Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband told me that the only reason he took up jogging 4 years ago was because my mother moved in next door to us and he knew it would kill my sex drive. We haven’t had sex in 4 years. FML
Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML
Today, I found out that I bought a house next door to crazy people. She asked me if I would mind not showering when her husband is at home, because he can hear me and knowing I’m naked on the other side of the wall turns him on, which is a nuisance for her. He’s unemployed. He’s always at home, the creep. FML
Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML
Today, I just moved to a new house so I was looking for new jogging routes. I ended up in an area I was unaware was a big dogging hotspot. Two couples invited me to threesomes, and when I said no and tried to leave, I had stones and litter thrown at me. FML
Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML
Today, I attempted a casual jog in my neighborhood. Halfway through, my shoelace snapped, and I tripped, skidding across someone’s lawn. The homeowner rushed out, not to help, but to ask why I was “attacking” their grass. FML
Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML
Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML
Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML
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Top comments
kayladance101 13
Well if his wife wont have sex with him, maybe she'll do it with you! Give it a try :)
cooperd52 6
That's assault. Why dont you report him?
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Comments (183)
GuitarGeek44 3
Also, buy a tazer
icic6772 0
Buy a shotgun For home defense Pump action is best
OsirisFaction_fml 5
Time to move.
bntilley 2
report him!!
J_Atler 1
That's the best idea
hebron77 0
Send him to jail.
beezleboss2010 3
Grab some brass knucks...ring his door, make sure he answers, deck him in the mouth Now he looks like a hobo. Not your fault any more!
moros1388 4
Charge his ass with assault.
Dante17 6
Don't get intimidated by somebody that forgot the skills to attract his wife
asktherunes 4
That assault. Next time use your cell phone to call the police & grow some balls.