Intimacy: Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were... - FML

14/04/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Spicy

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 653

You deserved it 4 052

Our house, in the middle of our street

Best teeth in the game

Time for a change

23/06/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 954

You deserved it 580

05/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/suprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 430

You deserved it 44 847

30/07/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 776

You deserved it 4 531

16/01/2015 18:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to an increasingly angry lady that no, she couldn't get an ultrasound by using a referral letter from her psychic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 647

You deserved it 3 101

15/03/2012 07:53 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 12 983

05/06/2015 13:42 - United States - Kent

Today, after telling my mom that I'll be going to Las Vegas with my dad for my 21st birthday, she started ranting about how my dad always wanted to abort me and that she was the only one who actually wanted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 692

You deserved it 2 269

Where's the beef?

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 14:03

Today, I was supposed to be let the bull out of the trailer and head straight home. Someone didn't latch the gate, so it just walked through between pastures. The bull and a cow went through, a horse broke into the cow lot, and another horse had a meltdown and wiped out in mud after trying to jump the fence. I don't like beef cattle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 127

12/07/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 066

You deserved it 4 749

27/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 202

You deserved it 4 165

06/07/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 129

You deserved it 29 005

08/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 768

You deserved it 1 773

02/03/2016 20:46 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 960

You deserved it 1 517

08/05/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 935

You deserved it 7 709

15/08/2018 15:00

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 847

You deserved it 361

28/09/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 202

You deserved it 2 473

06/06/2017 22:00

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 775

You deserved it 614

11/10/2016 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 316

You deserved it 2 337

18/10/2011 04:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 778

You deserved it 6 369

21/01/2009 10:03 - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 026

You deserved it 48 848

27/06/2016 18:09 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being constipated a few days, I used the restroom at a bar. It took a loooong time before I got out. As I went to exit the bar, only the employees were still there, waiting for me because they had closed 30 minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 630

You deserved it 2 701

Mother knows best

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 12:01 - United States - Phoenix

Today, while visiting my parents, I observed that I've been able to visit more often because I've avoided getting sick the whole year. My mother responded by reminding me that I need to get my act together if I'm going to lose weight and get healthier. Not the reaction I hoped for, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 93

24/06/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 379

You deserved it 4 598

05/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 238

You deserved it 1 000

26/10/2011 14:14 - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 747

You deserved it 50 189

23/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 916

You deserved it 227

Nutfirecracker

By Akashi - 22/07/2020 14:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and his legs were on my lap. We heard a loud firework from somewhere outside our window, we both jumped and I felt the pain of him kicking me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 203

You deserved it 388

15/02/2009 09:06 - United States

Today, I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smart ass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 079

You deserved it 44 050

11/08/2012 23:47 - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 095

You deserved it 9 547

19/04/2017 00:00

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 362

You deserved it 319

02/02/2010 14:08 - Australia

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 994

You deserved it 3 815

13/11/2010 22:34 - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza online to be delivered to my apartment. After an hour of waiting, I called the pizza place to ask what the problem was. Apparently, the people at the apartment below me took my already paid for pizza and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 3 073

15/08/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 570

You deserved it 48 714

09/02/2010 14:26 - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 180

You deserved it 7 390

20/01/2016 14:27 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 750

You deserved it 3 682

03/01/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 997

You deserved it 4 888

30/09/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 428

You deserved it 2 862

22/04/2014 15:26 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 723

You deserved it 3 601

Dick move

By Gabby - 14/06/2021 04:01

Today, a police officer showed up to my house and informed me that my boyfriend was killed in an accident. Later, I found out it was a prank set up by a friend. He thought faking his death would be easier than confessing that he was leaving me for someone else. He didn’t want to see me get "upset". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 50

05/10/2012 09:47 - Malta - Paola

Today, as an introduction to the history of China, I asked my APA World History class to write a 500 word essay on a historical Chinese person. Out of a class of 18, five of them were about Mulan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 952

You deserved it 5 012

27/06/2015 00:57

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 101

You deserved it 7 378

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:27

So you could say he was choking the chicken, eh?

invadermaythe1st 35

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:07

#31 the comments were posted at the exact same time.

Comments

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:27

So you could say he was choking the chicken, eh?

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:00

Don't expect to get liked for saying the same thing as #1

invadermaythe1st 35

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:07

#31 the comments were posted at the exact same time.

Daevas 18

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Wednesday 15 April 2015 23:36

Great minds think alike ...

gear4 29

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:28

just wondering if he exploded at you after this

socialproduct 19

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 21:12

Considering the context... hopefully not.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:29

if he was back why wasnt he feeding his own chickens??

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 19:58

My best guess would be that the owner was lying. I could be wrong though

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 21:25

"Guess ho found the neighbor home early" OP didn't know their neighbor was home and maybe the neighbor already fed the chickens and OP didn't know.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 23:06

yeah i re read it after i posted it and realised thats what was said... the neighbour could have had the decency to let them know he wasnt needed to feed the chickens anymore...

mustangbravo 27

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:29

Bummer! You can't erase that from your mind.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:29

Did you help him play with his peckers?

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:33

He has more than one?

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:44

Of course, that's why OP was over there! He/she had to feed them.

keeyun 11

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:31

He wanted you feed the chickens while he choked his.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:34

*insert masturbation joke here*

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:15

so funny, howd you come up with that one?

jerryj 27

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Wednesday 15 April 2015 8:29

Probably by overworking his single braincell.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:37

They owe you free chicken for the rest of the year for you to eat, so you can afford to go to therapy to wipe that scene from your brain.

HappyItalian 38

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:38

Guess that cock got him up early.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:47

hopefully he brought you brain bleach as a thank you present, for looking after his fowl....

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

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Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 29

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

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You deserved it 456