Health and Injury: Glassed

Glassed

By Penny - 17/10/2021 02:00

Today, I reached for my lip balm while laying in bed in the dark. I accidentally knocked my bedside lamp, and it fell on my hand and shattered. A huge glass fragment impaled my hand. I just got out of surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 125

Health Injury

Dementia or hate? You decide

Dysfunctional

Ran out

By Numbnuts - 08/03/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 293

You deserved it 38 399

On the rocks

By leogs23 - 26/01/2021 10:59

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 615

You deserved it 669

By whoops - 06/04/2017 22:00

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 638

You deserved it 2 083

By fml9124 - 31/08/2019 22:00

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 155

By Iwtumn - 17/03/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 624

You deserved it 17 217

By black and yellow - 21/01/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 766

You deserved it 45 634

By ihatemyjob - 15/08/2016 19:12

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 531

You deserved it 1 016

By ladeda - 07/03/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 387

You deserved it 6 743

By Anonymous - 09/03/2015 14:24 - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 710

You deserved it 4 825

By Shantwozzlah - 26/03/2012 16:15 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me by maniacally zooming in and out of traffic while we were on his motorcycle. His mood turned to anger when I nervously admitted to having voided my bowels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 740

You deserved it 3 566

By krissy8799 - 15/07/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 615

You deserved it 9 941

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 335

You deserved it 4 904

By Asteria - 15/11/2018 05:00

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 581

You deserved it 153

By Anonymous - 11/08/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 629

You deserved it 14 703

FEED ME

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 23:02

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 121

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 422

You deserved it 762

Where's my anvil?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 14:02

Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 82

By Anonymous - 01/02/2015 10:21 - United States

Today, my boss explained that the company will be letting me go. She got so upset that she couldn't leave her office and I had to console her. I had to make her feel less sad for laying me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 973

You deserved it 2 680

By sicksicksick - 01/06/2012 08:41 - Senegal

Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 154

You deserved it 6 884

Fucknut

By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/07/2020 08:01

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 148

Childlike

By Anonymous - 03/08/2020 20:01

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 454

By anonymous - 12/10/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 646

You deserved it 4 128

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 20:53 - United States

Today, I discovered my step mom had thrown out my baby blanket because it was an "eyesore". It was an heirloom from my birth mother and the only thing I have left from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 549

You deserved it 2 455

By Fefe - 13/07/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 666

You deserved it 18 188

By ScoobieDoo - 20/03/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 426 055

You deserved it 66 570

By figcurzyez - 23/05/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 931

You deserved it 2 297

By toobroketoprotest - 16/08/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 108

By Anonymous - 26/03/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 013

You deserved it 276

By -_- - 22/09/2013 18:00 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant I really like. As I waited on my first customer, I suggested that he try the apple pie, because it's my favourite. He looked up at me and said, "Yeah? Figures! Lay off 'em, porky!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 204

You deserved it 6 091

By Courtney - 21/07/2011 09:54 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 911

You deserved it 2 726

Demonic

By sarcastic_centipede - 09/06/2021 06:02

Today, my mom told me to take the trash out. I started to, but then I saw that the trash can had been rolled out to the curb, so I went to my room to put on shoes. My mom apparently took this as me deciding not to take the trash out, as she not only yelled at me, but growled and hissed as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 71

Zoomers zooming

By Anonymous - 26/06/2020 08:08

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 438

You deserved it 674

By cantcloselegs - 20/10/2013 12:39 - United States

Today, I was using my new curling iron to curl my hair. I was sitting down. Suddenly I dropped the iron and, as a reflex, I caught it between my bare thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 778

You deserved it 6 132

Sue! SUE!

By homelessagain - 18/02/2017 06:00 - United States - Lorain

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 709

You deserved it 413

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 090

You deserved it 30 518

By RZ - 07/03/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 925

You deserved it 7 981

By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - 05/01/2014 20:39 - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 014

You deserved it 4 946

By scammed - 29/08/2013 18:48 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 661

You deserved it 3 590

By ice4eva - 21/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 3 362

By Anonymous - 27/09/2014 23:55 - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 587

You deserved it 6 532

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RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 17 October 2021 4:13

You had your chapped lips fixed surgically? You must be so kissable now!

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RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 17 October 2021 4:13

You had your chapped lips fixed surgically? You must be so kissable now!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 19

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 555

You deserved it 160

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 241