Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the Crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I got my first tattoo. When I showed my boyfriend, he asked where I got the design. I told him I saw it in a sketch book of his. He designed it for his last girlfriend, who got it in the same place. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML
Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML
Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML
Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML
Today, at work as a groomer's assistant, my boss said something that I didn't catch as I went to take a leash off a dog. I looked at my boss and said, "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML
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Top comments
zingline89 18
Did it take him 3 days to rise? If so, you're not very good.
winfieldALJD 6
I love how the FML Team can't be thumbed up or down.
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Comments (100)
SqueakyChipmunk 21
You knead to apologize to Jesus.
ScarletBloom 14
Neither of them cared. Your client was enjoying while Jesus was busy salvaging souls.
badactor009 0
Let me get this straight. OP is upset because she believes she violated the image of an imaginary cosmic Jewish zombie who promises we will live forever if we accept him as our master and symbolically eat his flesh so that he can fix the flaws that exist in us because a snake told a rib-woman to eat an apple from a magic tree? That bothered her but she violated away for 45 minutes. Makes so much sense (sarcasm included). You can violate that image all you want. It is no more important than an image of Budda, Zeus, Thor, Poseidon, Santa the tooth fairy, Shrek or a child's imaginary friend.
lostcrazydiamond 10
My comment pretty much said what he said. I didn't see it until after I posted. O.o
the_enigma1019 1
If you don't believe it in, don't believe, I personally don't, but I'm at least open minded enough to respect other people's faith, or lack thereof. It saddens me to see such a harsh comment. Edit: Alan has the right idea.
TacoBelle 8
Please don't take yourself, or this FML, so seriously. Since this was a tongue in cheek remark, there's no need to get out your soap box.
BulldogHoops 14
I've never wanted to thumb up a comment more than Alan's right now, not even on my own FML.
kakarot2 11
That was actually not even original. He copy pasted that from a picture on reddit. Honestly, if you are going to be a low life, sadistic piece of scum to insult someone's religion at least be original. That joke was bad and you should feel bad.
ManInTheMachine 19
Wow, are people actually thumbing this ignoramus up? He was buried when I saw it, now he's at -7. It depresses me when I see people that are proud of their ignorance.
SenselessPattern 12
Let me at him, let me at 'em! Someone hold me back! *grabs own arms back*
little_one 20
People be trolling.
outoftown 26
#56, No, I thumbed him up because the image of a zombie getting a massage and the over-the-top seriousness are both funny. Regret the thumb only if it's plagarized.
LogicalMembrane 3
How is Jesus imaginary if he is a historical figure? Takeaway: History is imaginary.
Harpy20 24
Holy shit. So much butthurt.
aspecialspecial 21
@ 33 so how much of an ignorant jack-ass are you??
limitedition 25
You're closer to Jesus.
Sai_Run614 7
Wow your life is horrible. I cant believe you have to endure such a hard life. Ps get the **** over yourself.
andiewithlove 21
Says the guy with the profile photo of his poorly defined abdominals......
newbiehere99 6
What did he say? I only see "comment moderated" ugh, I hate when I miss comments.
XxEP1CFAC3xX 4
What's that supposed to mean?
perdix 29
Don't worry, from what I've read, he had worse than a rough hand job in his day.
B5B0N35 18
why man now god will send you to hell
titibug823 11
Relax... It's your job. Pretty sure God understands that
little_one 20
Wow 45 minutes on one spot that must have been one hell of a massage.
sugoine 12
Get over it, Jesus jogger