Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach... - FML

By Username - 27/1/2011 17:40 - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Tidy your room

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By constantine - 4/2/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By Nightshade823 - 10/11/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

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By Not a day over 35 - 18/6/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By BlueyedKat - 11/4/2016 17:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

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By blanknameisblank - 9/6/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2014 23:13 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a great scratcher and I now have thousands of tiny plastic balls around the house. He decided those looked yummy, and now the scent of vomit and plastic is awful. FML

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By authentic - 18/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2011 22:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

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By LonelyPorkChop - 18/12/2013 09:30 - Australia

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

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By koletatlow19 - 5/3/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By single&alone - 6/3/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 21:04 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

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By notcool - 15/12/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

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By krissysays - 25/10/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

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By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By Kenton - 15/6/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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By Username - 6/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By number2 - 14/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, my friends and I were walking past a bar. There were a few cute guys "rating" every girl that walked by with number cards. My friend, who is a guy, got an 8. I got a 2. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

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By a.white - 11/12/2013 11:58 - United States - Cheltenham

Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By I have wood - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Stephenville

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 01:04

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By notthesame - 18/8/2016 04:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

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By Loserbot - 4/9/2012 01:02 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

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By Ashley Nichole Hinton - 12/5/2020 02:00

I'm an excellent driver

Today, my husband ran our car into a fence at work. He had to file an insurance claim, with a company we only just got with, and it's going to deplete the rest of our taxes. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - 5/10/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2012 01:10 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

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By toelie - 6/11/2017 22:00

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

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By Argh - 24/11/2018 03:00 - United States - Longview

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

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By obsessed - 27/11/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

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By EllieS9311 - 16/2/2016 13:16 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

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By I'm stupid - 25/11/2012 15:08 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By Cougar - 24/7/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 14:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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By LyricalTragedy - 16/12/2016 00:08

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

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By Subliminal message - 19/1/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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Top comments

By notsooriginalfml | 0

#2014537 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:25

thats horrible.D:
why would you be going to school with stomach problems anyway?

By Emily_who_else | 0

#2014555 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:28

i think when you shit in a taxi it's time to GO HOME!!!! lol but really that's terrible. i hope you feel better.

COMMENTS

By hellyeahmirjam | 2

#2014534 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:24

no comment qq.

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#2014554 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:28

Yeah, totally.

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2014774 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:45

I guess you could say OPs education
*puts on sunglasses*
is going down the shitter
YEAHHHHHHH!!!

Reply

Warlemming | 7

#2016174 - Friday 28 January 2011 11:39

...

Reply

OMG_N3RD | 0

#2284360 - Sunday 3 April 2011 6:33

Yeah.

By notsooriginalfml | 0

#2014537 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:25

thats horrible.D:
why would you be going to school with stomach problems anyway?

Reply

coNsperAZI | 4

#2015306 - Friday 28 January 2011 4:19

why would u wash ur shitty underwear at school anyway and in the sink. damn

Reply

SoulEaterSE | 23

#6408293 - Saturday 12 September 2015 2:01

Some schools have a policy against missing too many days of class. OP might have been at or near the limit

By Emily_who_else | 0

#2014555 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:28

i think when you shit in a taxi it's time to GO HOME!!!! lol but really that's terrible. i hope you feel better.

Reply

HacoC_Blood | 0

#2014623 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:50

Haha yeah that sucks. Next time you feel sick just don't go.

By DahkLohd | 4

#2014558 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:29

Here come the "shitty situation" jokes... :/

Reply

macskapingvin | 0

#2014666 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:05

That's a crappy situation!

Reply

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2014726 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:25

Here is another crappy FML about a shitty shituation. Ummm...I have a brain fart. This stinks, I can usually think of something. Damn it, somebody must have pissed in my zen garden.

Reply

TheUnhappyMouse | 0

#2015140 - Friday 28 January 2011 3:17

lol at #13 thats awesome ^_^

Reply

MisherzzSquisher | 0

#2015337 - Friday 28 January 2011 4:35

Shit happens :0

By mintcar | 9

#2014630 - Thursday 27 January 2011 23:53

That's incredibly disgusting but FYL. If it happened in the taxi cab then chances are it'll probably happen again while you're in school.

Reply

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2014710 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:18

At least there are restrooms at school, like the one she's in cleaning out her underwear.

Reply

abbey728 | 16

#5893285 - Saturday 22 March 2014 22:22

I don't think your vehicle will hit many bumps in school...

By Doortje | 28

#2014671 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:06

Why on earth would you still go to school after that?? You should've told the cabdriver to turn around.

By maybaybe | 0

#2014713 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:20

I don't understand why you went to school with a bad stomach ache in the first place ... and after you shit your pants, couldn't have you asked the cab driver to turn back?

By LittleMonsterSam | 5

#2014722 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:24

That made me have a spit take!

By perdix | 29

#2014772 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:44

And if you've ever seen that episode of "Seinfeld," you'd know that smell NEVER comes out. It's Beyond BO!

He's going to see if someone will steal his cab, so he can get some insurance money.

By guppy40000 | 0

#2014798 - Friday 28 January 2011 0:53

k to many fmls have this happening, if your gonna shit, puke or piss yourself even if there is the smallest chance stay home people. bosses and teachers have to be accepting of this. Unless you skip all the time then you deserve it. If you dont feel well stay home, make it up later.