Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass...

By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - 18/10/2013 22:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Grow up

Great guy

By MyFaceHurts - 3/8/2010 10:40 - United States

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

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By offended - 14/6/2012 08:11 - United States - East Hampton

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

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By Scabby - 11/4/2012 09:53 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 13:00 - United States

Today, a guy drunkenly professed his love for me. He did this after walking in on me peeing, which he decided was the time to tell me such a thing. FML

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By nothing is sacred - 23/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Reynoldsburg

Today, I caught my mom using my toothbrush and washcloth again, despite her having both her own bathroom and supplies. I asked her to please not use mine, to which she called me an ungrateful bitch. My dad agreed. Yet they wonder why I've been desperately saving money to move out. FML

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By HotAsTits - 20/3/2011 20:31 - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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By jogginglikeitsmyjob - 31/7/2014 11:51 - United States - Boston

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

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By DanteWest1000 - 3/4/2012 04:43 - United States - Papillion

Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML

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By crawfo - 31/8/2009 13:54 - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By - 6/2/2019 02:00

Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By in pain and tardy - 11/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Easthampton

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

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By Ouijake - 4/1/2017 00:15

Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML

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By Kaganate - 9/2/2010 00:32 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

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By splooge - 28/1/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By oc_cheergirl - 6/4/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

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By monquiqui - 4/7/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

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By so racist - 25/6/2020 02:02

No, of course she's not…

Today, my mother burst into tears when I told her I was engaged. They were not tears of joy, however. She was crying because although she insists she’s "not" racist, she was crying because none of her grandchildren would be "pure." My fiancé is black. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 08:07 - Australia - Boronia

Today, after supporting my girlfriend for over a year in her endeavour to lose weight, exercise more, and eat better, my now-slender girlfriend dumped me. Because now she find someone better than me. FML

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By airborne - 6/5/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I saw someone drive recklessly as if they were drunk. When I called the cops, I got pulled over by another cop for talking on my cell phone. FML

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By hadakanbo - 17/4/2020 05:00

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

Today, after spending weeks collecting almost every star, flag, and stamp of Super Mario 3D World on the Wii U, I was working on the very last of the super bonus levels to get the final 12 of 380 available stars when my five-year-old decided to help. By accidentally deleting the file. FML

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By Kimmikoto - 31/1/2017 07:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

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By Alisha - 7/8/2012 18:04 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

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By oops - 30/11/2011 14:15 - United Kingdom

Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

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By NewMom - 16/8/2017 20:00

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2014 19:13 - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

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By kekumbas - 5/5/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

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By parisite - 1/10/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2015 15:08 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

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By steven - 24/1/2013 05:16 - United States - Orinda

Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By elevatorjerk - 2/9/2009 13:01 - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 14:01

Class Wars - UK Edition

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

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By TitMunch - 23/10/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, at my mom's wedding, I tripped as I was walking down the aisle. I was holding the train of her dress. It ripped. FML

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By alliwantisabandaid - 11/2/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 02:22 - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 12:53 - United States

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By ananomus - 22/8/2010 04:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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By brunnells22 - 23/6/2020 23:00

Bob the Builder

Today, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for building an Ikea shelf/dresser combo completely by myself. When going to put the last drawer together, I dropped one of the boards. The corner landed perfectly in the middle of my phone screen, shattering it. It's going to cost $230 to fix it. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5721565 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

It's like I always say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Then again, hope is not a very good diagnostic or therapeutic tool.

By tencentsakiss | 19

#5721529 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

This sucks, but they have to be honest with you about the risk.

COMMENTS

By tencentsakiss | 19

#5721529 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

This sucks, but they have to be honest with you about the risk.

raddybear | 11

#5721559 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:45

They have to tell the risk. But that will never happen to you everything will be ok.

euphoricness | 28

#5721595 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:08

I bet when OP heard those risks, she needed the surgery even more than before

michaelaranda | 28

#5721635 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:38

number 9, that's just not necessarily true.

op, good luck with your surgery. oh and btw, awesome name.

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5721678 - Saturday 19 October 2013 4:19

There is a small chance that those bad things will happen. Good luck OP.(:

soccerstar1996 | 18

#5721927 - Saturday 19 October 2013 6:22

Docbastard hasn't commented yet?

NagainaFier | 16

#5721940 - Saturday 19 October 2013 6:29

You, number #59, should have continued scrolling; Doc is #11. So yes, yes he did reply.

MrsDruidess | 23

#5722222 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:51

these things can happen, should have laid off the fried food . . . just sayin

awsamb | 8

#5722247 - Saturday 19 October 2013 15:16

gayy

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5722643 - Saturday 19 October 2013 22:38

so no one's gonna mention op's username?

By CJB3228 | 17

#5721530 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:34

That takes hope for the best, prepare for the worst to a whole new level.

greenmen | 12

#5722758 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:38

You better do it will make your life 10 years longer did for my grandpa he is still very healthy 90.

By alicespoons | 17

#5721532 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:34

Good luck!!

_parth | 20

#5723539 - Sunday 20 October 2013 17:55

More like we will pray for him!!!

By ducky45 | 20

#5721539 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

Hope all goes well. It may not be as bad as it seems. The doctors have to discuss the complications because of the law.

By hockeygoalie13 | 14

#5721541 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:37

I mean you had to have that heart to heart conversation about the risks at some point..

By OptimusVader | 23

#5721544 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:37

That really sucks...but your name is genius.

cheshirecat13242 | 32

#5721647 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:47

Funny doc indeed

By ThorPowaa | 19

#5721563 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:47

I hope your operation goes well OP!

By DocBastard | 38

#5721565 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

It's like I always say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Then again, hope is not a very good diagnostic or therapeutic tool.

SmuggletheBudgie | 15

#5721593 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:05

Your arch nemesis doc. What's the plan of action?

blackonblight | 32

#5722213 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:35

I thought the placebo and related effects meant that hope WAS a useful therapeutic tool, just only if used with other more substantial medical treatment?

kamikrazy | 6

#5722640 - Saturday 19 October 2013 22:33

I suggest a surgery-off. Whichever patient survives claims victory.

By kurodansei | 16

#5721585 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:59

hmmm not the sort of stress tesk doctors are know to administer.

By Han1156 | 23

#5721590 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:03

Nice name good luck with it I'm sure you'll be fine