Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and... - FML

By OnlyMe - United States

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

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Dangling modifier

NRA fanboy

Modern Family

By ihatevideos - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By green and not with envy - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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By lonelygal69 - United States - Stafford

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

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By ohgodwhyfml - United States - Danbury

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

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By lunarboy - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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By mommiedearest - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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By Jen__ - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By skinnyguy23 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I apparently had diarrhea in my sleep. I had to get up and sneak to the bathroom so as to not wake my husband. When he asked about the stain, I panicked and told him I started my period. FML

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By Ondskansgris - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

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By feeldumb - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

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By poor excuse for a father

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By thacupcakeassassin - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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By Sexless from Texas - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

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By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

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By catbum - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By moonbears - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

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By Depressed - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By Rojo

Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML

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By Samantha - 19/11/2020 13:08 - United States - Kingsport

Ma'm, we closed 10 minutes ago

Today, I had a woman throw a clipboard and yell at me to then storm off, still yelling in the mall where I work, all because I'd told her it was too late to do a piercing tonight. FML

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By jay-frey96 - United States - San Diego

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

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By blueglover - United States - Perris

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

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By just_friends - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

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By unhappy wifey - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

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By didi - France

Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML

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By zed - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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By hate enough to kill... - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

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By Anonymous

Proud

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

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By "Luke Payne"

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when I realised that I hadn't got my headphones in and was blasting Eminem whilst walking past a bunch of 5 year olds. He said the 'N' word at the same time. I guess I'm not going to that bus stop any more. FML

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By 0h_Boy - 4/3/2020 18:00

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

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Top comments

By LeStab | 4

#610729 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:40

Badly written?

By alsoelp | 0

#611090 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:37

No no.

guy #1: nice, can sex, doesnt like commitment.

she left him for guy #2. Guy #2 can sex, is nice, and is not afraid of commitment.

but now that theyre committed, he won't sex her.

So basically she found a guy to marry. married him, let herself go, now he wont sex her.

COMMENTS

By misspeg | 0

#610627 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:19

first?

Reply

livelifetodeathx | 0

#612028 - Friday 9 October 2009 17:07

Wow. Just wow.

Reply

xXxXxMasonxXxXx | 7

#2684559 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 6:39

don't comment if all ur gonna say is 'first' because it's useless an it frankly pisses everyone off -.-

By mekzikinz | 0

#610637 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:26

ummm ...

By lol69_fml | 0

#610643 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:38

You sure know how to pick the guys dont you? haha

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#5039082 - Saturday 13 October 2012 16:58

You're needy.

By leggyxo | 0

#610663 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:52

Im extremely confused.

Reply

Jbiebs82 | 0

#988892 - Thursday 6 May 2010 21:07

Me too.. THIS FML DOESNT MAKE SENCE!!!

Reply

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1160091 - Friday 30 July 2010 6:08

# 4 me too r both of the guys gay I'm confused

By jennadol95 | 0

#610671 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:57

uhmmm.. okay then..?

By mysuckishlife | 0

#610677 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:02

Sixth

By superstephen4 | 5

#610678 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:02

you dumped him for another person?

Reply

Freakybig96 | 0

#4560499 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 8:02

Learn how to read.

By fmluser2232 | 0

#610680 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:03

Cheaters never prosper.

By portlandrima | 0

#610704 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:21

you totally deserved it. now chew your food.

By cuteguyoO | 0

#610727 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:38

this shit sucks