By newly single teetotaler - 23/10/2020 23:01

Cute trick, asshole

Today, the guy I've been seeing decided to "test the theory" that I can't drink alcohol due to a liver condition by mixing some into my drinks. He then complained that my ceaseless vomiting made his bathroom smell bad, and only took me to hospital when I started having a seizure. FML

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Father material

The road to hell…

TMI

By billjoebob424 - Canada

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By theybitchaboutgnomesbutnotthis?? - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML

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By lamortdeshommes - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

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By Stupid - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I finally had the confidence to show my girlfriend my hairy chest/stomach. I'm very self conscious about it, and get embarrassed easily. She said I looked disgusting, called me Chewbacca and broke up with me on the spot. FML

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By dickwebs - Germany

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

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By junkie - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By shelbylove115 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

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By Daddo - United States - Elkhart

Call CPS!

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

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By JCC - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

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By oh for f*cks sake - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML

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By RWW - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

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By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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By ihaveissues

Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML

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By

Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

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By someone - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents insisted that despite the fact I've just turned sixteen, I have to save them money by ordering from the children's menu, because I "still look like a twelve year old". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By PissedbythePiper - United States - Saukville

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

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By abbshows - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By Still Waiting - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By zAstonish - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By Overlord247 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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By depressednupset - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By AloneForChristmas

Today... I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7hrs away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room... FML

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By What? - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By 6boss - France

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

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By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/7/2020 08:01

Fucknut

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

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By snarly1 - United States

Today, my boss asked me what language I was speaking. I was clearly speaking English, but apparently, "indifferent" is too big a word for him to understand. I don't know how he got into a management position. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winona

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

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By Milly

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

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By weaknesspersonified - Austria

Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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Top comments

By Bogrbon | 20

#7947180 - Friday 23 October 2020 23:08

“Today the guy that I‘be been seeing got arrested by the cops for assault and battery by attempting to poison me with alcohol me despite my repeated warnings that I would end up in the hospital due to a liver condition.”

By samomaha | 17

#7947183 - Friday 23 October 2020 23:43

I agree with Bogrbon. You need to tell the police this story.

COMMENTS

By Bogrbon | 20

#7947180 - Friday 23 October 2020 23:08

“Today the guy that I‘be been seeing got arrested by the cops for assault and battery by attempting to poison me with alcohol me despite my repeated warnings that I would end up in the hospital due to a liver condition.”

By samomaha | 17

#7947183 - Friday 23 October 2020 23:43

I agree with Bogrbon. You need to tell the police this story.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7947187 - Friday 23 October 2020 23:51

Your ex now, right?

Reply

lev | 9

#7947254 - Saturday 24 October 2020 8:13

yes. it's in the nickname.

By tounces7 | 27

#7947191 - Friday 23 October 2020 23:59

An immediate dumping and a police call are in order. Hopefully you told the Doctor what happened.

By Brightside86 | 21

#7947204 - Saturday 24 October 2020 2:08

Wonder what those "you deserved it" clicks are about.

Reply

Hangryko | 17

#7947227 - Saturday 24 October 2020 5:11

I would hope most of them clicked YDI accidentally. As for the rest who clicked it on purpose, they're idiots.

Reply

lev | 9

#7947256 - Saturday 24 October 2020 8:15

I wonder about that in most FMLs

By Briarpatch | 20

#7947216 - Saturday 24 October 2020 3:30

DTMFA

By diraven | 10

#7947219 - Saturday 24 October 2020 3:53

Science!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7947225 - Saturday 24 October 2020 4:45

Are you dating Putin?

By Hangryko | 17

#7947229 - Saturday 24 October 2020 5:12

I know many have said this already but call the police. What he did was not okay or even legal.

By Warp1978 | 9

#7947310 - Saturday 24 October 2020 13:48

This is aggravated assault, he may not have hit you but he maliciously poisoned you. There's a jail term in his future if you press charges.