Intimacy: Fair Warning - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 209

You deserved it 23

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 133

Fair Warning

By TheNoseKnows - 16/02/2017 14:00

Spicy

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 705

You deserved it 2 482

The smell detective is on the case

There's no helping some people

Our House

23/06/2009 15:47

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 978

You deserved it 3 847

14/05/2009 19:57

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 427

You deserved it 60 511

10/03/2012 15:16

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 881

You deserved it 4 177

15/11/2010 00:23

Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 621

You deserved it 47 879

Thanks, "Mom"

By thafinest - 12/10/2009 23:32

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 534

You deserved it 2 266

16/08/2010 23:05

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 061

You deserved it 3 937

12/02/2009 13:28

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 110

You deserved it 38 983

04/12/2015 21:47

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 621

You deserved it 4 681

09/09/2015 21:12

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 243

You deserved it 24 601

09/11/2009 10:27

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 285

You deserved it 53 712

01/03/2009 22:04

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 151

You deserved it 17 491

Still pining

By Anonymous - 08/11/2020 11:03

Today, I had a meeting in the town where my ex-girlfriend works. After the meeting, I bought some ice cream and sat on a bench in a public place. She came across with her girlfriends laughing and obviously having fun. She only looked in my direction briefly. I threw the ice cream into the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 1 063

BDSM FML

By Anonymous - 11/04/2021 11:00

Today, I realised I need to grow up when I couldn’t stop laughing throughout a very serious meeting entitled, “Master / Sub Remediation Program.” It’s about electricity meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 649

Bad omen

By CastAway - 24/05/2009 00:16

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 628

You deserved it 15 091

Awkward family moments

By hated - 02/07/2021 13:03

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 941

You deserved it 2 913

30/05/2013 16:29

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 600

You deserved it 5 551

03/03/2012 22:07

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 847

You deserved it 3 809

25/12/2016 21:23

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 370

You deserved it 2 312

27/11/2009 07:45

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 420

You deserved it 4 077

12/07/2010 23:15

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. He just wanted me to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 675

You deserved it 29 553

08/06/2011 03:05

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 111

You deserved it 32 106

When feral kids attack

By GracieGirl - 04/10/2019 06:00

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 101

17/06/2013 04:33

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 749

You deserved it 5 702

30/03/2017 14:00

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 124

You deserved it 2 046

04/05/2018 19:00

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 1 574

21/05/2010 15:46

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 993

You deserved it 14 835

02/08/2010 17:55

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 769

You deserved it 5 127

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

By Notadrugdealer - 07/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 518

You deserved it 338

10/04/2017 12:00

Today, I cleaned my entire house. Ready for a fresh finishing touch in the bedroom, I grabbed the Febreze and lightly sprayed over my clean bedding, carpeting, and clothing. Then a pungent odor hit me. It seems someone forgot to label the bottle when they filled it with vinegar instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 071

You deserved it 664

03/11/2010 00:57

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 404

You deserved it 9 563

14/01/2009 16:03

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 269

You deserved it 28 775

04/11/2012 21:16

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 700

You deserved it 3 306

The long scam

By Rachelle - 20/07/2021 22:01

Today, I went on a second date with a seemingly great guy. Over drinks, I asked him what his plans for the future were. He replied that he wanted to have at least two kids, so he could start a family vlog prank channel. I laughed. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 84

11/11/2011 11:50

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 242

You deserved it 7 111

16/11/2012 05:51

Today, I came home to find that my girlfriend had repainted my bedroom. As she had offered to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem. However, she decided to return the several unopened cans of off-white paint that I'd bought for something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 288

You deserved it 2 994

23/09/2011 13:48

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 825

You deserved it 6 148

Teamwork works

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 01:58

Today, I had a huge amount of work to get through. Two colleagues offered to help, because one had nothing else to do, and the other couldn't work until I was done. My boss got really pissed at me for "making" them do my job and wasting their time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 71

05/02/2009 15:14

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 514

You deserved it 3 247

03/10/2010 18:52

Today, I found out that instead of having four wisdom teeth, I have eight. They all have to be removed as soon as possible, which happens to be over the Christmas break. I get to spend my whole vacation in excruciating pain and a swollen face to boot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 744

You deserved it 3 258

06/01/2010 16:44

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It's been 3 hours and still no call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 980

You deserved it 30 449

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Top comments

almost_there44 26

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:02

If she was already drunk, why would you offer to buy her another drink?

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:33

If you're trying to get drunk chicks drunker, that probably isn't a deal breaker for you...

Comments

almost_there44 26

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:02

If she was already drunk, why would you offer to buy her another drink?

crudeandrudeguy 29

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Friday 17 February 2017 14:39

Lack of morals...

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:03

Alcohol is the best truth serum!

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:04

Dodged a bullet there, OP. Drunk words are sober thoughts and if her thoughts were true...

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:07

Drunk words are sober thoughts!

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:25

Reply with "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look". Cheers.

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:33

If you're trying to get drunk chicks drunker, that probably isn't a deal breaker for you...

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:34

Well there you go, truth in advertising.

itssnotfunny 24

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:35

At least she told you before you (possibly) found out the hard way.

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:40

Yes...why were you trying to buy her another drink? I find it most likely that you were trying to take advantage of an intoxicated woman. I think drunk or not she realised your intentions and told you that just to get rid of you. The fact that it seems to have worked only makes the theory all that much more plausible. Shame on you and kudos to her.

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Thursday 16 February 2017 23:13

Thank you.

Kitsi 14

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Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Kitsi 14

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Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Kitsi 14

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Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

darkangel7410 17

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Monday 3 April 2017 14:08

Way to assume. I know lots of people who but drinks for people just because they can. Sure getting a drink pertain more wasted looks bad but your putting words in his mouth. Maybe he was trying to pick her up. Neither of us know that so ease up on the bashing

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 16 February 2017 20:45

No cunnilingus for you!

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Friday 17 February 2017 1:25

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