Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to...

By What does this button do? - 17/2/2017 10:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to a new level when he pushed an emergency, "Stop all" button, causing my firm to miss multiple deadlines, causing massive losses In profits. FML

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Work

Instadrama

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Don't give up

By seriouslylife? - 26/9/2018 03:00

Today, I was shopping at a store that hires disabled people as baggers. This is totally awesome and I love the practice, but this autistic bagger yelled out the name of every product he bagged, including "TAMPONS!" and "CONDOMS!" One of my middle school students was in the next checkout line videoing it. FML

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By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By Marcilor001 - 10/8/2018 20:30

Oops.

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 02:55 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML

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By sadfantasy - 31/3/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

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By Crissylove10 - 18/1/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

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By DrunkGirl - 19/10/2009 15:42 - France

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

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By it's shitty, yeah, stfu - 7/3/2013 17:10 - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 14:00 - Canada - Prince George

Naughty girl

Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 11:58 - New Zealand

Today, at the supermarket, I ignored the "Riding on trolleys down the ramp is strictly prohibited" sign. While going full speed down the ramp, my trolley with $200 worth of groceries in it tipped and crashed. Luckily, I broke its fall. FML

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By Ryanissaur - 19/10/2009 05:34 - Australia

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

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By Karate Kid - 25/5/2012 06:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

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By thairsha - 9/2/2012 11:05 - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

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By Alright. - 24/9/2012 08:15 - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By owwwww - 19/7/2012 20:05 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

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By verno02 - 10/8/2010 23:58 - Canada

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He is the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By what - 26/11/2010 19:17 - United States

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

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By BlackRavenWings - 21/11/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 16:00

Not the one

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2016 16:14 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML

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By Metallurge - 13/3/2015 03:02 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I was so hungry when I finished work that I grabbed some chips to eat on the bus home. The guy who sat next to me spat in them as he left to get off. FML

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By astraboy - 21/5/2009 09:11 - Australia

Today, I spent 3 hours making a birthday card for my boyfriend, delicately cutting each letter out of printed coloured paper. He used it as a coffee coaster. FML

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By crushed - 29/3/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend and when his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and i thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away I hear her say "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better". FML

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By Schaf_12 - 16/6/2012 18:10 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

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By testacular - 25/3/2014 21:20 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By Tree - 30/7/2010 11:34 - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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By kmyltd - 14/9/2016 06:18 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 20:00

Surprising

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 19:50 - Argentina

Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

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By mnavy - 28/9/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 19:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

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By sharon - 14/12/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML

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By Shuntbob - 15/1/2018 17:30 - United States - Herriman

Today, my father told me that because of my 4.0 with all AP classes, I could choose where to eat tonight. My stepmother told him I wanted to eat at IKEA, of all places, because that's what she wanted. Guess who he believed, and guess where I am right now. FML

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By thatgirl - 10/10/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

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By Anna - 18/6/2011 16:54 - Estonia

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

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By Hotdamn - 21/3/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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Top comments

By definte | 8

#7411636 - Thursday 16 February 2017 22:37

As a certain infamous businessman known for 'Apprentice' once said, "You're fired."

By maharb01 | 17

#7411672 - Thursday 16 February 2017 23:29

if while in training they pushed a button before they understood what it did, that person is in the wrong line of work

COMMENTS

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7411622 - Thursday 16 February 2017 22:04

Maybe he mistook it for the "easy" button.

By thedragonborn456 | 4

#7411626 - Thursday 16 February 2017 22:08

Well, at least now they know

By definte | 8

#7411636 - Thursday 16 February 2017 22:37

As a certain infamous businessman known for 'Apprentice' once said, "You're fired."

cheshireau | 26

#7411693 - Friday 17 February 2017 0:22

I think I like Arnie's better. You're terminated, now get to the chopper. It's a bit more whimsical.

By hekinokuroihi | 20

#7411651 - Thursday 16 February 2017 22:59

Probably the first thing you should have told him when he got the job is not to touch that button unless there is an emergency...you know, like Men In Black.

By maharb01 | 17

#7411672 - Thursday 16 February 2017 23:29

if while in training they pushed a button before they understood what it did, that person is in the wrong line of work

By Moerighan | 23

#7411674 - Thursday 16 February 2017 23:37

Shouldn't that be explained before they get the chance to do that? Any emergency stop button should be one of the FIRST things someone learns about.

By SecretApprentice | 0

#7411709 - Friday 17 February 2017 0:44

Is your Apprentice DeeDee from Dexter's Lab

By jcash52426 | 5

#7411748 - Friday 17 February 2017 1:52

Today I didn't like the unpaid apprenticeship I started at so I pushed this button and while saying what does this do, causing the their production to completely stop. #suckstobethem

By Hippo_Holiday | 19

#7411762 - Friday 17 February 2017 2:14

Lucky it wasn't a fire all missiles button. Hey! I know what you can fire!

By Hippo_Holiday | 19

#7411763 - Friday 17 February 2017 2:14

Lucky it wasn't a fire all missiles button. Hey! I know what you can fire!