Don't wanna know

Wow, what a coincidence. This caused me to have a flashback to my days serving aboard the USS Futility of First Post. Yeah, it was a long time ago, but it's directly relevant to the FML, trust me on this. So there we were, en route to the Gulf of Aden on anti-piracy duty. The men were restless. I didn't know why at the time, just wrote it off as nerves. I mean, it was our maiden voyage, the men were bound to be on edge. My second-in-command, Nick "The Cunter" Rock, was on the bridge, flossing his nipples. The man had his faults, but one thing you couldn't accuse him of was having unkempt areolae. Those nipples had won more naval battles than I could recall, and I sure as hell wasn't going to judge my XO for being a stickler for personal hygiene. But that's a story for another day. It was all going smoothly. The crews of the pirate vessels were struck dead by the radiant shine of the sun reflecting off my shaven head, leaving nothing but a trail of ghost ships in our wake. Then IT came. We didn't stand a chance, it was all over before it even began, some dipshit had brought an undomesticated Perdix on board, and before anyone could unholster their sidearm, the creature had raped out half the crew. Even Big Nick's razor-sharp nipples couldn't hold out. It was only by the most staggering luck that just as my turn came, I was abducted by a UFO. I know what you're thinking: anal probing. No, people, no. It was a fate even worse than anal probing or indeed death. Gonna put it bluntly, people, because this is no laughing matter, no reason to beat around the bush. They forced me to listen to Justin Bieber's My World 2.0 album. Christ, it hurts just to think about it, but the world needs to know. Long story short, I woke up in a corn field in Texas, naked, ears bleeding, and with no reproductive organs left to speak of. They branded me a coward, said I'd deserted the ship. Bastards. They had to blame someone, and I guess it fell on me, being the captain. The price of serving your country. I only wish I could go back in time and take that wild Perdix on hand-to-hand like a man, but I sold my coked-up Delorean to cover my counselling fees. This is why I say this isn't an FML, cause I've had it so much worse. Wee-woo.

Dude, what tha **** are you doing here when u could be selling those stories to family guy?!

Yeah I like to hear about older couples still being as close as they are. It took me to move ten hours out of the way just to see an older couple even hold hands. Thank God for in-laws. My parents never even kissed around anyone. Better yet, hardly slept with each other. :(. They were both attracted to each other, don't get me wrong... But they said three kids were plenty.

That happened to me once. Except the aliens fed me my organs,

and ur a guy right? man ur moms got some balls I'd never put my son through that..... nasty lol FYL

So!? there are people out there who try to listen to their parents have sex in hopes that maybe they'll stop arguing for a few days. what happened to u ain't that bad? what are u gonna do when your gf or wife asks u to go and buy her some tampons? seriously, you men need to grow up! *Smh*

hahaa yu should have suggested the UGLIEST lingerie yu could find and been like "oh dad will love these!"

that's not awkward at all.

You are the son of the man in question, you could have similar tastes, so it's logical to ask you about it. A bit embarrassing, though.

@op: at least shes banging your dad.

You should of said well that's what I use to get into the pants of the guys at my school

Soooo? :P