Intimacy: Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and... - FML

By OnlyMe - United States

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

Ruined art

By unbelievable - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

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By Soap0015 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

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By gingerbread - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

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By drurbanXVII - United States

Today, while playing The Sims 2, I realized I had a virtual person's whole life planned out, and have nothing planned out for myself. FML

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By madisonnkelly - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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By nurseITHINKNOT - United States

Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

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By ... - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I fell down the stairs and landed heavily on my foot. Because I wasn't crying, my mom refused to take me to the hospital. It took me an hour of agony to convince her. It turned out to be broken in three different places. FML

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By Kagura - Turkey

Today, I went shopping with my mother. I needed to use the toilet, so entered a restaurant. After I left the toilet, my mother, who was near the restaurant's entrance, called out and asked: "Did you flush it?" Everyone heard her. And I'm 22 years old. FML

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By sinceresally

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

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By mary - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

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By THATguy - United States

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

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By Titi14 - United States

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we had a great night out with my girlfriend and even won a costume contest together. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a great night, because when I got home I found that someone had robbed my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Telemarket - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 08:01

When pranks go wrong

Today, as punishment for a prank, my girlfriend has banned all forms of sex, kissing or touching for the foreseeable future. She’s also started stripping as soon as she gets home and walking around in just her thong, or sometimes even completely naked, just to make my suffering worse. FML

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By john - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

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By Instacreep

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

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By mother to be - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

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By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00

Not all heroes…

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

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By SickBoi - 30/3/2021 14:01 - United States - Cambridge

Hot lava from both ends

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

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By lance - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By Champion the wonder horse - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By suckmeoff - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

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By mperrotta913 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

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By allwrong - Australia

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

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By Fingkids - United States

Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By whatthefuck - United States - Providence

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

First dates suck

Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 15:01 - Canada - Red Deer

My body, my choice

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to drink several shots of vodka after taking a pill that makes you sick when you drink. She puked all night and then blamed me for making her sick. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

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By FLkiki - 24/7/2020 20:00

All or nothing

Today, I found out I didn’t get a job because I'd flashed the owner whilst drunk. Guess my tits weren’t better than my resume. FML

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By limeiscool

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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By religiunatic - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

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Top comments

By LeStab | 4

#610729 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:40

Badly written?

By alsoelp | 0

#611090 - Friday 9 October 2009 1:37

No no.

guy #1: nice, can sex, doesnt like commitment.

she left him for guy #2. Guy #2 can sex, is nice, and is not afraid of commitment.

but now that theyre committed, he won't sex her.

So basically she found a guy to marry. married him, let herself go, now he wont sex her.

COMMENTS

By misspeg | 0

#610627 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:19

first?

Reply

livelifetodeathx | 0

#612028 - Friday 9 October 2009 17:07

Wow. Just wow.

Reply

xXxXxMasonxXxXx | 7

#2684559 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 6:39

don't comment if all ur gonna say is 'first' because it's useless an it frankly pisses everyone off -.-

By mekzikinz | 0

#610637 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:26

ummm ...

By lol69_fml | 0

#610643 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:38

You sure know how to pick the guys dont you? haha

Reply

VioletLife | 18

#5039082 - Saturday 13 October 2012 16:58

You're needy.

By leggyxo | 0

#610663 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:52

Im extremely confused.

Reply

Jbiebs82 | 0

#988892 - Thursday 6 May 2010 21:07

Me too.. THIS FML DOESNT MAKE SENCE!!!

Reply

wowthatshorrible_fml | 0

#1160091 - Friday 30 July 2010 6:08

# 4 me too r both of the guys gay I'm confused

By jennadol95 | 0

#610671 - Thursday 8 October 2009 20:57

uhmmm.. okay then..?

By mysuckishlife | 0

#610677 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:02

Sixth

By superstephen4 | 5

#610678 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:02

you dumped him for another person?

Reply

Freakybig96 | 0

#4560499 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 8:02

Learn how to read.

By fmluser2232 | 0

#610680 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:03

Cheaters never prosper.

By portlandrima | 0

#610704 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:21

you totally deserved it. now chew your food.

By cuteguyoO | 0

#610727 - Thursday 8 October 2009 21:38

this shit sucks