Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the Crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I got my first tattoo. When I showed my boyfriend, he asked where I got the design. I told him I saw it in a sketch book of his. He designed it for his last girlfriend, who got it in the same place. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML
Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML
Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML
Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML
Today, at work as a groomer's assistant, my boss said something that I didn't catch as I went to take a leash off a dog. I looked at my boss and said, "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML
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Top comments
zingline89 18
Did it take him 3 days to rise? If so, you're not very good.
winfieldALJD 6
I love how the FML Team can't be thumbed up or down.
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Comments (100)
zingline89 18
Did it take him 3 days to rise? If so, you're not very good.
Kolden 11
Oooooooooooh, that was amazing.
ManInTheMachine 19
Christ compells thee to get on thine knees!
lostcrazydiamond 10
You know, some believe ****** is a time of spiritual connection. Just how violated did Jesus get? :p
TrailblazerSS 5
Maybe Jesus liked it!
TrailblazerSS 5
Sorry #4 didn't see your comment.
I_iz_B_a_troll 23
Well at least it wasn't a Virgin Mary tattoo, right?
Spectre529 12
I Bet they both liked it =p
FlyingPie 17
Let's hope Jesus did knot mind.
lostcrazydiamond 10
He probably kneaded that.
ManInTheMachine 19
I'm sure it rubbed him the right way.
jep00 8
Aha
laurensauren 9
Some of the FMLs posted lately are ridiculous.
rivaraven 35
Well let's hope it felt good for him, too.