Miscellaneous: Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes... - FML

By x.x - United States - Tampa

Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Age ain't nothing but a number

Honesty is the best policy

By xharuki - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before close (2am) and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

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By PissedOff

Today, my husband sent me a short video of my snoring last night because I wanted to hear how bad I sound. The first few seconds went by OK, but for the rest of the clip I could barely hear anything else over the sound of my husband taking a long piss in our bathroom. FML

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By chris - 5/5/2020 14:00

Frustration level 100

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

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By ouch

Scratch that

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

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By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

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By p0isonOreo68 - 8/11/2020 08:03

Alexa, play "These Things Take Time" by The Smiths

Today, I broke my glasses, so I scheduled an appointment to get a new pair. The soonest available appointment? November 21st. FML

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By dumbbus - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

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By Justin - 25/7/2020 20:00

Awwww, how sweet!

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By heretoserve - United States - Winchester

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

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By Jack - United States - Minneapolis

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

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By 4fingerdiscount - United States - Knoxville

Today, my bitch of a boss sent out a group text saying she'd had a chainsaw accident and lost the tips of 4 of her fingers and would be out indefinitely. When I told my boyfriend, his immediate response was to grab my phone and reply "I'm stumped, I don't know what to say." She hasn't responded yet. FML

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By deepblue - United States

Today, we ordered pizza. A long wait and several phone calls later, we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway, signed our receipt, and stole our pizza. Way to check the credit card pizza people. FML

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By ouchmynose - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

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By fish killer - Canada

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

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By cole - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said "hey I love your jacket, where'd you get that?". I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere". FML

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By datingablonde - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

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By crushed - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

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By Erasmus - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

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By Weirdo - 22/11/2020 08:02

Technologically challenged

Today, once again, my mom chewed me out for, “playing games on the computer all day.” I’m not playing, it’s 3D modeling, and it’s my job. FML

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By keelah - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was pouring boiling water into a cup, and I accidentally spilled it all over my hand. My mother responded by slapping me for getting water everywhere. My hand is scorched red, but thanks, I love you too, mother. FML

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By ow

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

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By Username - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in every room of the house. It had then rubbed its butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I went to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

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By anonymous - 17/7/2020 08:00

The apple of my eye

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by bringing him some dinner. He made the same noise unwrapping the burger that he does when he sees me naked. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. FML

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By nikaea - United States - Everett

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

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By FMluck - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By ringrash - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I finally went to the doctor's office to have a small patch of acne on my stomach looked at. Since it was in an almost perfect circle and abnormally sensitive, I was worried it could be ringworm or some other sort of skin infection. It turned out to be an infection alright. Herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, after months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of my dreams told me about this awesome guy she met yesterday. FML

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By awkward - United States - Oakland

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

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By Nick - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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By randomjulz - United States

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After saying no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

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By x0SoReckless0x - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

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By Pfff - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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By minty - United States

Today, after days of being too sick to leave my house, I went to get some medicine. While picking out cough drops, an old man leaned over and said, "You smell quite delicious today". I haven't showered and the only "perfume" I'm wearing is VapoRub. FML

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Top comments

By itwasthedognotme | 14

#5999754 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

That image probably burnt your eyes more than the soap...

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5999766 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:34

I think we have a winner for next weeks ILLUSTRATED FML.

COMMENTS

By outthelabyrynth | 21

#5999751 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:30

Ah, that's just bad luck. Sorry OP :(

Reply

Starponer | 7

#5999812 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:34

what does "OP " mean?

Reply

ukeandfoodislife | 19

#5999815 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:36

44: octopus penis duh

Reply

ThomasBombadil | 31

#5999817 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:37

Optimus Prime!

Reply

tartar18 | 21

#5999818 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:40

original poster

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5999822 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:45

Orange pussy

Reply

ndaguanno | 16

#6000198 - Monday 7 July 2014 2:44

Original poster #44

By CB_LAZ3 | 11

#5999752 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:30

Oh god please no

Reply

Blaisey | 22

#5999905 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:48

Your picture makes that comment even worse

By SemiAuto | 21

#5999753 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

At least you got the soap out of your eyes?

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5999796 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:06

Id rather have soap in my eyes than my dad's old ball sweat.

That's just me though.....

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5999829 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:08

It's unlikely she even did. Only way to properly get soap out is to rinse with water...clean or dirty cloth, this was always a stupid idea.

Reply

JennaNGood | 21

#6000201 - Monday 7 July 2014 2:48

Yeah she got the soap out, and ushered in some pink eye in the process.

Reply

trell000 | 13

#6000587 - Monday 7 July 2014 9:47

Or shit stains...

By itwasthedognotme | 14

#5999754 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

That image probably burnt your eyes more than the soap...

By cina5 | 19

#5999755 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

At least your eyes aren't burning anymore. Lol

Reply

blake1015 | 24

#5999765 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:34

I don't think we can know that for sure.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5999771 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:35

Thanks Blake

Reply

AnonymousFunFMLs | 18

#5999775 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:36

Whether or not OP got the soap out of their eyes, I'm not 100% sure they're feeling better...

Reply

Helpfulman | 17

#6000399 - Monday 7 July 2014 5:36

OP might have tore out his eyes after seeing that.

By TaylorWhiteGirl | 15

#5999756 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

Shouldn't you have had a towel nearby?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#5999916 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:56

why would you want to use a cloth/towel anyway? wouldn't washing it out with water be the most logical solution?

Reply

dragonrider1959 | 18

#5999926 - Sunday 6 July 2014 22:01

Logic goes out the window when soap is in your eyes

By azyjazy713 | 11

#5999757 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:32

Definitely a wtf freak-out moment. At least you could wash it off quickly in the shower. Time to invest in a laundry hamper

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#6000045 - Sunday 6 July 2014 23:42

Think OP's dad uses the same kind of laundry hamper I do. Corner of the Room brand.

By gjikvtj | 18

#5999758 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:32

I bet you were panting you were so angry

Reply

leary96 | 15

#5999826 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:56

Except for the fact that humans don't pant

Reply

rabechan | 17

#5999903 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:47

Humans can pant, dear

By cdgrayson | 21

#5999759 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:32

Well that's not too shitty, I hope...

Reply

JBChristian | 46

#6000303 - Monday 7 July 2014 4:26

Of course it was shitty. Shitty enough to cover for and loose any and all of the collection of shitty jokes for the rest of FML history.

By JessieTaft | 17

#5999760 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:33

I'm so sorry OP