Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night...

By winner winner chicken dinner - 26/9/2018 05:00

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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Money

Instadrama

Everyone's an expert

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

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By Andrew - 23/8/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

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By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2014 19:06 - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 20:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

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By thegoldenboy3 - 12/2/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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By Fred - 20/3/2015 01:06 - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 10:50 - United States

Today, I found myself actively concerned about what the characters from "Will and Grace" have been doing since the show went off the air. FML

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By Moosh - 1/1/2010 11:12 - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 18:00

Today, my walk of shame may have been caught by the Google car. FML

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By ThatsIncentive - 15/12/2016 01:59 - United States - Granite Bay

Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML

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By FML - 29/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

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By Ishikur - 3/2/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 00:30

Today, I realised just how lazy I am, when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

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By pizzaface - 15/3/2010 11:50 - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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By inalotofpain - 16/4/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

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By arekusa - 23/6/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

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By namehere34 - 29/12/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - 14/3/2016 04:32 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By Live02Dance - 25/6/2011 12:58 - United States

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

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By Addicted2FML303 - 6/12/2010 22:50 - United States

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

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By sonotsuave - 4/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

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By undoable - 8/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 02:06 - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2018 18:30

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw I had 2 kids she wanted to know why I bothered since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 19:35 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - 13/5/2014 21:02 - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By deadfish - 3/10/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, my 9 year old little sister is coming back in town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2013 17:03 - United States - Norman

Today, my doorknob broke. While trying to impress my dad and show that I can fix things for girls, I somehow managed to lock myself in my room, with the doorknob on the other side of the door. When my dad finally heard my screams, he let me out. He had to take the whole door off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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By SakuraBreeze - 26/9/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

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By juvenile friends suck - 10/1/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

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By Embarassed - 15/3/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

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By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By My__life___ - 21/5/2014 00:53 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By appleville - 10/2/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By theuglyone - 22/8/2013 03:00 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I was told that I looked like a Kardashian by a total stranger. Flattered, I asked which one. His response? "I don't know, the ugly one." FML

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Top comments

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#7699243 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 5:08

Ah Bingo. One of the ways to make sweet old ladies say the F word.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7699245 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 5:21

B- Begging to daub
I- I have one spot left!
N-Noooo!
G- G*ddamn
O- Owning my $8 win

And Bingo is it's name-O!

Comments

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#7699243 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 5:08

Ah Bingo. One of the ways to make sweet old ladies say the F word.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7699245 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 5:21

B- Begging to daub
I- I have one spot left!
N-Noooo!
G- G*ddamn
O- Owning my $8 win

And Bingo is it's name-O!

By Ih8teenageangst | 19

#7699249 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 5:45

Ahhh now I get it, it's a profit deal!

By Isamermaid | 16

#7699302 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 8:15

85 other winners? Jesus, where do you play bingo at?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7699342 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 9:07

Funnily, a chicken dinner does cost around $8!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7699489 - Wednesday 26 September 2018 14:06

Oh I love playing car bingo. Go buy some candy for your win, you deserve it!

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7699826 - Thursday 27 September 2018 1:48

You should have received $8.81 at least then, assuming it was split perfectly evenly...

By Justin Allan Bannister | 9

#7699859 - Thursday 27 September 2018 3:39

invest your winnings at mcdonalds

By Matt Laraway | 4

#7700261 - Thursday 27 September 2018 16:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7752842 - Monday 14 January 2019 5:43

Welp you can buy some chipotle lol