By TheNoseKnows - 16/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Bronx

Fair Warning

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Tidy your room

By RejectRaven - 29/12/2018 04:00

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

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By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By never again - 30/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

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By Username - 28/7/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, I got the worst sunburn I've ever had in my life, and then discovered I'm allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

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By oneloveliz - 17/9/2017 23:15

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 14:01

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2014 03:02 - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

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By Lily - 8/1/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML

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By mariokarter - 28/8/2009 04:41 - United Kingdom

Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!". Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML

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By So I can go now then? - 9/2/2019 20:00

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Steve - 24/2/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By Foreveralone17362562 - 16/4/2014 02:18 - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I was telling my dad about how annoying it was to constantly have my ten-year-old cousin message me about her new boyfriend, when he suddenly bursts out laughing about how she can get a boyfriend at ten, and I have never even kissed a guy and I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 18:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 07:32 - Australia

Today, I was talking to a guy I really liked, hoping that he would ask me out. Eventually he asked for my number. I was so excited that I couldn't remember it. FML

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By loser4life - 30/7/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

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By full of losses - 29/7/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML

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By CheesyCasey - 30/5/2013 00:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By hadtocleanthemess - 28/6/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

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By Oh really - 28/1/2009 00:17 - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By gingerbetty - 4/9/2012 07:54 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. I've been secretly taking Welsh lessons as a surprise for him, so when I was getting close, I whispered the Welsh for "Don't stop." He pulled out and accused me of cheating on him with his best friend. He won't believe anything else. FML

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By LustyDragon - 5/6/2017 14:00

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By thinkimquitting - 25/6/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

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By pinkfreak94 - 13/10/2012 13:38 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - 24/9/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By Amandajean32 - 5/8/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By embarrassed - 3/7/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 04:05 - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

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By Sally - 13/7/2010 09:22 - United States

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

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By hungry - 1/1/2015 05:50 - United States

Today, is the fourth day of my husband's and my new diet and exercise routine. I've already caught him eating junk food 4 times. He has lost 2 lbs and I've gained 3. FML

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By Jedi2500 - 15/2/2012 23:53 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 18:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

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By anbrown6 - 12/4/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

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By not as easy as pie - 16/10/2015 16:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

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By Catholicguy - 20/12/2009 08:14 - United States

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

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By Justin - 25/7/2020 20:00

Awwww, how sweet!

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - 7/11/2016 13:51 - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

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By ash - 25/8/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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Top comments

By almost_there44 | 26

#7411554 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:02

If she was already drunk, why would you offer to buy her another drink?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7411577 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:33

If you're trying to get drunk chicks drunker, that probably isn't a deal breaker for you...

COMMENTS

By almost_there44 | 26

#7411554 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:02

If she was already drunk, why would you offer to buy her another drink?

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7412039 - Friday 17 February 2017 14:39

Lack of morals...

By tin_cup | 27

#7411557 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:03

Alcohol is the best truth serum!

By yes31601 | 16

#7411558 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:04

Dodged a bullet there, OP. Drunk words are sober thoughts and if her thoughts were true...

By StarOfDoom | 26

#7411562 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:07

Drunk words are sober thoughts!

By darwinism | 30

#7411573 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:25

Reply with "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look". Cheers.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7411577 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:33

If you're trying to get drunk chicks drunker, that probably isn't a deal breaker for you...

By Goblin182 | 26

#7411578 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:34

Well there you go, truth in advertising.

By itssnotfunny | 24

#7411580 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:35

At least she told you before you (possibly) found out the hard way.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7411584 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:40

Yes...why were you trying to buy her another drink? I find it most likely that you were trying to take advantage of an intoxicated woman. I think drunk or not she realised your intentions and told you that just to get rid of you. The fact that it seems to have worked only makes the theory all that much more plausible. Shame on you and kudos to her.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#7411664 - Thursday 16 February 2017 23:13

Thank you.

Reply

Kitsi | 14

#7411774 - Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Reply

Kitsi | 14

#7411775 - Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Reply

Kitsi | 14

#7411776 - Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Reply

darkangel7410 | 17

#7433309 - Monday 3 April 2017 14:08

Way to assume. I know lots of people who but drinks for people just because they can. Sure getting a drink pertain more wasted looks bad but your putting words in his mouth. Maybe he was trying to pick her up. Neither of us know that so ease up on the bashing

By RichardPencil | 28

#7411589 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:45

No cunnilingus for you!

Reply

jdogg1971 | 0

#7411738 - Friday 17 February 2017 1:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment