By hhaghigh - 14/3/2020 00:08 - United States

Blending Nemo

Today, I was draining the water from my fishbowl out into the kitchen sink. The fish was still in it and decided to go with the flow, literally, right into the garburator. I was too scared to stick my hand down there to save it; instead I panicked and turned the garburator on. FML

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Family values

The student becomes the master

Ant life

By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

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By nick - 18/10/2009 13:39 - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. Out of anger, I spat my gum at her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into some bushes. FML

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By idonthavereligion - 29/5/2015 04:16 - United States - Palmer

Today, I started my day off with a relaxing cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sound of my mother informing me I will be going to hell for being not believing in God. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 12:00

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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By sick of this shit - 6/2/2016 05:04 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

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By Tooyoungforthis - 4/1/2013 00:34 - United States - Arvada

Today, I had to download a parental block so my dad would stop watching porn on my laptop. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - 5/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By Bleached_Eyes - 2/4/2018 00:00 - United States - Pikesville

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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By Unfortunate - 27/12/2010 05:41 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Grace - 17/10/2018 03:00

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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By erika - 28/7/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By GeeTwo - 21/2/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

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By Username - 14/4/2011 06:59

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By syco - 28/12/2010 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

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By oops - 11/5/2015 16:40 - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

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By streeted - 18/9/2010 14:27 - United States

Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By fuckedup - 13/11/2009 19:13 - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 20:00

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

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By Nic - 22/7/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

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By trees - 24/7/2013 16:44 - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By victoriassecret - 3/3/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML

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By YeahWhatOkay - 9/2/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I looked at the facebook of the girl I really liked, and I saw she wrote on her friend's wall "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML

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By Richocet - 18/5/2009 00:35 - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By Lameartist - 12/2/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 11:23 - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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By Laviolette - 23/2/2012 22:01 - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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By LiveGuard - 28/3/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

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By Anon - 12/1/2012 19:24 - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

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By joi9496 - 1/1/2018 01:30

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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By TiredMom - 16/2/2012 21:42 - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

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By EK - 16/2/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML

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By Annie - 24/2/2011 06:39 - United States

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

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Top comments

By carrs2154 | 9

#7889374 - Saturday 14 March 2020 1:01

Really? That's how you react? ydi

By KittenShitz | 12

#7889379 - Saturday 14 March 2020 1:11

Piece of shit

COMMENTS

By carrs2154 | 9

#7889374 - Saturday 14 March 2020 1:01

Really? That's how you react? ydi

By KittenShitz | 12

#7889379 - Saturday 14 March 2020 1:11

Piece of shit

By Deathc0re21 | 7

#7889382 - Saturday 14 March 2020 1:54

𝒽𝒾𝓁𝒶𝓇𝒾ℴ𝓊𝓈

By RichardPencil | 28

#7889386 - Saturday 14 March 2020 2:11

Sounds like someone subconsciously hates keeping fish.

By weeping_willow | 25

#7889395 - Saturday 14 March 2020 3:40

Jesus Christ please don’t have children

Reply

weazle | 13

#7889443 - Saturday 14 March 2020 9:02

I never understood how people could equate these moments to having children

Reply

MitiMiki | 16

#7889482 - Saturday 14 March 2020 10:57

I think the message here is "please don't breed for the sake of the gene pool".

By ViviMage | 38

#7889412 - Saturday 14 March 2020 7:28

Always put the fish in another container like a clean drinking glass first.

At least it didn't suffer as long as you will.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7889440 - Saturday 14 March 2020 8:56

who drains a fishbowl with the fish still inside???

By MitiMiki | 16

#7889481 - Saturday 14 March 2020 10:56

You aren't to bright, are you?

Reply

therealtruman | 7

#7889504 - Saturday 14 March 2020 12:43

'too'....how embarrassing eh?

By Axelle_fml | 18

#7889517 - Saturday 14 March 2020 13:50

Who allowed you to keep animals ? Poor fish, especially if it was living in a fishbow. ydi

By 123Puppy | 30

#7889587 - Saturday 14 March 2020 18:54

Wow...Poor fish :’(