someday.

COMMENTS

By DaBombb316 | 0

#488055 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:25

can't you get fired for that? aren't there cameras that could have seen you do that?

Reply

that_guy321 | 2

#488064 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:28

the amount would probably just be taken from the OP's paycheck

Reply

bovice | 0

#488388 - Saturday 15 August 2009 11:35

he was saying he was being nice!

Reply

vampvalencia | 0

#488852 - Saturday 15 August 2009 16:59

I'd rather pay too. Stupid optimists.

By captainamerica50 | 0

#488056 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:26

haha thats so funny

By GreenDaysGeekGrl | 0

#488063 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:28

Aww. My friend gives free parking at her job all the time. What an ungrateful lady... jeeez.

Reply

Ketchup_Castle | 30

#3236652 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:57

Yeah, who doesn't like free parking.

By ehon82 | 3

#488076 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:33

F the wench, if she can't be cool about free parking she'll get hers someday.

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1037245 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:53

Lol it aint free. It costs a high-five. They wlare awesome!

By jem1991 | 0

#488084 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:35

YDI for being disgusting

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2703255 - Friday 17 June 2011 19:16

Now come on, it's probably some dumb "I'm better than anyone else" blonde idiot. Unless he clearly had some disease or something questionable on his hand, FYL

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5544883 - Friday 21 June 2013 5:19

You don't even know him, how can you say he's disgusting?

Reply

EwahWeeWah | 21

#6604806 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:37

How the fuck is a high-five disgusting?

By debo123 | 0

#488085 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:35

Damn what a BITCHH!!!!

Reply

I_ate_pikachu | 0

#495399 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 4:49

Maybe she was being paranoid. Not many people are nice like that.

By GGnoRe | 0

#488105 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:43

Wow she's a bitch.. Why do people like her even exist anyways?

By Christineiscool | 0

#488106 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:43

Wow I can't believe you didnt flip that bitch

By ZuRG_fml | 7

#488111 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:47

How much paperwork is necessary for parking?

YDI, but it's not even an FML

Reply

electroboy_fml | 0

#488789 - Saturday 15 August 2009 16:33

A lot.

By Paperdollheart | 0

#488119 - Saturday 15 August 2009 7:49

I think you and her were thinking about two different high fives.....haha

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=high-five

Reply

UnicornsDoExist | 0

#488202 - Saturday 15 August 2009 8:37

okay. that's funny! lmao

Reply

CyclonePsycho | 1

#489388 - Saturday 15 August 2009 21:02

Her mind was obviously in the gutter then. Doesn't take much brain power to connect that he meant an actual high five. =