By Marymary

Kids say the dumbest things…

Today, my cousins and I were walking past bars, choosing one go to. I recently got my hair cut short and thought it was cute. A little boy walking beside us looked at me and said, "Are you a boy?" His mother shushed him and said, "No dear, she's just flat-chested." FML

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Family values

Assumption Day

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By loveurlifejk - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

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By luciazee - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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By TheJoker - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

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By Gemma - 7/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Kids are hard work

Today, I realised my boyfriend is only nice to my son to make me happy. Turns out he hates children and will only do the minimum interaction with my 4-year-old son he can get away with, until he can fabricate an excuse to leave the room. FML

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By Should I stay or go? - United States - Seattle

Today, I was supposed to hear from my supervisor about whether or not my company was going to be letting me go. I've been on continual probation for the last 6 months, waiting to hear when they'll decide. She'd said last Friday that I'd definitely hear from her today. It's now 5:30 p.m. She's gone home. FML

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By SheenaL - United States

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

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By Stinky - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By

Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By Clumsy - United States - Millville

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chillicothe

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By NoThanksGrandma

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

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By Fifi

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

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By NotSoSexy - United States

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

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By bleeding - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

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By Incompetent - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

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By Jim

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By redcherries90 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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By Painfulfaceforme - Canada

Today, I followed an acne treatment. It was only after I'd finished the treatment that I read the bottom line, stating "Do not scrub your face". I only had one pimple to start with, now it looks like I sandpapered my face. FML

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By say my name

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

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By Hungry - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By ktwithaq - United States

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

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By Teenagemum

Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML

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By HouseWife - United States - Valley Park

Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML

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By Nothingonyou - France

Today, it was my birthday. But instead of a decent surprise, my friends decided to smash a cake on my face and unhook my dress, while taking a video of it. In a public shopping mall. FML

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By EnglishLearner - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

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By 99Problemsandfml - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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By tbalboa - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

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By DamnHippieSoap - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

The World won't Listen

Today, I went round to see a friend who recently had a heart attack and was finding it difficult to shop for herself. She complained about the food being "too healthy" and wanted bags of chips and frozen rubbish instead. Her being overweight directly caused her heart attack. FML

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By Pouya - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

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By smoothmove - United States

Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

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By musicgod123 - France

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

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By James - 16/4/2020 08:00

Anxious

Today, I began worrying I have social anxiety, all because while getting dressed I convinced myself that everyone would talk about me behind my back if I wore a striped shirt. FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7837097 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 21:41

Kids say the dumbest things yes, but their parents sometimes say the stupidest things and should shut up.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7837112 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 22:17

I'll bet that kid really feels like a boob!

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7837097 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 21:41

Kids say the dumbest things yes, but their parents sometimes say the stupidest things and should shut up.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7837112 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 22:17

I'll bet that kid really feels like a boob!

Reply

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7837123 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 23:02

No, Richard, I doubt that the little boy still breastfeeds if he's now able to talk.... ;-)
[/s]

By Spootage | 4

#7837232 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 9:18

I’ve read this four times and I’m still not actually sure if you are male or female.

By chevyz | 2

#7837272 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 12:08

this is EXACTLY why women shouldn't have short hair.

Reply

Hempseed | 23

#7837440 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 20:14

I'm a woman, I've had my head shaved three times this year in the last couple months.

Fight me, bitch.