By SquishFish

Big nope

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

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Billy no-mates

OK, well, goodbye

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anonymous - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

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By Inod - United States

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

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By rutho - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By pickuptruckblues - Canada - Mississauga

Final Destination

Today, I was stopped behind a pickup truck filled with junk. I told my friend that the person should have secured the junk better, since it looked like it would fall off any minute. My friend assured me it wouldn't. Right after she said that, a large piece of plywood fell off and hit my windshield. FML

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By stranded - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By feelinblue - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By gabe8 - Mexico

Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

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By the bad artist - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

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By LonelyAF

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

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By ab - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

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By NoNaMe - Australia

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

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By Username

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

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By klaatu barada nikto - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

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By Gaz47

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

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By DuckyKiller - United States

Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

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By Agata - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years announced that he is not ready for marriage, and won’t be for 'at least' another 2 years. Of course he waited to tell me this 2 days after he had proposed to me in front of hundreds of people, I said yes, and we announced it to all our family members and friends. FML

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By Broke as hell - 7/4/2020 23:00

Hangry

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 08:01 - Europe

Do not want

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

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By Central

Mom of the century

Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML

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By Gloria Lovestar

All over the place

Today, I visited my in-laws, whom I thought I was on great terms with. I soon learned that wasn't the case when my mother-in-law yelled at me about how I've been abusing her for years. Ten minutes later, she hugged me and asked me for grandkids. FML

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By failure461 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - College Station

Today, my boss gave me a verbal warning. My crime? Calling people "hon", "darlin'", and the like. I work at a Texas diner. FML

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

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By callie - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 21:08 - Israel - Tel Aviv

The Final Countdown

Today, I found out that I have three weeks to get better at my shitty job before we start discussing my "future" with the company. FML

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By PinkTornado - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

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By n0taplumber - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By lostmystuff - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

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By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

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Top comments

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7819839 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 19:31

Can FML moderators please add a "throwing up" smiley ?

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7819826 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 17:38

that is just gross

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7819797 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 15:13

Pop ‘em like bubble wrap!

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7819826 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 17:38

that is just gross

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7819839 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 19:31

Can FML moderators please add a "throwing up" smiley ?

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 27

#7819918 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 22:57

lol they won't even add a proper voting system. you're still locked into what you first click after all these years.

By nonameDE | 10

#7819875 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 21:28

Do you charge then extra, each one ?

By Kristoffer | 34

#7820025 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:25

If you don't like your job, quit. Problem solved.

By childlessmother | 16

#7820299 - Friday 12 July 2019 2:57

Sorry to be a bitch but warts or not it’s your job. If a 700 lb man wanted a massage you would have to massage his naked ass. 🤷‍♀️