Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the Crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I got my first tattoo. When I showed my boyfriend, he asked where I got the design. I told him I saw it in a sketch book of his. He designed it for his last girlfriend, who got it in the same place. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML
Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML
Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML
Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML
Today, at work as a groomer's assistant, my boss said something that I didn't catch as I went to take a leash off a dog. I looked at my boss and said, "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML
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Top comments
zingline89 18
Did it take him 3 days to rise? If so, you're not very good.
winfieldALJD 6
I love how the FML Team can't be thumbed up or down.
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Comments (100)
bigredmonkeybutt 28
It's a tattoo.
cloudygirl5 16
Hello fml guy named Alan!!!!
mfischer 17
Hey now, yours is Alan. That doesn't sound very reliable or realis...actually, never mind.
winfieldALJD 6
I love how the FML Team can't be thumbed up or down.
ALlamaOnFire 20
6 - because OP said it was a tattoo...
sens3sfailing 24
Alan, it's thanks giving, aren't you going to get all boozed up anyway?
DocBastard 38
*almost pokes Alan* I'm not touching you! Not touching you!
SqueakyChipmunk 21
*pushes DocBastard* Now you are! Mwahaha!!!
little_one 20
Alan is going to get British drunk!
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
Is it just me or do you all get really excited too when the FML team comment?
honeybadgerr 9
80- Bloody hell, do i ever! Especially when they make fun of the hogwash other ppl post
yousuck44 11
I hate that, I wanted to thumb Alan up since I liked his comment.
ollie179 21
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
SINNER! MAY THE LORD SMITE THEE DOWN!
newbiehere99 6
This comment made me repent.
desoto96 9
That'll be 4 Hail Marys.
Sandman366 6
And three Our Fathers.
sonicgreg 12
And your first-born child.
Mariebaz 11
That escalated quickly.
tsent8 15
He'll smite you after you finish his back
JesMommy 11
Also five rosaries and the stations of the cross. Bless you my child.
dinorider_fml 4
Maybe you just massaged Jesus too
Myo_fml 20
You don't say?
sens3sfailing 24
Was I the only one who imagined 26's profile pic yelling you don't say?
fridabloman 3
I think Jesus liked it! Bless you :)
PerfasarusRex 3
No
MeLuvBewbs 7
Better pray long and hard. Thanksgiving is coming up, here's your chance!
newbiehere99 6
Hmmm, what did I miss something here. I see Thanksgiving and Jesus. Was the Last Supper really God's way of saying Happy Thanksgiving? Jesus, Easter ... Jesus, Christmas ... Jesus, Thanksgiving? Father, forgive her, for she know not what she do.
starbunnytwinkle 3
Wth does Thanksgiving have to do with Jesus?
Pretty_Pink_Lady 10
Little known fact - Jesus actually joined the pilgrims and natives for dinner. He brought a heavenly apple pie.
outoftown 26
Just... no. Christmas has already conquered Thanksgiving and Veteran's Day, and it's zeroing in on Halloween. Don't encourage it.
MalloryKnox 8
Perhaps 5 was referring to saying grace before dinner? I bet you could slip in an apology for massaging Jesus. But my family never gives it more effort than "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay God!" so I can't be completely sure...
trippythehippy 6
Naughty naughty.
Enslaved 36
Just be glad he didn't request a happy ending. :O
DocBastard 38
I may be wrong, but I think it's a sin to give Jesus a happy ending.
zingline89 18
11th Commandment: Thou shalt not take thy Lord in thine hands
Harpy20 24
Pfft! He liked it.
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Better start getting ready for a hotter climate. Much much hotter.
RedPillSucks 31
I thought you wrote 'climax' and I thought 'What a damn good massage to give Jesus a climax'
aussieaccents 7
You have been shunned.