By TheNoseKnows - United States - Bronx

Fair Warning

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

7686

You deserved it

2474

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

All over the place

Bad guy (duh)

By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37628

You deserved it

11089

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend was saying how her "nano" died. I quickly responded by saying, "So? Recharge it." Turns out she didn't say "nano"; she'd said "nana." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29500

You deserved it

51479

Tweet

Share

By haus - United States

Nice try

Today, I had to go to court to see whether my driver's license is suspended for an entire year. I woke up early, went to court, and everything went perfectly, with all the charges being dropped. Unfortunately, I then woke up, and am now going to be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14252

You deserved it

31428

Tweet

Share

By damn it rose - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60295

You deserved it

8104

Tweet

Share

By Disappointed - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32474

You deserved it

4470

Tweet

Share

By Ginger_Gawd - United States - Hialeah

Today, I was playing with my little nephew and began to tickle him playfully, even though I know he doesn't like to be tickled. When I was done, he looked me straight in the eye, punched me in the groin, and told me, "No one tickles me". He's six. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29452

You deserved it

45880

Tweet

Share

By happysingleone

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8826

You deserved it

1083

Tweet

Share

By TKDConnor92 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31587

You deserved it

6696

Tweet

Share

By Radbaby

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3887

You deserved it

253

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52397

You deserved it

6413

Tweet

Share

By movingout - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51464

You deserved it

5277

Tweet

Share

By Nicky_ham - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24535

You deserved it

1624

Tweet

Share

By Zephyric - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43346

You deserved it

3462

Tweet

Share

By DieTrying - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35106

You deserved it

5446

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2735

You deserved it

304

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42301

You deserved it

3068

Tweet

Share

By Margaret - United States

Today, I was flying back home from college with my Mom. At the airport, the ticket agent tells us she only has one ticket listed for Margaret. My mom and I have the same name. American Airlines thought a Margaret had bought two tickets by mistake, so they cancelled one of the transactions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70733

You deserved it

4556

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53691

You deserved it

21197

Tweet

Share

By demk - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

92701

You deserved it

8024

Tweet

Share

By sarabellekitty

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1785

You deserved it

308

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41686

You deserved it

3925

Tweet

Share

By hoggypig

Today, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing and waved at the driver of the car who'd stopped, just to say thank you. She stuck her middle finger up at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24511

You deserved it

2866

Tweet

Share

By biggieT - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Actor's Studio

Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33866

You deserved it

7531

Tweet

Share

By sammarli530 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24748

You deserved it

52049

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24875

You deserved it

4286

Tweet

Share

By lex31 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26002

You deserved it

3735

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57436

You deserved it

19844

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48314

You deserved it

3515

Tweet

Share

By notmine - India - New Delhi

Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48601

You deserved it

3529

Tweet

Share

By Manstobe92 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20599

You deserved it

40067

Tweet

Share

By the customer is always a cunt - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47115

You deserved it

3132

Tweet

Share

By crapedup - United States

Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27948

You deserved it

3056

Tweet

Share

By cantfallbackasleep - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23622

You deserved it

5323

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25880

You deserved it

9560

Tweet

Share

By MisterMisinformed - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7949

You deserved it

57197

Tweet

Share

By smidge - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54461

You deserved it

2617

Tweet

Share

By preggo - Australia

Today, my boyfriend's father suggested that, ideally, I should aim to have my baby in early July, or wait until he gets back from Europe in October. I'm due September 4th, and he will be "incredibly disappointed" if he misses the birth of his first grandchild due to my "selfishness". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36012

You deserved it

3097

Tweet

Share

By bh2000 - 29/5/2020 17:00

Pay up

Today, I'd purchased a ticket for the train on my mobile app. Some idiot pushed past me on his way out and in the process makes me drop my phone, ruining it. A conductor then came to check my ticket and I got fined 150 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1600

You deserved it

142

Tweet

Share

By notakeeper - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks

56973

You deserved it

4644

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15365

You deserved it

55838

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By almost_there44 | 26

#7411554 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:02

If she was already drunk, why would you offer to buy her another drink?

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7411577 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:33

If you're trying to get drunk chicks drunker, that probably isn't a deal breaker for you...

COMMENTS

By almost_there44 | 26

#7411554 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:02

If she was already drunk, why would you offer to buy her another drink?

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#7412039 - Friday 17 February 2017 14:39

Lack of morals...

By tin_cup | 27

#7411557 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:03

Alcohol is the best truth serum!

By yes31601 | 16

#7411558 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:04

Dodged a bullet there, OP. Drunk words are sober thoughts and if her thoughts were true...

By StarOfDoom | 26

#7411562 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:07

Drunk words are sober thoughts!

By darwinism | 30

#7411573 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:25

Reply with "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look". Cheers.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7411577 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:33

If you're trying to get drunk chicks drunker, that probably isn't a deal breaker for you...

By Goblin182 | 26

#7411578 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:34

Well there you go, truth in advertising.

By itssnotfunny | 24

#7411580 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:35

At least she told you before you (possibly) found out the hard way.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7411584 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:40

Yes...why were you trying to buy her another drink? I find it most likely that you were trying to take advantage of an intoxicated woman. I think drunk or not she realised your intentions and told you that just to get rid of you. The fact that it seems to have worked only makes the theory all that much more plausible. Shame on you and kudos to her.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#7411664 - Thursday 16 February 2017 23:13

Thank you.

Reply

Kitsi | 14

#7411774 - Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Reply

Kitsi | 14

#7411775 - Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Reply

Kitsi | 14

#7411776 - Friday 17 February 2017 3:18

You're awesome

Reply

darkangel7410 | 17

#7433309 - Monday 3 April 2017 14:08

Way to assume. I know lots of people who but drinks for people just because they can. Sure getting a drink pertain more wasted looks bad but your putting words in his mouth. Maybe he was trying to pick her up. Neither of us know that so ease up on the bashing

By RichardPencil | 30

#7411589 - Thursday 16 February 2017 20:45

No cunnilingus for you!

Reply

jdogg1971 | 0

#7411738 - Friday 17 February 2017 1:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway