Health: Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass...

By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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Health

Walk on the wild side

Age ain't nothing but a number

Vampires are everywhere

By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By day001313 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By NoScrubs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By single once again - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By miabun - United States - Breinigsville

Cling Alert

Today, my boyfriend has helicopter parents. He offered to take me out on a date for Valentine's Day, but there's one condition: his mother has to be there the whole time. He's 17 years old. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By notfromanisland

Today, through a mutual friend I met with a girl from Netherlands for dinner. At some point, she told me I have an Antillean accent, referring to the Dutch Antilles. I was born and raised nowhere near those islands, but my former boyfriend of 5 years is Antillean. Now I have his accent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my phone while I was crossing the road. Luckily, it survived the fall. Not so luckily, an oncoming bus steamrolled it into oblivion. FML

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By murphslaw - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Dude - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

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Today, I got another in a year-long string of threatening letters about my late mother's credit card bill. I've called the credit company repeatedly to settle the account, but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to access it. Hope they have a Ouija board. FML

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By KidKillah - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

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Love sex

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By AllThatJazz - United States

Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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By crushed - 10/3/2021 14:00

Thanks little buddy

Today, I was in the middle of my workout when my cat meowed so loudly, it startled me into dropping a 50-pound weight onto my foot. FML

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By Adam - United States

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

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By Lorena - United States - Kapolei

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

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By inder - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By taurus05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 15:02 - Iraq

Trust

Today, my fiancée a year left me, a week after she told me she’s still talking to her ex. Her excuse for not telling me about this? Because, “You’ll make it a big deal out of it.” FML

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By preggers - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By catguy - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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By yikes78 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

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By straightlyconfused - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

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By heck

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By VelociTheRaptor

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML

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By DAMMit - Australia

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

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By moonlight77

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2021 11:29 - India - Bangalore

Simping

Today, my girlfriend moved to Germany for her Master's degree and perhaps a PhD. I'm still stuck in this third world mess which we call India. I simped for her and agreed that she can have non-serious relationships with other men. I'm so broken. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#5721565 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

It's like I always say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Then again, hope is not a very good diagnostic or therapeutic tool.

By tencentsakiss | 19

#5721529 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

This sucks, but they have to be honest with you about the risk.

COMMENTS

By tencentsakiss | 19

#5721529 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

This sucks, but they have to be honest with you about the risk.

raddybear | 11

#5721559 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:45

They have to tell the risk. But that will never happen to you everything will be ok.

euphoricness | 28

#5721595 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:08

I bet when OP heard those risks, she needed the surgery even more than before

michaelaranda | 28

#5721635 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:38

number 9, that's just not necessarily true.

op, good luck with your surgery. oh and btw, awesome name.

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5721678 - Saturday 19 October 2013 4:19

There is a small chance that those bad things will happen. Good luck OP.(:

soccerstar1996 | 18

#5721927 - Saturday 19 October 2013 6:22

Docbastard hasn't commented yet?

NagainaFier | 16

#5721940 - Saturday 19 October 2013 6:29

You, number #59, should have continued scrolling; Doc is #11. So yes, yes he did reply.

MrsDruidess | 23

#5722222 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:51

these things can happen, should have laid off the fried food . . . just sayin

awsamb | 8

#5722247 - Saturday 19 October 2013 15:16

gayy

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#5722643 - Saturday 19 October 2013 22:38

so no one's gonna mention op's username?

By CJB3228 | 17

#5721530 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:34

That takes hope for the best, prepare for the worst to a whole new level.

greenmen | 12

#5722758 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:38

You better do it will make your life 10 years longer did for my grandpa he is still very healthy 90.

By alicespoons | 17

#5721532 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:34

Good luck!!

_parth | 20

#5723539 - Sunday 20 October 2013 17:55

More like we will pray for him!!!

By ducky45 | 20

#5721539 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

Hope all goes well. It may not be as bad as it seems. The doctors have to discuss the complications because of the law.

By hockeygoalie13 | 14

#5721541 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:37

I mean you had to have that heart to heart conversation about the risks at some point..

By OptimusVader | 23

#5721544 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:37

That really sucks...but your name is genius.

cheshirecat13242 | 32

#5721647 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:47

Funny doc indeed

By ThorPowaa | 19

#5721563 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:47

I hope your operation goes well OP!

By DocBastard | 38

#5721565 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

It's like I always say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Then again, hope is not a very good diagnostic or therapeutic tool.

SmuggletheBudgie | 15

#5721593 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:05

Your arch nemesis doc. What's the plan of action?

blackonblight | 32

#5722213 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:35

I thought the placebo and related effects meant that hope WAS a useful therapeutic tool, just only if used with other more substantial medical treatment?

kamikrazy | 6

#5722640 - Saturday 19 October 2013 22:33

I suggest a surgery-off. Whichever patient survives claims victory.

By kurodansei | 16

#5721585 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:59

hmmm not the sort of stress tesk doctors are know to administer.

By Han1156 | 23

#5721590 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:03

Nice name good luck with it I'm sure you'll be fine