By SierraCheyenne - 26/3/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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Season finale

Ant life

Trust

By Juicy12Jham - 9/9/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 20:07 - Switzerland

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 04:00

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

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By alsayslegit - 25/5/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

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By Mayrose125 - 29/11/2016 07:32

Today, I learned that my boss is training one the the trainees I trained to be supervisor. Everyone supports this, including me. So what's the issue? I was promised that position almost 2 years ago. Apparently, I train people well enough to promote, but I'm not good enough to be promoted myself. FML

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By Ananimus - 26/8/2015 12:31 - United States - Peekskill

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

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By Mattyboy - 24/8/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

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By AgentRarity - 18/6/2014 16:48

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

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By HSampsON - 13/10/2013 21:20 - Niger - Niamey

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

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By CarSick - 23/2/2011 03:55 - United States

Today, I threw up in the car. While driving. The good news though, I had a bag to catch it all. Bad news? The bag had a giant hole in the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 20:09 - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

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By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 12:16

Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML

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By nodullmoment - 26/4/2013 03:01 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that is for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago are inside. After they left, the "for rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

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By Carlyclose - 16/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 10:39 - United States

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 14:04 - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By Sam - 3/12/2011 10:03 - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

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By disappointed - 25/3/2014 11:36 - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - 3/1/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By cheekymac - 9/6/2010 15:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the airport baggage collection when I saw an old man struggling to get his very old and heavy suitcase off the belt before giving up. I had already collected my bag, but wanting to be helpful, the old man watched me as I grabbed his handle, yanked and snapped it clean off. FML

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By - 3/1/2020 18:33

Official meeting

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 22:59 - United States

Today, I excitedly showed my new roommate my pet fish. She then told me about how she purposely starved her last fish to see how long it would take before they started eating each other before starving to death. FML

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By MDWilde - 30/3/2012 18:28 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

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By sadcartoons - 12/2/2011 18:57 - Canada

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

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By Thank God I Flush Them Down The Toilet - 26/9/2015 01:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By Wrabel - 8/6/2015 16:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

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By Yup - 13/6/2010 07:48 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's mom's house for the first time. They had a cook-out so I got to meet his whole entire family. I went into the kitchen to find a huge picture of his ex-girlfriend on his mom's fridge. FML

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By frog - 6/11/2008 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

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By alycion - 17/6/2019 19:07

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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By El Boz - 22/2/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

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By fappy dog - 23/1/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2012 04:18 - United States - Burnsville

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "sex". My son is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

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By fuuuuck - 28/1/2010 00:27 - Canada

Today, I had a very important test. Last night, I'd had such bad leg pains that I couldn't sleep, so I took two very strong painkillers and went to sleep pain-free. I apparently accidentally overdosed, because when I woke up, I couldn't see properly or even stand up. And I missed my test. FML

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By Sir Vom-a-lot - 14/6/2012 16:28 - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7892672 - Friday 27 March 2020 1:41

Sucks to be you! ...Er, no, I mean sucks to be him. Well, something sucks, and sucks well, but it’s definitely not you.

By taylomv0019 | 4

#7892661 - Thursday 26 March 2020 23:59

if it isnt already you should buy him a wet/dry shop vaccume

COMMENTS

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7892656 - Thursday 26 March 2020 23:29

Now you can sleep while he visits the vacuum cleaner.

By Aiden89 | 21

#7892660 - Thursday 26 March 2020 23:54

Lmao, that’s dangerous

By taylomv0019 | 4

#7892661 - Thursday 26 March 2020 23:59

if it isnt already you should buy him a wet/dry shop vaccume

By themetropolitan | 17

#7892662 - Friday 27 March 2020 0:03

The baby will be half human, half vacuum cleaner. Wonder what that will look like...

By jc1015 | 22

#7892666 - Friday 27 March 2020 0:58

let him have at it...let's you off the hook

By pjsr | 32

#7892672 - Friday 27 March 2020 1:41

Sucks to be you! ...Er, no, I mean sucks to be him. Well, something sucks, and sucks well, but it’s definitely not you.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7892684 - Friday 27 March 2020 4:13

A vacuum is better?

Wow, you must really suck at ... um, I need a better vocabulary.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893453 - Monday 30 March 2020 3:03

Have his friend eat you out “your best friend does it better”

By BrotherPhil | 32

#7893604 - Monday 30 March 2020 19:22

Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.