By Stigmamma - 15/8/2020 20:02

Fragile

Today, my husband said he felt "dizzy from blood loss" after his nose started "pissing blood." After I said the tiny drop of blood from his split second nose bleed wouldn't cause dizziness, he got mad at me for "attacking his masculinity." FML

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True hero

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Doomed

By hatelife - 30/12/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

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By Username - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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By moe - 27/5/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

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By RachelVanLannen9 - 12/7/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

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By sprainedankle - 17/5/2013 20:49 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

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By How can you f*** up that bad!? - 17/2/2017 15:51 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

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By pooh anne - 26/2/2013 20:26 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2019 20:00

Today, I finally had the courage to break up with the father of my child. When I got to my parents' house, they were happy, but after explaining that I was going to spend more time with them, they called and told him that they don’t accept devolutions. FML

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By Stilljobless - 19/1/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 20:06

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

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By Postdotfuzz - 8/12/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By OhhhNooo - 14/3/2010 23:23 - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

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By silent one - 12/9/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By hendrix1 - 25/8/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

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By Bloop - 14/5/2016 00:58 - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

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By O0hdear - 27/8/2015 17:44 - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By fmlll - 28/8/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

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By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 05:00

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

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By Julie - 23/11/2011 05:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By almostkilledmyself - 29/12/2012 07:30 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

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By SickMaMa - 9/12/2014 22:39 - United States - Cortland

Today, my daughter wasn't feeling well, so we allowed her to sleep in bed with us. She snuggled right up with my husband. I felt a little jealous until she turned around and cuddled with me, just long enough to throw up all over me. She then flipped back over and snuggled with her dad. FML

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By garage - 27/1/2010 06:21 - France

Today, my dad thought it'd be funny to put an Edward Cullen cutout behind my car as I backed it out the garage to see my reaction. Oh it was funny alright, except I was so scared that when I saw him through the mirror I reacted by stepping on the gas. We now have half a garage door. FML

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By TheFlash - 22/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

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By babysitter - 17/4/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 12:17

Today, I was having motorbike lessons. We were parked by the side of the circuit when one side of my gloves dropped on the ground. I tried to pick it up without getting off the bike. I lost balance, fell off the bike and the bike landed on my leg, trapping me. FML

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By guh - 31/8/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By charlotte9338 - 23/10/2011 23:32 - Canada

Today, I went to the hospital with a broken hand. They gave me a cast and some prescription pain medication. The only problem is that the bottle of medication is child-proof, I live alone and I can't open it with one hand. FML

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By single - 15/12/2017 10:00 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend got paid by the richest guy in our school to go to the Winter Formal with him. She took up the offer. FML

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By thinner than you - 20/11/2012 21:57 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2017 00:00 - United States

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

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By Jacoobic - 5/7/2019 20:00

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 13:51 - United States - Pottstown

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

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By maggieyokoi - 15/6/2015 19:11

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By gayboii - 19/3/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

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By Kyrstin Budd - 13/4/2017 12:00

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

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Top comments

By princess_stabitty | 17

#7931325 - Saturday 15 August 2020 21:57

You can't attack something that clearly isn't there.

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7931348 - Sunday 16 August 2020 0:13

You probably lose more blood every menstrual cycle. Tell that to Mr Tough Guy.

COMMENTS

By princess_stabitty | 17

#7931325 - Saturday 15 August 2020 21:57

You can't attack something that clearly isn't there.

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7931348 - Sunday 16 August 2020 0:13

You probably lose more blood every menstrual cycle. Tell that to Mr Tough Guy.

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7931365 - Sunday 16 August 2020 1:58

I would get his blood pressure checked

By DoctorPALO | 8

#7931366 - Sunday 16 August 2020 1:59

YDI for being married to such a prissy little milquetoast.

By 123Puppy | 30

#7931431 - Sunday 16 August 2020 12:46

He’s stupid.

By -Silverfox- | 10

#7931432 - Sunday 16 August 2020 12:53

Lots of people gets dizzy or pass out just by the sight of blood, though! Ie. having blood drawn or just a papercut.

Reply

JasonThorn | 18

#7931883 - Tuesday 18 August 2020 4:17

If that was this guy, he would get snippy about a drop or blood or get mad about attacking his one-ply masculinity. He'd just pass out.

Reply

aryania | 7

#7931988 - Tuesday 18 August 2020 12:50

fear of blood and testing masculinity are two different things.