By Mightytall

It's always when your hands are full that your nose starts to itch

Today, I found the perfect position on the couch, both feet up comfortably and my two cats curled up in my lap. Then, my foot started to itch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1215

You deserved it

214

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Season finale

White line fever

You've got some explaining to do

By essay2 - United States

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15173

You deserved it

83133

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By worried - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17655

You deserved it

55109

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38607

You deserved it

2769

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24915

You deserved it

2480

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By Pissed - New Zealand

Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42283

You deserved it

4267

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tartu

Today, at the hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15311

You deserved it

957

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By shiftybizniss - Canada

Today, I tried to sneak up on my girlfriend who was sitting in her car with one of her girlfriends. I snuck up to the driver's side window and tried to startle her by banging on the window. The window was down. My thumb went right in her eye. She has to wear a patch for 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16155

You deserved it

69183

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By yourmainman - Canada

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55672

You deserved it

15842

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By Bart - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28239

You deserved it

3487

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

PUA

Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25171

You deserved it

2205

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By search_me - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54835

You deserved it

3282

Favorite

By 30000 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28025

You deserved it

12862

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 08:08

Like what you see?

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

700

You deserved it

1389

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By DrugsRX - United States - Winder

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29041

You deserved it

3851

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By Photos - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48614

You deserved it

4661

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By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22962

You deserved it

5451

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38757

You deserved it

15486

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20139

You deserved it

3127

Favorite

By stuckass - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20868

You deserved it

1493

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By sad guy - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58177

You deserved it

3092

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By confusing - Zimbabwe

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47868

You deserved it

6812

Favorite

By rainyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36931

You deserved it

6284

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44689

You deserved it

3568

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 05:00

Battery

Today, at work, I was talking to a colleague about what the worst pain he ever experienced was. He said his was being bitten by a dog, and I said I didn't know. Next thing, I was kicked in the balls from a behind by another work colleague. She said, "What about that?" I agreed, it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1594

You deserved it

191

Favorite

By redeye - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40554

You deserved it

2439

Favorite

By Jota

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4144

You deserved it

349

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30925

You deserved it

3173

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4693

You deserved it

294

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35283

You deserved it

5192

Favorite

By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4043

You deserved it

303

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26680

You deserved it

7756

Favorite

By nosleeptilpissoff - United States

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34309

You deserved it

6365

Favorite

By fuck you - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36135

You deserved it

3712

Favorite

By nattnatt73 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14748

You deserved it

1848

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44769

You deserved it

5332

Favorite

By beardedlady - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said "It turns him on." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49918

You deserved it

5207

Favorite

By avatarnicole9 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29848

You deserved it

2922

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4401

You deserved it

961

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1475

You deserved it

250

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I kissed a boy I have liked since the first day of university. I was thrilled until he followed it with, "Right, I don't think we should tell anyone this happened. Not that they'd believe it anyway." He then patted my ass and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42027

You deserved it

4658

Favorite

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7848869 - Sunday 6 October 2019 3:54

Scratch it with your other foot?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7848834 - Saturday 5 October 2019 22:44

Live with the pain! You don't want to disturb your kitties, do you?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7848834 - Saturday 5 October 2019 22:44

Live with the pain! You don't want to disturb your kitties, do you?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7848869 - Sunday 6 October 2019 3:54

Scratch it with your other foot?

By kendonmcb | 18

#7849231 - Monday 7 October 2019 13:45

God how I wish that this was my biggest problem. And usually I consider my life going quite well.