Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

1561

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

Serious times

Out of it

They're everywhere

By shitballs_911 - United Kingdom

39277

12301

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

By sammyxoxo - Canada

36675

2756

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

21797

4615

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

By Quicky5_ - United States - Jasper

31064

2471

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27813

3225

Today, at work, a little boy shyly told his mom he thought I was cute. I smiled at him as she looked me up and down and said to him, "Eww, honey. No, you do not!" FML

By Anonymous - United States

37751

3153

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

By anonymous

2106

3394

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

By janegeorge - Canada - Kanata

31372

3804

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

By blower - United States

44724

9266

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

By poupi - France

25417

6910

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

31679

2273

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

By anon - United Kingdom - London

28664

2338

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

By vstan - United States

39368

5102

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

11683

1020

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

By haileelouxxx - Australia - Brisbane

45520

5410

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

By ananomus - United States

35055

5852

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

By sam - 2/12/2020 23:01

Connecting people

841

117

Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML

By Anonymous

5461

397

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

By Sean - United States

35417

3313

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

By feiedbutter - Canada - Ottawa

65729

20618

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

By Anonymous - Belgium

13023

1156

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

By anon - United States

32577

7114

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30188

3124

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and cant get medication to fix this. FML

By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

You learn something new every day

462

661

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

By Anonymous

#notyourmaid

5416

343

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

By Ima in Hungary - United States - Silsbee

26700

2582

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

By FailureAtLife121 - United States

10116

52115

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

By bun593 - United States

25180

16174

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

47612

8869

Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to sky dive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML

By PartTimePrincess - United States

50087

4144

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

By sad life - United States

29483

4797

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

By foreveralone - United Kingdom - Cardiff

19705

23353

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

By russianfail - United States - Dallas

41361

16633

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

By truecountrybitch - 9/5/2020 23:00

Anger management

1444

191

Today, I found out that my three closest online friends are the same person: my obsessive ex. I met all three before he and I even started dating. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Lakeland

45101

5684

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Redding

20945

1543

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

By Anonymous - United States

Not now

27054

2591

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

By padre74 - United States - Jackson

11263

2374

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

By awkwardpineapples - United States - Birmingham

32771

2608

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

27417

4437