Health: Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass...

By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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Health

Abuse

Everyone's an expert

So you had a bad day…

By Magicgwen - France - Paris

Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML

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By ForgottenAgain - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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By apenglishstudent - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

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By stanDman - Canada

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

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By unhappy - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By Lexi - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By UnderConstruction - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

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By Volume_control - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

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By Grosssss - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By diablo

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

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By BoringFucker - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By Nutty

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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By Boarder - United States

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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By jusfonzin - United States

Today, I sent a cover letter to a potential employer. In the letter, I talked about my great attention to detail, my strong ability to focus, and my stellar writing skills. After hitting send, I reread the letter and noticed that I typed my name "B-R-A-I-N." My name is Brian. FML

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By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

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Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

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By Fire0fisis - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

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By spiderhater - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

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By sexual parrot

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

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By thatguythere858 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By soapypete - United States

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Ramat Hasharon

Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML

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By Notasinner - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

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By Anonymous

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking calls at the helpdesk I work at. The caller was a man, and while helping him with his issue he suddenly stopped to tell me I had a nice soothing voice. Then he told me to say something else. As I continued to help him, he started making moaning noises. I'm a guy. FML

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By snowbell18 - United States

Today, I had to pay my manager $10 just to take my stalker's order so I didn't have to. FML

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By talt

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

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By RC - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Tripp

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

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By graospe - United States

Today, I fainted and woke up in a hospital. My mom drove me to the emergency room. The doctor said I had a panic attack. What did I have a panic attack from? Bidding on eBay. FML

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By unicornlovet

Today, I was cleaning, anticipating my hypercritical in-laws coming to see our new house. Literally 10 minutes before they arrived, sewage backed up the basement drain. My father-in-law spent the entire visit commenting on the smell, and how he couldn’t use the washroom. FML

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By great - United States - Porter

Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML

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By teriyaki124 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

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By friendless - United States - Spokane

#rude

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

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By Kaji - France

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5721565 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

It's like I always say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Then again, hope is not a very good diagnostic or therapeutic tool.

By tencentsakiss | 19

#5721529 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

This sucks, but they have to be honest with you about the risk.

COMMENTS

By tencentsakiss | 19

#5721529 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

This sucks, but they have to be honest with you about the risk.

raddybear | 11

#5721559 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:45

They have to tell the risk. But that will never happen to you everything will be ok.

euphoricness | 28

#5721595 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:08

I bet when OP heard those risks, she needed the surgery even more than before

michaelaranda | 28

#5721635 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:38

number 9, that's just not necessarily true.

op, good luck with your surgery. oh and btw, awesome name.

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5721678 - Saturday 19 October 2013 4:19

There is a small chance that those bad things will happen. Good luck OP.(:

soccerstar1996 | 18

#5721927 - Saturday 19 October 2013 6:22

Docbastard hasn't commented yet?

NagainaFier | 16

#5721940 - Saturday 19 October 2013 6:29

You, number #59, should have continued scrolling; Doc is #11. So yes, yes he did reply.

MrsDruidess | 23

#5722222 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:51

these things can happen, should have laid off the fried food . . . just sayin

awsamb | 8

#5722247 - Saturday 19 October 2013 15:16

gayy

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5722643 - Saturday 19 October 2013 22:38

so no one's gonna mention op's username?

By CJB3228 | 17

#5721530 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:34

That takes hope for the best, prepare for the worst to a whole new level.

greenmen | 12

#5722758 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:38

You better do it will make your life 10 years longer did for my grandpa he is still very healthy 90.

By alicespoons | 17

#5721532 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:34

Good luck!!

_parth | 20

#5723539 - Sunday 20 October 2013 17:55

More like we will pray for him!!!

By ducky45 | 20

#5721539 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

Hope all goes well. It may not be as bad as it seems. The doctors have to discuss the complications because of the law.

By hockeygoalie13 | 14

#5721541 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:37

I mean you had to have that heart to heart conversation about the risks at some point..

By OptimusVader | 23

#5721544 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:37

That really sucks...but your name is genius.

cheshirecat13242 | 32

#5721647 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:47

Funny doc indeed

By ThorPowaa | 19

#5721563 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:47

I hope your operation goes well OP!

By DocBastard | 38

#5721565 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

It's like I always say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Then again, hope is not a very good diagnostic or therapeutic tool.

SmuggletheBudgie | 15

#5721593 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:05

Your arch nemesis doc. What's the plan of action?

blackonblight | 32

#5722213 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:35

I thought the placebo and related effects meant that hope WAS a useful therapeutic tool, just only if used with other more substantial medical treatment?

kamikrazy | 6

#5722640 - Saturday 19 October 2013 22:33

I suggest a surgery-off. Whichever patient survives claims victory.

By kurodansei | 16

#5721585 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:59

hmmm not the sort of stress tesk doctors are know to administer.

By Han1156 | 23

#5721590 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:03

Nice name good luck with it I'm sure you'll be fine