Intimacy: Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were...

By Lebac - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

Gas giant

By oogabooga9

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By bluebelle - Australia

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

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By a7xforever - United Kingdom

Today, I got to my weekly drama group a bit late. Everyone looked surprised when I walked in. Casually, I sat down and apologised for being late. I thought everyone looked awkward, probably because it turned out I'd been kicked out of the group. The teacher had decided to announce it before making sure I'd got the email. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

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By dahlia87 - United States

Today, I got an email from the Law School Admissions Council saying that they received my request for my LSAT cancellation and they are confirming that it has been cancelled. The email also said the score will not be reinstated for any reason. I never requested for my score to be cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By Brilee Bruxvoort - 25/12/2020 09:58 - United States - West Des Moines

Revenge

Today, after I divorced my husband because of his extreme alcoholism, he's now sober and got his life together and I see the man I fell madly in love with. Apparently, getting better for revenge meant more than getting better for the marriage. FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By a faint recollection - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

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By Boo

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By prdept. - France

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy. It was going great until his 6-year-old brother walked in and screamed so loudly it brought both of his parents running. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to slowly explain to my slightly ditzy roommate that no, I will not grow testicles due to taking testosterone supplements. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

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By Sad elf - Australia - Brookfield

Today, after weeks of tirelessly organising a Secret Santa with work colleagues, we finally exchanged gifts. I got a stapler, which had been stolen from my desk the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By Anonymous

Corolla Conspiracy

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

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By tmrwsmggls - 16/11/2020 14:01 - United States

Joe Bidet

Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By STOPTHENOISE - United States - Jefferson

Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML

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By xxx

Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML

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By beautifulme - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

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By lagirl - United States

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

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By mariana - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

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By Almost Fired

Today, I got written up for insulting a customer last week, who then rang up to complain about my bad attitude. I was on vacation all last week. My boss doesn't believe me. FML

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By piliseep

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

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By jquaw - Canada - Brockville

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

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By oops123 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

I don't understand!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By AlonsoKold - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

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By Natalie - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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By cuntocracy - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 16:58

Thanks, government

Today, I'm at North Fort Hood deploying with the Army Reserves, where the motto is, "You'll prefer to be in Iraq." We're in COVID quarantine with over 100 people in our barracks. We may never get out of here. FML

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By secenteenmagazine. - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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By fashionVictim - United States

Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I'd found in a head shop is actually a cock ring. I'm a girl. FML

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Top comments

By thrifting | 18

#6262665 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:27

So you could say he was choking the chicken, eh?

By invadermaythe1st | 35

#6262753 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:07

#31 the comments were posted at the exact same time.

COMMENTS

By thrifting | 18

#6262665 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:27

So you could say he was choking the chicken, eh?

nickaa827 | 13

#6262742 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:00

Don't expect to get liked for saying the same thing as #1

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6262753 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 20:07

#31 the comments were posted at the exact same time.

Daevas | 18

#6263838 - Wednesday 15 April 2015 23:36

Great minds think alike ...

By gear4 | 29

#6262667 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:28

just wondering if he exploded at you after this

socialproduct | 19

#6262813 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 21:12

Considering the context... hopefully not.

By rachelllllb | 18

#6262669 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 18:29

if he was back why wasnt he feeding his own chickens??

DaDezza244 | 31

#6262741 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 19:58

My best guess would be that the owner was lying. I could be wrong though

Shadowvoid | 33

#6262824 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 21:25

"Guess ho found the neighbor home early" OP didn't know their neighbor was home and maybe the neighbor already fed the chickens and OP didn't know.

rachelllllb | 18

#6262878 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 23:06

yeah i re read it after i posted it and realised thats what was said... the neighbour could have had the decency to let them know he wasnt needed to feed the chickens anymore...