Miscellaneous: Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes... - FML

By x.x - United States - Tampa

Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML

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Sorry…

They're everywhere

Teenagers, amirite?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

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By - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

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By Annon - Australia

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rowlett

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Campinas

Today, while mourning my friend's recent passing, my dad told me to shut the fuck up because "worse things are going on in the world". FML

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By wtf did I do - United States

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

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By Starving Student - United States - Tacoma

Today, I got a ticket for panhandling to get gas money so that I could both drive out to a job interview AND still have enough gas to pick up my dad. Apparently, these particular cops had nothing better to do than harass me for standing quietly next to a freeway entrance with a silly sign. FML

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By lala - United States

Red circle gang

Today, my boyfriend and I were flipping through magazines and got on the topic of how airbrushed the girls were. My boyfriend then pointed out all of the flaws on my body that would need to be airbrushed away if I was in a magazine. FML

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By PghSportsNation - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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By sadmother - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

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By roberto - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

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By kirbykylestorm

Online Dating = Brutal

Today, I realised just how lonely I am. After using Tinder for about a week, I got my first match. I said hi while I was in class since I was excited, but by the time I'd gotten back home, she'd unmatched me. I've never felt so hurt by a complete stranger before. FML

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By Garrett - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

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By Skido - United States

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML

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By MikeyPeters - United States

Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

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By chels

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML

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By OH COME ON - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

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By Rejected - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

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By caphis - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By Mark - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I was feeling terrible so I called in sick to work. My boss refused to believe me and told me he'd fire me if I didn't come in. I dragged myself to work, only to spend most of the day glued to the toilet. Now he says I won't be paid for the day because I barely did any work. FML

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By firsttimer69 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

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By alf - France

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By burntloyalty - United States

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

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By Amanda Howard

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in poison ivy. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By techiefIve - United States

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

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By Arsinoe - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

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By Slayeddd - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By SweetStuff88 - United States

Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

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By maddie! - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

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Top comments

By itwasthedognotme | 14

#5999754 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

That image probably burnt your eyes more than the soap...

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5999766 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:34

I think we have a winner for next weeks ILLUSTRATED FML.

COMMENTS

By outthelabyrynth | 21

#5999751 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:30

Ah, that's just bad luck. Sorry OP :(

Reply

Starponer | 7

#5999812 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:34

what does "OP " mean?

Reply

ukeandfoodislife | 19

#5999815 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:36

44: octopus penis duh

Reply

ThomasBombadil | 31

#5999817 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:37

Optimus Prime!

Reply

tartar18 | 21

#5999818 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:40

original poster

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5999822 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:45

Orange pussy

Reply

ndaguanno | 17

#6000198 - Monday 7 July 2014 2:44

Original poster #44

By CB_LAZ3 | 11

#5999752 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:30

Oh god please no

Reply

Blaisey | 22

#5999905 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:48

Your picture makes that comment even worse

By SemiAuto | 21

#5999753 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

At least you got the soap out of your eyes?

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5999796 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:06

Id rather have soap in my eyes than my dad's old ball sweat.

That's just me though.....

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5999829 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:08

It's unlikely she even did. Only way to properly get soap out is to rinse with water...clean or dirty cloth, this was always a stupid idea.

Reply

JennaNGood | 21

#6000201 - Monday 7 July 2014 2:48

Yeah she got the soap out, and ushered in some pink eye in the process.

Reply

trell000 | 13

#6000587 - Monday 7 July 2014 9:47

Or shit stains...

By itwasthedognotme | 14

#5999754 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

That image probably burnt your eyes more than the soap...

By cina5 | 19

#5999755 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

At least your eyes aren't burning anymore. Lol

Reply

blake1015 | 24

#5999765 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:34

I don't think we can know that for sure.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#5999771 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:35

Thanks Blake

Reply

AnonymousFunFMLs | 18

#5999775 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:36

Whether or not OP got the soap out of their eyes, I'm not 100% sure they're feeling better...

Reply

Helpfulman | 17

#6000399 - Monday 7 July 2014 5:36

OP might have tore out his eyes after seeing that.

By TaylorWhiteGirl | 15

#5999756 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:31

Shouldn't you have had a towel nearby?

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#5999916 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:56

why would you want to use a cloth/towel anyway? wouldn't washing it out with water be the most logical solution?

Reply

dragonrider1959 | 18

#5999926 - Sunday 6 July 2014 22:01

Logic goes out the window when soap is in your eyes

By azyjazy713 | 11

#5999757 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:32

Definitely a wtf freak-out moment. At least you could wash it off quickly in the shower. Time to invest in a laundry hamper

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#6000045 - Sunday 6 July 2014 23:42

Think OP's dad uses the same kind of laundry hamper I do. Corner of the Room brand.

By gjikvtj | 18

#5999758 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:32

I bet you were panting you were so angry

Reply

leary96 | 15

#5999826 - Sunday 6 July 2014 20:56

Except for the fact that humans don't pant

Reply

rabechan | 17

#5999903 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:47

Humans can pant, dear

By cdgrayson | 21

#5999759 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:32

Well that's not too shitty, I hope...

Reply

JBChristian | 46

#6000303 - Monday 7 July 2014 4:26

Of course it was shitty. Shitty enough to cover for and loose any and all of the collection of shitty jokes for the rest of FML history.

By JessieTaft | 17

#5999760 - Sunday 6 July 2014 19:33

I'm so sorry OP